and it doesn't feel nice to have two sprained ankles -.-

and i don't like polishing my boots okay ): it doesnt wanna shine for me. it's saddnening to see it so un-shiny. i was polishing it for about 45 mins, and it still won't shine. so i just gave up =/ oops.

okay i shall post a narrative post (: see heng, i'm using LA (: aren't you so proud of me!

went to church (: oh yes, kindy (: marvelous kindy. i love them alot alot alot okay (: esp keith. i'm not being bias or what lah, but he looks like my bro when he was young, and his character is super cute lah (: and then joan came (x

so we went up to the roof. and it was damn hot okay. i was counting the mins, wishing joshua would faster come and turn on the fans, cause i don't know how to =/ always he turn on one (x and yes, he came pretty fast, after chasing him with my sms-es. and then he started to crap -.- again. and i have no idea how many times my head got hit by him okay. he just loves hitting my head. how nice. and so i didn't study, well at least not alot. joan did okay. omg, she's so hardworking. and then isaac came. and he decided to go china. ahah. loser joshua. i told you he'd chose china (: i'm smart.

and then they started talking. and something they said hurt me ): but oh well (: it's alright. i know they didn't mean it. somehow, i really enjoy sundays up there on the roof. cause looking at those retarded few (joshua, benjamin, isaac, chee yan, jeremy) they make me laugh like nuts. yes they do. with their retarded comments, and their retarded actions. and their retarded filmings, which i'm never in! not fair.

then was tuition, so-so lah (: eugene and jia qian were super amusing. and ps, amusing does not equal to funny. it's irritatingly funny (: yep

- end of narrative post-

- start of reflective post-

my emotions are better kept from you. then this way, you won't feel it anymore. then it won't give you anymore false hopes.

-end (x-

i'm sorry cheryl.

i'm serious. i know you were trying to help. i know you were just trying to help me. but i just pushed you away. i won't make up excuses cause i'm wrong and i'm sorry. you know, you said that you understand no one, but you know something cheryl, you understand me best. and it's not just for words sake, it's the truth. i know what i said hurt you in some way, but i don't wish to lose the closeness just like that.

and after thinking, after some people knocking some sense into this thick bloody head of mine. joshua was right, it's my own bloody fault. he told me from the start, i didn't listen. cheryl told me right from the start, i didn't listen. bianca told me right from the start, i didn't listen. everyone told me right from the start, but i was just so stubborn. and joshua i guess you're right, it's my own fault. it's not his fault that those things happened, cause i let them happen. for once joshua, talking to you on the phone made sense.

and i know, like what bianca said, that when you say those things, it's cause you're hurt, it's cause i still mean something to you. i know okay. i always knew. but can you put things in a nicer way. somethings i can't say here, cause i know you'll be reading, so i'll post it, but just not here.

i'm trying, i'm trying. just don't give up on me.

When you said that, you really hurt me okay. And its like really, you make it seem like I havent given anything up, I havent gave anything at all. Its like as if when I asked you to stop fighting it was for my own sake, for myself. But it was not okay. It was for you okay. It was for your own good okay. I was thinking for you okay. I was so freaking worried for you every single day when you fought okay. And if you think its for my own face, then Im really so disappointed in you. Am I that sort to you? If I wanted to save my face, I wouldnt even stop you from fighting, cause isnt fighting something so macho to you? So if I was caring about my freaking face, I would have encouraged you to fight. If I had cared about my face, right from the start, I wouldnt have even gave a thought about you. Im not saying that youre not good enough for me, but if I cared about my face, I wouldnt have gone with you okay. Think about it, if I cared about my face, then I wouldnt consider someone from normal aced. Someone who has less qualifications than I have. Someone whos not say has a very good temper, someone who and the list goes on. If I had freaking cared about my face, do you think I would be with you? Am I that kinda person to you? And when I sms Irwin and jared, its nothing more than friends okay. And when you accused me of that, do you know how much it hurts me? If its my fault that you introduced these friends to me, then fine, I accept your accusations. But its not okay. If you wont even let me talk to them about it, those who know you, who understand you, who else am I supposed to talk to? Those who do not understand you? Those who dont know what Im saying, dont understand cause they dont know you? If this is so, then youre really selfish you know. You can go around telling Malcolm and huida, and I cant tell jared and Irwin? How fair is that. And I have no one who knows me and you other than them okay. So stop it. Stop being so freaking selfish. So much for love, cause this is definitely what it is. You dont want me to tell them cause youre ashamed of me and you. Whos the one caring about his face. Tell me who. It hurts. I feel so betrayed, so hurt, so .. everything. Its not like I wanted to cry, its not like I wanted to tear. But do you think I could help it? I really cant okay. i really didnt expect this from you, cause you said you loved me. I never expected you to use such harsh words. You can say how much youve given up for me. But I wont say how much Ive given up for you, for then itll have no more meaning. I dont regret what I gave up, maybe you do. But Im not gonna tell the whole world what I did for you, cause itll be of so much no meaning. You hurt me, time and time again. Maybe wai sheng is right, I should move on.

i smile and i laugh, and i mean it okay (:

i don't care how hard it is. stop saying i don't mean it, cause i do. i MEAN IT.

and do you know why i'm behaving this way. its cause i feel so cheated by you. over times and times again, i believe you, and it doesnt turn out the way you promise. its always like that, and always has been. but i feel so stupid now, for why did i trust you. why did i believe you. im sorry if im being bitchy now, for i just cant take it anymore. its too tiring, and im too tried. yes tried, not tired. and you wont know how it feels. for im the one feeling cheated, feeling stupid.

and yes dad, when you said i got my piorities all wrong, i know you mean well. i know you didn't mean to hurt my feelings. but you still did. ask yourself dad, why are you always saying that you don't have much friends? why do we live on this earth for? isn't it to love others? we live to love like how christ loved us isn't it? so then, studies shouldn't be more important than caring for others.

but you know, that's what i used to think. and now to think about it, it's not worth it. caring for others, you don't get back much in return anyway. i asked how someone was, and he just said "fuck..." and is that what's called worth it? i guess not. and if so, if caring causes me to be so hurt, to feel so miserable, i shall just back off. back off from everything. for you know, i really don't fucking care anymore. i've had enough. enough of everything. i don't care what you will feel when i'm so mean to you, i don't care what you think when i behave like this. i don't care! cause truth is, you never cared about my feelings. that's the truth.

and i'm feeling stressed with all the exams coming. i mean, the stress is building up. it's too much okay. i'm tired okay. very. it's just all piling up, and i feel like i can explode any minute. it's so much, too much for me to take.

i want back the closeness, or was there even a closeness to start with? the time we spend together are so superficial. when do we really talk about our problems? when do we really care for each other? sometimes, i begin to doubt this friendship we all share. and it makes me so upset, that the time we spent on this friendship, all comes down to nothing much to remember of. what is this.

