I’ve been thinking a lot lately, and I cannot help but feel so afraid. Water, heights, homework, school, these are the normal things that people are normally afraid of, but what I’ve come to realize is I’m not afraid of all these physical things but I’m afraid of losing those I love, and when I do think about times when I lose them, I cannot help but cry, it’s really so scary.

You may think that dying and living is something of the natural cycle, well. That’s the scary thing. There’s nothing we can do to stop this cycle. It’s true that I fear the unknown, I fear life without them around, what will it be like? Would it be the same? Would it be so different? It’s never really the same without people who are a part of your life around; it’ll never really be the same now, would it? The special things that each of them do, the unique language that each of them speak. And without them being around, no one is really like anyone of them so won’t things be different no matter what?

People ask us to look at the bright side of life, or rather, to look at the bright side of death. They say that: “well, their suffering on earth has ended, they are much happier in heaven, at least they don’t have to face this cruel world.” Things like that, they say it. true, their suffering has ended, but the pain they leave in our hearts, those whom love them, won’t it be eternal without them?

It may be a selfish thinking of mine, but isn’t it sad that we will be stuck in this world without them one day? Easier said than done, move on. I can’t imagine a day without anyone I love.

Gong gong, the day you went away, things have never really been the same. I miss you, so much that words can’t describe. No one would ever take up my hand and rub it against his poky moustache anymore. No one would take my hand and put it over his thigh during car rides anymore. No one would bring me to the supermarket and spend $100+ on my snacks. No one would ever say that I’m his favorite granddaughter anymore. And yes, I know this in my heart, that when you died, your suffering ended, when you died, you felt no more pain. But yet sometimes I get angry, childish I know, but how could you just leave without letting me say goodbye. How could you leave without me getting to kiss you for the last time? How could you just leave like that, without waiting for me? Many regrets I have, and it’s cause you didn’t wait for me. Was it that hard to wait for that 10 mins? Was it? I miss you, so much. And life’s not the same, no matter how much I want it to be. And during those times when I think of you, I will start to cry, cause I love you, and although I never had a chance to tell you this, you are my favorite gong gong too. I love you. no matter how hard I try to accept the fact you’ve been gone for two years, I can’t. I just don’t want to let go of you. I want you to forever be in my life, forever be that part of me. I just refuse to accept it that you’re gone, cause it’ll be too painful a realization.

If one day anyone were to go away, I’ll be lost.

I can’t imagine a day without you. Though you’re not gone, you’re still with me everyday now, I can’t imagine. I can’t imagine how I survived those 66 days without you, before you came into this world. Now, when I’ve found out so much about you that I didn’t know, I’m scared and hurt. What if one day I lost you? What would I become? I don’t wish to think about it, I’ve been trying to not think about it, but I just do. I can’t help but worry and think about you. I know you’re no longer smoking, but I just really can’t help but worry. I look at how many people have kicked the habit, but go back to it cause they can’t take some pressure, and I just worry. Would you go back to it too? I used to hate smokers, I can say I did. And when I found out that you used to be one, there was just this confusion. Confused on why you would do such a thing. Why, why harm yourself. I used to be afraid that I’ll lose you to those stupid drugs. But now, I’m worried I’ll lose you cause I’m just too worried. It may not make sense, but losing you is really the last thing I’d want to do. Who would be there to tell me his everyday life? Who would be there to support me when I was down? Who would be there to hold my hand and kiss it? Who? No one has ever loved me the way you do, and I’ve never loved anyone as much as you. I don’t want to imagine a day without you, cause it’s scary, and I’m scared.

It’s kinda true, that people only treasure what they used to have once their gone. That’s what happened, and I’m not going to regret anymore. I am going to treasure you like tomorrow’s the last day we have together. That’s how I’m going to treasure you, cause I love you.

-a compo i wrote-