these few days, many things has been happening and it's got me thinking.

maybe why we get hurt cause we place too much hope in others. we get hurt cause we expect others to do the same for us, as what we would do for them. and maybe we get hurt cause we ourselves care too much.

these few days, the incidents that are happening, the way i think about it, what i conclude is that, well, maybe i should stop caring. cause what i've learnt from all these is that if you don't care, it won't affect you. if it doesn't affect you, you won't get hurt. i placed a hope in everyone, maybe that's why i feel like as if i'm being let down all the time. but thinking about it, it's my own fault that i placed that hope. it's not their job to be there for me, it's not their job to ask what's happening. so what right do i have to feel let down anyway. maybe to be happy, we should just stop caring so much. maybe we should just be selfish, cause i don't see what caring gets you. it doesn't give you anything but hurt.

i give up, and i feel so numb. that i don't feel anything at all

i had so much to say, and when i started to type it out, i just didn't know what more there was. i don't wish to say this, but this world is not perfect. it used to be, but it's not anymore. i stand here, and i wish i could make everyone smile, really. and take off the masks they have to wear, and to make them laugh. to see the world with hope and not despair in their eyes. but i can't. i've tried. if i can't even make you happy, make you smile, how can i do that for the world?

i am starting to feel so helpless all over again. we're over. and i want to end it. for all the hurt you've caused me. for violating me so bad. i don't wanna continue this relationship anymore. but yet, as i think about it, i don't want you to get hurt, i don't want you to go back to your old ways, i don't want anything bad to happen to you. i don't wanna be the cause of anythng bad that happens to you, cause i'll feel so bad. i love you, i still do. but i can't, i have to force myself, i can't love you anymore. after what you've done. i'm not gonna let it happen again. i'll try to persuade myself that nothing will happen to you, nothing bad will happen. and i'll leave. for all the nightmares you've caused me, i hate you. i love you, yet i hate you. hate you for doing this to me. tell me, if you loved me, would you have did it? if you loved me, wouldn't you have respected me? it just shows, that i'm nothing to you, but somone to just satisfy your needs. i don't want to be that anymore. i don't wanna hurt myself anymore. i know it's wrong, i know it is. let's end it here.

i want to trust you god, but after all you've put me through, am i supposed to believe it's for the best for me? i don't wanna be preached to anymore, i don't want people to tell me to trust in you anymore. cause i do. and i just wish you take away all of this, cause it's making me lose the faith. god, take away all of this i pray.

i don't know what i should do, someone help me

joan, i know you're trying. i want to tell you all that's happening. but yet, i don't want this to make anyone upset as well. joan, you're a dear friend i hold close to my heart. for you've always wanted to be a part of my life, even when something like this happened, when if anyone else knew, would have ran far far away. joan, thank you. but the reason why i don't wish to talk about it is cause i don't want anyone else to get affected by it. cause it's something that has happened, and something that i should have to go through. no one else is responsible. it's just my fault for letting this happen. joan, thank you. and although i may not believe in love anymore, i believe you are the best friend i ever had. thank you.