i feel so torn and broken. nothing's really much the same. been talking about all these stuff these few days, and it's made me realise how much is different. and things will never be the same. oh well, like what cheryl and i say, if you say so, then so be it. SO BE IT. i don't care anymore. fucking world, change for all you want, cause i don't wish to care, and i'm not intending to.

when you're tired cheryl, and you feel so broken up inside, i'm here for you. to claw and pinch. to draw on. for i know how hard you try. i feel so sad when i see you like that. i feel so broken too. i'm sorry for lacking so much as a friend. and i've realised how much you need someone today, i'm here to always talk to you. always. i know you're scared of the word love, but i love you cheryl. i love you so much. (: i'm here for you. to claw to nail to scratch to draw on (:

these few days i've been feeling too much. oh well (:

and yeah you're right. things have been on my mind, and i'm still upset about it. you are good man, can read my mind (: hahaha. but i've learnt to open up to you (: and i guess i'm glad that it's like this. i love you dear, i know you're down too, just keep going (:

and it's not like you promised, it's not the same anymore

i just really am wondering, what's all this about.

i don't know what more to say, and i don't know what i should be feeling about this. when you said that on sunday, maybe you were right. i am in no better a state than you, i'm more stupid than you. but at least i'm not leading the kind of life you're living. i don't mean to say all this, but it's true. yes, in some sense, you're right to say that i'm stupider for those things to have happened, but continue on like that, someday you're gonna end up like me too. you completely spoiled my mood on sunday, and that's why i left without even saying bye. maybe you were wondering, maybe you weren't. but that's why i was pissed.

-

what more can i say?

and i have alot to say today (:

firstly, was morning assembly (: i think cher's uncle and the other lady is damn brave. to shave their heads to support these cancer patients. i think it takes so much courage. would you go shave your head? esp when you're a lady, and it means that you'll have to go about half a year without hair. will you be able to take it? i really seriously admire her for her courage so much. and i really admire, her love for those people. to be able to go to such an extent. i admire her courage (:

and next was dance. jas you're gonna be featured (: jas was damn funny lah. when did you become so slow huh jas! last time although you were slow, but still not this slow one lor! tsk, something must have made you lose your concentration real bad. haha. i shan't elaborate, but people in 2/10 know what i'm saying (: haha. poor amina, got smacked so many times by laoshi. haha. i bet she loves you to bits and pieces already lah (: haha. jas you're special cause you're slow (:

CIP! i think today's cip was really meaningful. i mean yeah, at first when i saw them i was uber scared of them. i won't deny. i tried to judge by just their appearence, but i still did =/ and i'm so sorry. you know, i love innocence. those people who know me well enough, know that. and when i saw their smile, that innocent smile, it made my heart melt. when i saw how easily contended they were with just singing twinkle star, it made me feel so comforted. it was like, they are disabled mentally, physically. but yet, they have so much happiness, so much joy. when i have so much more than them, what right do i have to be pessimistic. what right do i have to ask for more. for they have so little, yet they're so contented with just a simple song. and it really taught me the meaning of finding joy in small things. and when the guy made me that heart shape with his hands, i really felt like crying. a small hand gesture like that, i guess you'll never know how much it means to me. and i want to thank you for that (: i love you too. all of them, so childlike. i love them, just from that one hour, i really do. i admire their courage, i admire their love, i admire their contentedness. i admire ever part of their life, for to them, it's perfect. it was such a meaningful one hour i spent with them, and it just makes my ambition of being a teacher even stronger. for i know, i want to be part of these people's lives.

guides (: GUESS WHAT! i got selected for national day parade (: okay i'm not boasting, but i think it's a real honor (: and considering i didn't go on tuesday, and i only went for one hour today, to get selected, i think it's really an honor. (: but that'll mean alot of trainings and all. it's worth it (: yes, it is. i should learn to perservere (: and i will. since i'm already in it, i'm gonna go all out for it (: i'm not gonna lag, for i know there'll be a high price to pay if i do. somehow, i love footdrill (: i'm wierd, i know.

overall, today was a good day (: yep. sometimes, it just takes time for the clouds to clear. but when they do, things always look so much better (:

bianca showed me a nice song lyric (: posting it here for you guys to share!

torn by nathalie imbruglia (:

I thought I saw a man brought to life,
He was warm,
he came around like he was dignified,
He showed me what it was to cry,
Well, you couldn't be that man I adored.
You don't seem to know, seem to care,
what your heart is for.

But I don't know him anymore,
There's nothing where he used to lie,
My conversation has run dry,
That's what's goin' on.
Nothing's fine
I'm torn...

I'm all out of faith,
This is how I feel,
I'm cold and I am shamed,
Lying naked on the floor,
Illusion never changed,
Into something real,
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn,
You're a little late, I'm already torn.

So I guess the fortune teller's right,
I should have seen just what was there and not some holy light,
But you crawled beneath my veins and now,
I don't care, I have no luck, I don't miss it all that much,
There's just so many things,That I can't touch I'm torn.

I'm all out of faith,
This is how I feel,
I'm cold and I am shamed,
Lying naked on the floor,
Illusion never changed,
Into something real,
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn,
You're a little late, I'm already torn.

Torn.
There's nothing where he used to lie,
My inspiration has run dry,
That's what's goin' on ... nothing's right
I'm torn

I'm all out of faith,
This is how I feel,
I'm cold and I'm ashamed,
Lying naked on the floor,
Illusion never changed,
Into something real,
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn

I'm all out of faith,
This is how I feel,
I'm cold and I'm ashamed,
Bound and broken on the floor,
You're a little late, I'm already torn.

Torn.

when you're sick and tired of things, hold on, for i am here holding on right here with you (:

i have a nice song to share, again (: it's kinda like an old song, but still, it's nice (:

All Or Nothing

I know when he's been on your mind
That distant look is in your eyes
I thought with time you'd realize
It's over, over

It's not the way I choose to live
And something somewhere's got to give
As sharing this relationship gets older, older

You know I'd fight for you
But how I can fight someone who isn't even there
I've had the rest of you
Now I want the best of you
I dont care if that's not fair

Cause I want it all
Or nothing at all
There's no where left to fall
When you reach the bottom it's now or never

Is it all
Or are we just friends
Is this how it ends
With a simple telephone call
You leave me here with nothing at all

There are times it seems to me
I'm sharing you with memories
I feel it in my heart
But I don't show it, show it

And then there's times you look at me
As though I'm all that you can see
Those times I don't believe it's right
I know it, know it

Don't make me promises
Baby you never did know how to keep them well
I've had the rest of you
Now I want the best of you
It's time for show and tell

Cause you and I
Could lose it all if you've got no more room
No room inside for me in your life

Cause I want it all
Or nothing at all
There's no where left to fall
It's now or never

Cause I want it all
Or nothing at all
There's no where left to fall
When you reach the bottom it's now or never

