i was touched by the sight yesterday (: so touched when i saw 45000 people together praying (: i was touched at how some people can stand so firm, despite the trails god put them through, and that made me feel guilty. and i'm sorry lord.

god, you spoke to me about double minded-ness. and i'm so guilty of it. i'm so sorry lord. you know what i felt, you know what i feel now, but i still have to tell you that i'm terribly sorry. lord, it's not easy to live a single minded life, with just a single eye, but lord, help me. i really want to live for no one, no one else but you. lord, pls take away all the distrctions, all the things that i may have put before you in my life. teach me how to put you first in all situations, in all circumstances, and in all, to always trust and love you. lord, i know i tend to put oswald before you, i tend to put exams before you, i tend to put even my friends before you, and lord, i'm asking you now, to teach me lord, to teach me how to put these aside, and just live for you alone. teach me lord to trust you with the unfailing trust. i look at aunty chris, and i feel so bad. why did i give up on you just because of that little set back i went through, why did i have oh so little faith in you. you put her through this much, and she still loves and trusts you so much. what was i thinking. i'm sorry lord, for doubting your very presence. cause i know, i know lord that you are real, and no matter how i tried to deny in the past, i know that you are real, and i will always trust you, through the good times and the bad. lord, teach me to have that faith in you, to never give up on you, and if one day i ever slip away again, pull me back lord, pull me back into your arms once again. i will always want to be where you are lord, no matter how hard it is. father, give me that love, the love you gave to us, where you first loved us to the extent that you layed your life down for us. give me that love, that i may love others like how you first loved me. lord, it's really hard, hard to love the unlovable, hard to love those you stab you in the back, hard to love those you make life so so hard for you, but lord, teach me, cause i do want to love them. teach me lord, how to really love them. not appearing that i love them, and actally still hating them, but lord, really loving them from the deep bottom of my heart. lord, it seems impossible in this world to love all the unlovable, cause lord there's just too many, but lord you loved me, the unlovable too, so give me the strength, give me the courage to love those who are so hard to love. lord god, pull me back lord, pull me back to that period of time where i loved you so much, where i could just trust you with that childlike faith, where i would just say that you reigned. where i could worship you with both my hands raised and not worry about how others look at me. where i could tell everyone about you, cause i knew that you would minister to them. bring me back to that time lord, when i was so on fire for you. cause lord, i can't seem to find it anymore. i want to love you, i try so hard to, i go for anything possible that may touch my spirit once again, but i can't find it. maybe it's your way of saying wait, testing my patience, but lord, i'm desperate, i'm so desperate for you lord. life seems so empty, life seems meaningless when i can't feel you. i need you lord, now i declare and say this, i love you, i need you. i really need you lord. pls come and fill me up again. i can't help but feel envious when i see joan, how you touched her time and time again, and lord i'm sorry, but i wonder, why can't you do the same for me too? is there something wrong i'm doing that you won't just love me the way you love her? i just want to see you, touch you, hear you very heartbeat. lord, won't you pls concede to this request. i beg you. lord, i know i've sinned, i know that i can come no where near you cause of my sins lord. but you said if we would confess our sins, you would be faithful to forgive them lord. so now, here i am, i confess lord, i've sinned so many times. and i've broken your heart so many times. i'm sorry lord. and now, i mean it from the bottom of my heart. i'm sorry. forgive me lord. cause i just can't live when i feel so far away. i need you more than ever, need you to see me through this tough time. thank you lord.
lord, i pray i hope i ask lord, that nothing more would go wrong. lord, i've learnt. i've learnt the lesson you wanted to instill in me. and lord, i will, i WILL trust you at all times. i won't give up i won't give in. lord, so pls, i don't wish for anymore things to go wrong. i'm just.. i just need a break. just let things run smoothly like how they did in the past. thank you lord.
i pray now lord, for bianca. i know lord, that i may have let her down in some way or another in the past lord, but i really am sorry. teach me lord, how to humble my heart and seek her sincere forgiveness. whatever she may be going through lord, good or bad, let her know that she is always loved, always loved and someone will always believe in her. lord, you know her heart the best, and sometimes, when the world doesn't seem to understand her, lord let her know that you are always there for her. and lord, if she ever needs anyone lord, let her know, in your own way, that i'm always here for her. lord, there were times when we quarreled, there were times when we didn't sound so nice to each other, but lord you know, she was the nicest friend i ever had. and i regret, regret not cherishing her. lord, what's past is past isn't it? help her to know, i'm always here for her.
amen