Is it all
Or are we just friends
Is this how it ends
With a simple telephone call
You leave me here with nothing at all

nice aye (:

I'M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO CHORAL AND DRAMA NIGHT (: yes, i am (: i'm just dreading that i have to write four of those things -.- sucks. last year really made us bond more, as a class that is. and i hope this year i don't cry when we end up splitting class. i'm gonna act as a stupid person -.- oh wow. haha. okay (: maybe it's just natural for me to be stupid (: so no acting required. haha (: cher and bianca and i will be pai kias too! (: whoo. i am so looking forward to it (: oh and thanks ethel and qian for writing the script (: love you guys lots!

and now, i will learn to love and to accept others for just who they are (: i will love, for this is what people need. i'll accept them, the very way they are (:

(: i am thankful for everything i have, yep (:

and thinking about it, what more can i ask for. nothing much more. cause this is all i need to be happy. this is all i need. so why am i asking for me? i shall learn to be contented (: yes i shall (:

and for all those who are down, all i have to say is don't give up (: cause when today's feeling like it's the worst day ever, tomorrow can get no where else but better (: hold on, for tomorrow will always be a better tomorrow (: trust in yourself, trust that life's not that bad. trust that tomorrow you'll see a new sunrise. trust the this life you're living won't let you down (: cause all you need is faith, hope and love (: have faith and hope. and love others like there are no tomorrow. (:

now i guess i finally understand what i've been trying to look for. now i know that all i really wanted was for you to tell me how much i meant to you. selfish, yes. but now, i guess it doesn't really matter anymore, for i have seen the true side of you. how much i really matter to you, i guess i don't mean much anyway (: it's alright. i understand, and you helped me understand that sometimes and some people are just not worth it. it's okay when i don't mean anything, it's okay when you don't need me. but just know this, you meant alot to me, i needed you, like as if you were my very breath. i guess you just need to know that (: and now i shall let you go. and let you be happy. for i know, that what i'm hoping for, what i'm clinging on to, is causing me and you nothing but hurt and pain. i know (: so i shall stop all this crap. (: yes thank you very much for your time (:

and now i know you're down. i know there are many things on your mind dear (: i do know. i can tell. and today when you walked off, i didn't know what to do. i guess i've not been much of a good friend, and i'm sorry. i just want you to smile. i made it for you, i hope you'd smile everyday (: cause it's your smile that makes you look so gorgeous (: and i miss the smile from inside of you, oh so much. i don't need you to tell me your problems, i don't need you to tell me what they are. i just need you to let me be there for you. when you need me, just let me be there for you, will you? there are many things which i wish i can do to make you happy again, but i don't know what to do, how to do it. just my dear, promise me this, don't keep it inside anymore. if you need me, i'm always here. we can talk it out (: during recess and lunch or after school (: tell me when you need me, and i'll be here (: i don't wanna see you so hurt anymore, for the pain living in your eyes, it hurts me. let me be here for you, like how you were there for me.

okay. for today i have learnt alot. on the basic person you have become. you were never like that, why the sudden change. it's like, the person you were with the person you are now, i can't seem to pick out something which is the same anymore. i was thinking in class what i loved about you before, and now, i can't seem to find those qualities in you anymore. if that's the case, then why am i holding on? why. and if that's the case, that you've changed into somthing so different, why am i still hoping that things would be okay, when they obviously aren't anymore. it's ironical, don't you think so? we're both holding onto something that we both know has gone, that we both know we can't find back again. what are we doing? just what are we trying to do? and now, i'm seriously wondering what i'm wondering about, because it just seems so obvious to me, what my answer should be. but i'm still wondering, about what? i damn it, don't know what. it sucks. maybe if you knew how much time i spend thinking, how much time i spent trying to find a good reason why you did that, what could make you a good reason to do that, but i can't find one. i try to think maybe that day you were down, needed some way to vent it out, maybe you just needed some form of love, but it all can't be the case. and it's tiring to keep trying to think of something, over and over again and not be able to find the answer. how fastrating it is. i can no longer take it anymore. it's tiring. and when i ask you why you did it, all you do is avoid my question. you know irritating it is to be left with no answer? i try so hard to help you understand why i'm acting this way, why i say some things, why i do some things. but you leave me hanging like that, with no answers at all to my quesetions. am i supposed to guess? cause if i guess, i think it'll turn out all wrong. and if it turns out wrong, then what's the point of me guessing? i guess you won't understand, but sometimes i really wish you did.

you know i wanted to give it a chance, cause i know i still do feel. but yet, what you're doing, it's like nothing matter except the fact that we patch. and it's like.. what do i say? i'm speechless, cause to me, that's all you seem to care about. would you care about me? or my feelings? can you stop caring with the fact that we'd patch or not, cause that's not the point to me. maybe it is to you, but to me, it's not. i just want an explaination, is that too much to ask for?

maybe that's why when me and you relates to me so much. cause it really says how i feel. i'm standing here, but all i want is to be there with you. i shouldn't have believed you were my miracle, cause now i have to pretend that i don't care but i do. i really thought you were a dream come true, my real life fairytale. but everyone else, told me you weren't. told me you weren't true. i thought i knew the songs you sang, your life. and then you smile and brought me in your arms like as if you wanted me to be a part of your life. and then you suddenly changed and kicked me out of your life. and so now i'm left with memories that were nothing but once upon a time. so now it's so hard for me to believe in miracles, in real life fairytales. i guess they were right, i was so caught up in the happy moments that i got so blinded. you went up so high, and even when i fell, you just let me. but it didn't seem to matter cause i like the view of me and you. but now i see the difference between a dream and reality. now i see the harsh reality.

bianca and cheryl, it's really comforting to know that i have dear friends like you guys. sometimes when i just feel like giving up on everything, you seem to understand everything. and when things are so hopless you guys are the ones who give me the hope. maybe you guys don't know it, but i really am grateful for friends like you. from the bottom of my heart, i thank god for giving me such friends. many things we've been through together, the bad and the good. but you guys have never failed to support me, backon me up. i know sometimes it gets frastrating cause i am sometimes too stupid to understand some things, but i wanna thank you guys for not giving up on me. for not giving up on helping me. i know how tiring it is sometimes, and how exasperating it is, and so i wanna thank you guys. for without you guys, i don't know where i'd be. really. through the good times and the bad, i promise, i'm gonna be there for you guys like how you're here for me now. always, i'll be here. just come to me (:

and i know i still love you. though i may not know what love is, i know i love you. it's too strong a feeling to be care or infactuation. and as much as i wanna patch, i know it's wrong. maybe i'm being selfish, i don't wanna be hurt. i should follow my heart, but where is my heart telling me to go? it's really such a feeling or being torn apart. when will you understand this fact, that i love you?

a nice song lyrics (: this song has always made me cry, now it still does (: i love this song.

heaven knows

She's always on my mind
From the time I wake up,
Till I close my eyes.
She's everywhere I go
She's all I know.

And though she's so far away,
It just keeps getting stronger everyday
And even now she's gone
I'm still holding on

So tell me, where do I start
'Coz it's breakin' my heart
Don't wanna let her go

Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
But only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope & pray
'Coz heaven knows.

My friends keep telling me
That if you really love her,
You've gotta set her free
And if she returns in time
I'll know she's mine

But tell me, where do I start
'Coz it's breakin' my heart
Don't wanna let her go

'Coz heaven knows
Why I live in despair
'Coz wide awake or dreamin',
I know she's never there
And all the time I act so brave,
I'm shakin' inside
Why does it hurt me so?

Heaven knows... heaven knows.

nice song aye (:

alot's been on my mind, but i don't really know what it is too. i've been thinking too much, that now i don't wanna think anymore. now i feel like i'm thinking about things, but yet i don't exactly know what i'm thinking about. and it's kinda fraustrating. i just wish i could talk to someone about it, but who should i tell? who would understand? oh bother. it's such a bother to think about such stuff.

i meant to call you today to talk about it, but you firstly, hung up on me. and then you switched off your phone. will you ever think about how i feel when you do all these things? pls, think about how i feel. cause i'm really tired. i don't wanna try anymore, but i don't wanna leave you dangling. but you keep doing these things, that really make me wonder, if you're worth my thoughts for your feelings, when seriously, you don't even care about mine. yet what bianca said today is true. i guess i'm really caught in between. somehow, i guess all i need to know now, is what i'm feeling. just what am i feeling.

thank you bianca, for encouraging me today (: i love you girl.

and now, what do i do ):

i wish i could stop thinking of your feelings, stop thinking about how you'd feel. i wish i could hyst simply not care about you. i wish that you could mean nothing at all to me. i wish so many things that won't ever come true. i seriously wish that this would end. but when will it? i can't take it any longer, i really can't. i'm breaking.

i don't know what's become of you, with your attitude and all. that even your best friends are turning against you. yes, best friends shouldn't turn against you, but yet, there must be something that you did right. so come on, i don't want to see you lsoe all your friends too. pls dear, change your attitude to the person i once knew, the one who was loveable. the one whom people loved.

i seriuosly am lost.

i have to take your point of view into consideration. i have to consider your feelings. but yet, when i do so, it makes me confused. yes i agree that talk we had was needed, but to be perfectly truthful, it didn't sort out any of my questions, nor did it make me feel any better. yes, i know how sorry you are, and i know how bad you feel. but like i said long ago, i am no longer angry. and when you said the reason for wanting to patch was to make it up to me, i felt like laughing out loud. not to say it's wrong, but seriously, look at this thing we're in. and if it's just to make it up, to repair your mistake, then what's the point. so many things i wanted to say, but i didn't cause i saw how scared you were by the expression on your face, but seriously, now i feel so much and i don't know what to say, where to start. maybe i should just stop feeling for this anymore, cause seriously, it's not getting me anywhere. it hurts me to see you this sad, but i don't wanna make you sadder by telling you a lie, that i love you. what a lie that'll be. cause truthfully, i don't even know what love is now. would you rather me lie to you? even if you would rather live a lie, i don't wanna let you live that, cause it sucks when you realise that it's all a lie. it's not a good feeling. now the problem, is not that i'm angry, is not that i feel hurt, it's not that i want you to be oh so sorry anymore, the problem is that i don't know what love is anymore. and if you could maybe ask yourself what love is to you, and you can answer yourself, then maybe you know what love is. but seriously, i doubt anyone our age knows what love is. they say, to love is to give. but there's nothing i got to give, don't you understand. and the thing is, i don't want to give. i can always be there to support you, but as a friend. it hurt me to see you with cheryl today, but i guess that's a hard fact i have to accept. it hurt me to see you sit with her, away from us today, but i guess it's something i have to live with. i just started to cry when i saw you, and i don't even wanna. you know how much hurt it's making me feel? it's not you, but it's the very fact that love our age will not last. and you and i are sure of it, so why keep lying to ourselves. i needed that hug and so did you, but that's all i can give. one last hug.

it's not easy to come to such a hard decision, but seriously, i don't want to lie to you or myself. i'm sorry

when i said i didn't wanna talk to you before service today, i meant it. but yet, you just couldn't accept my "no" again, now could you. when i wanted to talk about it, you wouldn't. and now that i don't wanna talk about it, you're forcing me to. thanks alot. for i never remember forcing you to talk about it with me when you didn't. it's true that we shouldn't just leave it like that, but i've made my point clear haven't i? so now, i don't see what's there to talk about. now it's just you and your emotions, it's not about me anymore. cause i've sorted mine out, i've made mine clear. it's just that you can't accept it. it's no more talking about "us", but about you, how you feel. and i'm tired. i want to leave it behind, but you keep bringing me back to it. you think it's fun? today, i'll keep my stand firm, i'll keep it the way it is like now. for noting's gonna change my mind.

i feel like crying now. as i had that talk with cheryl ytd. and the many points she brought up. how harsh and cruel this world can be. and even when we try to look at the good side of it, there are bad points in doing so. and it made me think real hard, why is this world like that. man, and i wish things could get better, but yet, i know it's hard. i used to think that if i wanted the world to change, i could be the first change. but now, it seems so hard. i'll keep trying, but is it really gonna work? hope so.

there are many things i wanna say, but i don't know how to phrase. when you told me that after we grew apart but you still could...., it made me real happy you know that? and now, i want to thank you, for letting be a part of your life. i know, it really isn't easy now. and you're tired. it's alright, cause i know a strong girl like you, you can come out even stronger (: i know it. for all the times you stood by me, the many times you scolded me until i woke up, i thank you. for without you, i'll still be in that thing of relationships. for without you, sometimes i'll still be in self pity. and you know, i appreciate you, for just you. there's no need for facades, there's no need for masks, for i will love you for who you are. just remember that (:

overwhelming feelings. trying to control them

joan my dear, i have a verse for you (:

philippians 3:13-14
"but one thing i do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, i press on."

that is what david did and what we should do too- press on (: i love you joan, and i know you can do it (: behind you all the way.

and khoo really amuses me. what kinda teacher says that she should be going faster when a student tells her she's going too fast? what kind of teacher takes leave off just to go for a holiday when our test is the next week?

but it was super amusing, and the more amusing thing was i wasn't pissed when she said all that. it amused me. you know why, cause our class was never so concerned over our exams like today. and it makes me glad to see this (: haha. yeah, it's kinda heartwarming and all. oh boy, she is amusing, i'm looking forward to her classes ((:

why did i let myself believe miracles could happen (: it's a nice phrase man (: as in from the song.

waiting for the sabaticals thing. aother 15 mins to kill (: and then after this is guides (: somehow, i'm loving guides more and more (: okay i'm not being gay by saying this, but i mean it. sometimes, doing the stupid things that we do, make me laugh real hard. and the love between my batch, although not much shown, but i know deep inside we love each other. and although some people are not that lovable, i still think that our batch is special (: cause if one person were to quit, it just wouldn't be the same anymore. i guess, i've also learnt how to love people for just who they are. yep. it's much easier then expecting them to be better.

and now, let's look forward, let's look at the future. don't look back, and see how it has edified our lifes. it's not about yesterday anymore for it is of before, it is of the past. and yes we can think about it now and then, but let's not look onto the past for our hope and hope that things will be the same again, cause if you just hope, and you don't do anything about it, will it really help? i don't think so my dear (: i'm not saying that you can't think about your past, and hold a hope in it, but don't put all your hope in it. it happened before, now take happiness that it happened and move on with your life. it's good that you found joy in it, but now, if you want tomorrow to be like those days, work on today so that tomorrow will be like those times. work on today, press on towards the goal of tomorrow. cause you're not living for yesterday but for tomorrow. live for tomorrow my dear (: it's okay to feel sad. it's really alright. everyone has the right to be sad. but dear, it's how you pick yourself up from the sadness. it's just all about how you pick yourself up, how you get out of it. and i know, and i believe you can (: you were the one who told me it was alright to feel the way i did, but just make sure that after i felt that way, i stop and think about why i felt that way. you told me that, remember? (: so now it applies to you. you can feel tired, you can feel like you don't know what to do, it's perfectly fine, but after this, stop. and then move on and face life like the past, how brave you were (: you love others, and i love you (: so jsut remember that i love you no matter what. you are hungry for love, and when you think that no one loves you, just remember i do (: your togetherforever, is here for you (:

wheeeee. four more mins (: hope i get the sabbaticals i want. (:

and ryan kor. it's not that i like to scold you, not that i like to lecture you, but sometimes your words are damn hurting.

you asked me for my advice, and i told you what i thought was best for you. and you told me my thinking was imature? i mean, if you think that way, then stop telling me all your problems, stop asking me what you should do. cause to you, my thinking is just way imature. and before you said that, did you even think of how i'd feel? argh.

you can go ahead and hate sherwin for rachel. but look at yourself, have you ever asked yourself why rachel never accepted you? have you asked yourself on how you should improve? no, all you wanted was for her to like you for who you are. but think about it, why should she like you when you're like that. when you hate others so easily, when you are so petty. think about it. you hate sherwin, i tell you not to. and you tell me i'm immature. thanks alot. i just wanted you to think about it, cause i know how tiring it is to hate someone, how hurting it is for yourself to hate another person. i do know okay. loving is like so much easier and happier than to hate. you haven't even tried to love him, how would you know it'd turn out. and you tell me all you care about now is your face? by what you're doing now, it just shows how immature you are. by what, fighting it out with him? and it's not like you don't know how much i detest fighting. and you still dare to tell it to me straight in my face. seriously, by the way you're acting now, i'd chose sherwin if i were rachel too. cause you're being so childish. you think by hating and fighting it'd melt rachel's heart? no way man. think about it. all i said, all these while, i was trying to help you, to make things easier for you. and all of it was just immature comments to you i guess. just think, love or hate. it's very much your own decision. so chose for yourself man. you hate, you yourself become miserable. so it's your own life, you decide. and if you decide to hate him, don't come crying on the phone to tell me how miserable your life is. because your life is what you create. the choices you make are the things that make you what you are now. so chose, chose what kinda life you want. and in the end, don't go around blaming others for the state you are in, like what you're doing now.

(: okay enough scolding.

breathe in breathe out. okay, cool down (: when there was me and you is a nice song (: it's a super nice song. ahaha. yes it is (: go listen to it (: there's the link (:
http://www.radioblogclub.com/open/98881/4/high_school_musical

say thank you (: you're welcome.

oh and all two ten people, go read class blog (:

and blood test results came back. the irritating thing is there's nothing wrong. and that's what makes me and mum more worried, cause if there's nothing wrong, then why is it like that. oh well!

i need to rant (: so don't take it much to heart, it's just all rantings.

if you bloody hell cared, you'd at least talk to me about it. you just left me here to guess for myself what's damn it on your mind. and maybe you don't see it, but i tried damn hard, to cheer you up when you were sad, when you were down. i told you that i was proud of you, and i didn't get a word of thanks. i mean, i shouldn't expect gratefullness, but damn it, you didn't even give me face, you didn't even try to sound happier. you have no idea, how much courage i took to say all those words, to tell you how i felt, to encourage you. how damn bloody much courage it took. and you don't even seem to know. and if you really feel like what you tell me you're feeling, you'd not be doing this now. you won't be leaving me here in mid air, trying to figure it out for myself. you won't be doing this. what are you trying to say? you're still lying to me at this very point in time? all i ever wanted, was the very sincere fucking sorry. and it just never came out of your mouth. is it that hard? after all you did? is sorry too much to ask for! and all these times, i hinted to you, that all i needed was a sorry, that if you needed to talk it out call me, but never once did you call me. and do you know, everytime the phone rings, my heart races, i hope it's you, cause i need to talk it out, i always hope that you are in the mood to talk it out. but it's never you. never. do you know how it feels? i guess you don't. you know, i wanna join ushering, for then i guess i'll know more people in church, then i won't have to stick to you. and then maybe, it'll be easier for me to move on, to move out of this stupid crap. i hate this. how can you just leave it like that! why won't you talk it out with me. cause you know, i don't even know what you're damn it really feeling. how would you like it, if i never told you how i felt. how would you like that. and so much for, tell me how you're feeling, no matter how terrible it is. come on, if you could tell that to me, now i'm saying it straight to your face, tell me how you're feeling. i'm not angry that you don't care about me anymore, i'm angry at how you're leaving me here to dangle. it's super sufficating. however you spell that. and all i want, is for you to tell me how you're feeling now. and if you're gonna leave, at least tell me, then i wouldn't be here hoping like a stupid idiot. don't you get it. that's all i'm asking for. cause it sucks to hang in mid air. SUCKS

It's funny when you find yourself
Looking from the outside
I'm standing here
but all I want
Is to be over there
Why did I let myself believe
Miracles could happen
Cause now I have to pretend
That I don't really care

I thought you were my fairytale
A dream when I'm not sleeping
A wish upon a star
Thats coming true
But everybody else could tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
When there was me and you

I swore I knew the melody
That I heard you singing
And when you smiled
You made me feel
Like I could sing along
But then you went and changed the words
Now my heart is empty
I'm only left with used-to-be's
Once upon a song

Now I know your not a fairytale
And dreams were meant for sleeping
And wishes on a star
Just don't come true
Cause now even I tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
Cause I liked the view
When there was me and you

I can't believe that
I could be so blind
It's like you were floating
While I was falling
And I didn't mind

Cause I liked the view
Thought you felt it too
When there was me and you

): i guess i really confused my feelings with the truth. i guess we were just really never meant to be. i guess if i still love you, i'll let you go. i guess i can see how much you don't wish to care anymore, i'll stop caring. i guess you need to be set free, and that's what i'll do. i guess you need someone whom you can have, not someone you have to wait for, and it's alright, i'll wait for you. i guess, it was just all a foolish mistake on my part.

i wanna say THANK YOU (:

for all those you said it'll be all right. and you know what, i think it's gonna be alright too (: hoho (: yes, i'm feeling optimistic today (: isn't that great. yupyup. erm, today was fantastic, uh huh (:

cheryl ho went spastic during music -.- yes, and she gave me lots of whackings for stealing her answers. but cheryl, it's not my fault that i'm fast (: haha. and and and, i don't care okay (: i'm gonna be a teacher (: i don't know what kinda teacher, but i sure am gonna be one (: haha. well, and err, i love nursery rhymes (: hahaha. bianca and i have a childhood, and poor cheryl doesn't ): awww.

oh man, i just realised what i crap post this is. oh well (: haven't posted something like that in ages anyway, and i guess it should (: haha. hyper hyper (:

wheeeeeeeeeeeeee (:

oh man, the injection is painful ): damn, i'm no good with pain. i just hope nothing's wrong. gah, i'm getting a little worried.

i'm glad today went well, at least we talked, at least we behaved like we were decent friends (: and i miss these times, i love you. (:

sarang haeyo means i love you (:

i really don't need a long term sickness or even just a serious sickness now. cause i've just got out of one pit, i don't wanna fall into another. god, pls don't let anything happen. cause i really can't help but be scared. i don't want another operation like before, i don't want another sickness ):

for tomorrow, i pray you have the strength to know that no matter what people put you through, know that i'm always proud cause you're standing up for what you know is right. for tomorrow, i pray you know the right words to say, know the right things to do, to those who beat you up, i pray you learn how to love them with the love of god. for tomorrow, i pray that you'll not cry cause i love your smile. for tomorrow, i pray that it'll be a good day for you, for i know you are a great guy. for tomorrow i pray things will go smoothly, so then you'll be happy. for tomorrow i pray that your classmates will think differently, think that you're special. for tomorrow, i pray that people will learn how to appreciate you more, learn how to appreciate you for the things you do. for tomorrow, i pray that people will be proud of you, like how proud i am of you. for tomorrow, i pray that your father will learn how to love you the way he should. for tomorrow, i pray that you realise that you're special in your own way, different from your siblings. for tomorrow, i pray that you'll see a better day, another ray of hope (:

i'm glad you called to tell me why you didn't talk to me. i'm glad that well, at least you bothered. i'm glad that i'm beginning to feel less, hope less. i'm glad that you didn't look for me today morning, cause i wouldn't have knew what to say. i'm glad that i've learnt to take things in my stride.

i don't what it'll take to make you see how much i treasure this friendship. i don't know what it'll take to show you how much i want this to stop. i don't know what it'll take to show you how sorry i am. i don't know what it'll take to show you how sincere i am. i just really all don't know. i try so hard, and i guess you are too. i just hope you'd know how much i love you my dear friend, and that i really care for you, like now, like past, like forever.

there are many people who have been here for me. some in their own silent way. and i wanna thank all of you

1. malcolm KOR
2. candice DEAR
3. hannah KINDY BEST FRIEND
4. hui da DI
5. jared TWEETY BIRD (x

these are the people i wanna say a big thank you to. cause although you don't talk to me about the prob, you have always silently been there to help me through it. reasuring me. i just want you guys to know, that knowing you guys in church, is one of my greatest fortune (: and the things you guys do, although small, they mean alot alot to me. like what it's said, to love your neighbour as yourself, i think you guys have done it so well (: i love you guys, and nothing is ever gonna change that. and what gets me through this tough time, is when you guys tell me that you'll be there for me. that's all i need to get me through, and you all did it. the many thanks in my heart, i wanna express, but i don't know how to. i just want to say i owe it all to you guys, for your constant reminders that god's there for me and that you guys are too. i love you guys (:

and in church, i guess there's really where i get my support from. not saying that school friend are not there, they are, and i appreciate them. but from church, it's when i can hear those reassuring words, that god's there for me. sometimes i do know he's there, but i need reminders. cause sometimes i chose to forget. to my cell group, i know i haven't exactly been a good cell member, but i'm trying, i really am. thank you for being so patient with me, thank you for listening.

thank you dale, for that prayer that week when i cried. thank you for comforting me. thank you for sitting with me during dinner just to make sure i was alright. thank you for calling me that day when i was talking to on msn, and i seemed troubled, thank you for the call. you gave me advice and seemed to know what i was going through. talking to you for that 2 hours, made me cry but it also made me see things in a different light. thank you for your patience with me, and i appreciate it. i know i'm not the most ideal cell member, but i will try to be. thank you for your patience and guidance.

thank you geraldine, for being such a nice cell group leader (: for never failing to inform me on cell events. although most of the time i can't go, you never fail to ask me if i can, or if i want to. your sms last year, telling me that you're praying for me, that you keep me in prayer, really helped me alot. that i knew someone cared, that i knew i was important enough that someone would pray for me. thank you. and for the many cell meetings, your word always touches me. thank you for your great talks. thank you for loving us, despite your own pain. thank you for your constant care and concern.

thank you joan, for always being such a great friend. i know, i aine't someone who is easy to get along with, but you still stuck by me through thick and thin. i still remember the first time i opended up to you, it was area gathering. and both of us were high. i can still remember the times when we were both so happy (: i remember all of it joan. and thank you, for caring. thank you for your sms-es, your verses, cause they do help alot. joan, thank you for your letters, your words of encouragement. your words of love and concern. thank you for that walk along the beach. thank you for that wet sandy hug. thank you throwing sand with me. thank you walking me home that day. thank you for your posts, thank you for accpeting me the way i am. thank you for not losing your patience with me, thank you for your understanding. thank you for your unconditional love, thank you for being here with me. together forever, are not just words. i mean them, i promise them. through it all, me you and god, we'll go through it all together. and we'll come out smiling. thank you darling, for being such a wonder.

thank you gerlaine, chee yan, shawn, pamela, marcus, jason, erm, and those other cell members who i don't remember their names =/, i really love you guys, and there are no one in this world who will replace you guys in my heart, my dear cell group members, the people who i met in church and will always be in church with me (: love you guys.

there are much more i wanna say. but too little time.

i just needed you to talk to me today, was it too much to ask for? i don't think so. and to think, ironically, it was your best friend who talked to me and made me laugh. how ironic

i just hope today goes out well, that i don't cry in church and that you prove to me what i'm feeling right now, is wrong.

i sincerely hope (:

what has happened to that friendship we once had irwin? just vanished like that? just cause you found another better friend? can't you have two good friends at the same time? you know, it's really hurting when you just leave, poof, and you don't care anymore. when i try to talk to you, you don't even respond anymore. why? is this what you call friendship? if it is, then now i finally know why people asked me not to be too close to you, and why you practiacally have not much friends at all. irwin, word of advice to you, quit doing this to people, cause someday people are gonna do it to you. and when that day comes, it's not gonna be pleasent, it's gonna be hurting. so pls, reflect. xiao yi still loves you.

all i needed was your attention, for that half an hour when i felt so down, lost. but i guess, on your side, there were many convers too. i guess i'm too demanding as a friend, but i thought you could give me just that half an hour. i guess i expect too much, i'm sorry.

i talked to you last night, and i felt really sorry. i never knew you had so many problems, why didn't you tell me before? why didn't you let me go through it with you ):

i know now, that you have your insecurities, you try to cope with them, but nothing's going right now. i know, i really do. and all that you're going through, i've been there too. i know it's not easy, i will not say i felt exactly the same way, but the hurt, it's the same. i may not know everything, cause you kept saying you were alright, but i know deep inside, the hurt and the pain.

when you said no one was proud of you, i was stunned. you know, i am. i can say this, I CHARIS LEONG AM PROUD OF YOU. i really am. i mean, so what if your studies are crapped up, there were many a times in other things that you did me real proud (: like the many examples i gave you last night, your cross country, your napfa, but you know what's the thing that makes me real proud? it's your courage and your determination to change for the better (: really, it makes me feel so proud of you. i mean, everyone makes mistakes now and then in life, cause no one's perfect, but it's how we learn and change after those mistakes that make us who we are. and you are changing yourself for the better, and it's not easy, but you're doing it cause you know it's good. and i'm proud of you for that (:

when you said no one appreciates you, i almost wanted to cry. you mean, you don't see how much i appreciate you? when you said only 2 people appreciate you, i really wanted to cry. it can't be only two people who appreciate you, it can't be. you have so much to appreciate. your skills in your guitar, your singing, your basketball pro-ness (: there's so much more. and that's only on the outside, your character, your inner heart, the more i appreciate. i know, some things you do, they don't seem pleasent to others, but when you explain it to me, i see the efforts to try to improve that person's life. and sometimes, yes, you don't do it the right way but i see your heart, and i know your intentions. and i appreciate them (: and i appreciate your efforts alot. your efforts in trying to change, in trying to study, in trying to be a better person. i know, i really do, that it's very difficult, and i appreciate you for trying (:

don't compare yourself with others. "for you are jewel, you're a treasure. you are one of a kind and you shine just as bright as the stars in the sky. you're a rare kind of wonder, created just right. so keep your head up no matter the pain, theres nothing about you thats plain." remember this song? yes, now apply it to yourself. you're a jewel, and there's nothing about you that's plain. there are things in you, which your brother and sis don't have. you have a character different from theirs, and it just takes certain people to appreciate it. yes, in studies they may be better than you, but so what. like what i said, is studies really that important? you know from the start, education means nothing to me. it's the character that does. i don't know much about your sis, but i know your bro. and if you ask me, which i prefer, you or him, i'd truthfully say i prefer you. cause i don't have a single idea what's going on in his mind, and i see the way he treats you, yeah, there are good times, but when he's in a bad mood, how does he treat you? not so good. and so, i really would rather have a friend like you than him. see? you don't compare yourself with them in the things that they are better, look beyond the wordly skills, look into your heart. and you'll see how really beautiful your heart is (:

people don't treat you like trash, you understand me? cause when i pick up my phone, you're the first i sms. you're the first i wanna call. if i treated you like trash would i do that? no, i won't. you're not trash, like what i said, you're a jewel. and jewels surely aren't trash. i don't know why you feel like you're trash, but to me, you're really a wonder, wonder of my life. and even when everyone treats you like trash, and everyone thinks that you're trash, i'll still stick to my thinking, that you're a jewel, cause i've seen the good side in you, and i think it's beautiful (:

and i know how hard you try with your father, i really do. i know it's hard, but think about his feelings would you? if you were him, i'm sure you'd be worried if your son were like you. i mean, to adults, parents, studies matter alot. and that's something you're not that good in, but i'm sure he still loves you and cares for you. i mean, which parent won't love his own kid? if he hadn't loved you, he wouldn't have bought the wallet to say sorry. right? look at things from another point of view, and things can be much better (: i know it isn't easy to look at it from his point, but try. all you need is to try (:

after typing so much, i don't know if it helps you anot, but i just want to say you're not someone who is pathetic, not someone who is trash, not someone who is not appreciated, and i am proud of you (: come what may, i'll stick by you.

i am here for you my friend, i'm just a call away if you need me (:

Now I wonder, what is real, what is not? What do I believe in, what have I lost faith in? Just what is real and what is not?

The love we all talk about everyday of our lives, the hope we all talk about everyday of our lives, is it just all a façade? All just a show? We claim and profess that there is love in this world of ours, but why can’t I feel it? Why can't I feel the love? The love you guys talk about, is it real or is it something we all have believed in, without knowing if it even exists? I do not know, am I that stupid that even such a simple thing, I do not have an answer? Now, I don't even dare to cry anymore, afraid that people would see the weak side in me, take advantage of it, and manipulate me. Maybe I deserve it, for placing so much of my hope, all of my hope in love. But now, I just am wondering, what is love? I just really want to know what love is. I used to get my hope from love, and now that I lost my love, where am I to get my hope from. It is hard to live life without hope, it is difficult. I do not know what to do, how to live life now, for I have lost my hope. I just would like to know how to get my smile back. Just tell me how, cause it is too painful to live a life as such, without no smiles, no laughter. Someone pull me out of this deep pit of misery, for I have fallen too deep and I have no more strength to pull myself up. Someone, pull me out of here.

Now I understand the meaning of helplessness. And if I could I would really want to take away all the hurt in people, take away all the pain and sorrow people feel in their hearts. Lost of loved ones, feelings of disappointment, all of them, how I wish I could take them away. That everything would be just on me, that everyone else could be happy. For now I know how painful it is, and I do not want anyone to go through this ever again. I do not want them to have such an experience, for it is not something I want them to have. I want them to have a smile on their face, hum a song in their step. Smile and show me their teeth, and it will all be worth it.

I guess this is why I love kids so much. For I know the happiness they have in them. The simple pleasures they have. It may be just a simple sweet, or just by carrying them and lifting them high up in the sky. Listening to their laughter, I feel so free, like as if nothing in this world matters anymore. For I know, when they laugh they mean it, there is no façade, not mask they have to wear. Simple ways to hear them laugh, I am willing to do those things. It is such a rare wonder to hear laughter from the heart now a days, that I have now learnt to treasure this music. Those kids who have been across the path of my life, they have taught me a great deal. But the most important thing they have taught me is how to be satisfied with what I have, to be happy with what I have. And those things I cannot have, try to reach for it, but if I cannot reach it, let it go. They taught me this, young as they may be, they see the world in such a better way than we do. So much to learn from them, so much I have to gain from being with them. Their laughter, is my only joy, my only reason to still believe.

And now, who can we really confide in? Who can really understand us in our times of need? Who would tell us all they have in mind without worrying what the other party would really feel? Who would really listen without judging? Ironic as it may sound, the closer I am to someone, the less I would want to tell the person about my troubles. not trying to sound heroic, but I do not want those close to me to know my hurts, for I do not want them to be upset by it too. Ironic as it may seem, I would rather share with a stranger, for I know that he would not be bothered by it cause after all I am no one to him. Ironic, it is. I want you to be perfectly truthful with me, to tell me what you really feel, cause I won’t be here to judge you, I will be here to go through it with you. together, forever. I know today has been a damn fucked up day for you. and it has been for me too. I do not know what to say, to make you feel better, cause frankly speaking, I think both of us are sick and tired of this world now, we are just so bloody tired. I guess that is why together forever. Cause we will always be going through the same thing. I just want to tell you that when everything falls, when everything goes wrong, you can hold on to me, you can hope in me. cause I will never let you down. When everything is letting go, when everything is just slipping away, you can trust and believe that I will be clinging onto you. you can believe in that. Believe in me, when there’s nothing more to believe in.

What more is there to say, but this world sucks. I’m fed up with this world. Why is it like that, that when people are trying so hard, that we have to fall so hard. why is it then when we believe, it always turns out to be the wrong thing we believe in. why is it that when I try so hard to be happy, I cannot. And why is it then when I know she tries so hard, I cannot help her. I want to get us through this, but I myself am so freaking tired. But for you, my dear friend, I will hold on for you held on for me too. We will get through this together, trust me. and if we fall we fall together. I do not care, cause when I said together forever, I meant it. we either get out of it together, if not we stay in it together. We will either fall deeper into this together, or we will crawl out of this holding hands together. I do not care, whatever it is, I am going to stick with you, through thick and thin. Believe in me, cause I believe in you too.

i will learn to let you go, cause i love you too much.

joan, pls tell him about it. cause he freaking doesn't even care anymore. and i feel so hurt ):

i don't know if you and her are together, i don't know if you asked her and it was what you were talking about: "___ just told me to give up. u think i hpy isit." i don't know. but if it's true, i guess i have nothing to say. i read her blog, and i guess i'm really, ... hurt. how could you two have fallen for each other in such a short time such as a week?! i don't know, but you, you have just always been this way haven't you. any girl who comes along, argh. nvm. i don't wanna hurt your feelings and i don't wanna talk about it. i just wish you'd think about it, if this is love, then what can it grow into? nothing more i guess. since you fall in love so fast.

TO MY FELLOW WONDER OF THE WORLD (:
iris (: thank you for your letter. i know sometimes it's hard to understand, it's hard to well, take the courage to say that you read my blog, but you still did it and tried to advice me. thank you dearie (: and for once, i'll say you're nice too (: although maybe you've already "kan kai" on that prob you had a few days back, but if you need me, i'm also still always here if you need me (:

i smiled at you today, and you rolled your eyes at me. just what exactly do you want from me!

forget it, i'm not gonna be disgusted by the two of you. i'm not gonna be so affected by you, i'm still gonna try, but it's not gonna affect me so much.

Love is - seeking to make another person happy. --Unknown. and this is why i let you go.

Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It means you have decided to look beyond the imperfections. i'm gonna be happy (: i don't care. i wanna be and i'm gonna be (:

i feel sad, really. cause i don't wanna let you go ): you know, i said ytd to cheryl i didn't love you anymore, that i was out of sympathy. i thought it was that way, but when i thought about it, deeper, i know i still feel something for you. it's not sympathy, but i also don't dare to say it's love anymore ): it's hard to let things just go like that, but i don't want to be too upset about this, i really hope you understand, that it's not cause i don't love you anymore, not cause i'm angry, but cause.. truthfully, i don't know why too. i cry, but no one sees the pain of letting "us" go ): i still very much want you to hold my hand it kiss it when i leave, for you to be able to tell me about your day, but somehow you and i just collide, maybe it's just not meant to be. i wish someone would see the hurt, the agony in letting you go. but more importantly, i want you to know, i'm always here for you, like before ):

claudia showed me a few nice songs today (: and i guess i shall post it (:

i come to the cross

i come to the cross
seeking mercy and grace
i come to the cross
where you died in my place
out of my weakness
and into your strength
humbly i come to the cross
your arms are open
you call me by name
you welcome this child that was lost
you paid the price
for my guilt and shame
jesus i come
jesus i come
jesus i come to the cross

all my life

all my life
through the good and bad of life
whether i should gain or lose
still i choose to live my life
every moment all for thee
walking oh so close to thee
as i'm learning everyda
come what may
to follow thee
take away the doubt that hides thy perfect will
give me faith instead
and with thy spirit fill
than all my days
be the gaurdian of my ways
and i'll know the flories of
all thy works
through all my days

claudia is forever introducing me to nice songs (: i love you claudia (:

on sunday, when i was at service, this song we sang, a song that i never liked before, touched me. i guess i didn't know if god really loved me, and this is what he said to me:

crucified, laid behind the stone.
you lived to die,
rejected and alone.
like a rose,
trampled on the ground.
you took the fall,
and thought of me,
above all.

and this thought came to my mind, he knew he was going to be rejected and alone. crucified by the people he loves, yet he still loved us, when we let him down so bad. isn't this what love is? that he still loved us, despite what we did to him. we trampled on him, spit in his face, but yet he still chose to love us, what greater love than a man lay down his life for a friend? i love you jesus, i really do.

oswald my dear (:

oswald, i thought about it for a whole night, and this whole morning, and my mind's still the same. let's end it here. yes, it's because of what people say, it's because of the hurt you've caused too. i'm not saying that i still bear the grudge, i'm not angry anymore. cause i know no one's perfect. and that was your only mistake i guess. oswald, it's not that i don't love you anymore, but tell me, is it right to be in a relationship at this age? we both know it's not. and i don't want to dissapoint god anymore. i've dissapoitned him time and time again, and there was once someone said, if he forgives you, then don't abuse it. well, i guess i've been abusing it, taking it for granted, his love, his mercy and now it's time i give something up for him. like you said, god's first in your life, and so is he in my life. so i'm sorry. and it's not only that, for now, i don't even know what love is anymore. i really don't. i thought i knew, but now, after what happened, i'm questioning love, is there even such a thing? well yeah, maybe there is, but not between girls and guys at this age i guess. oswald, you are a great guy, and i mean it when i say it. you've brought me much joy in the past 3 months, and much hope and laughter. i want you to be happy oswald, and i know i can't bring you that happiness, i'm no where near it. i want you to be happy (: find someone who will make you happy. someone who makes you laugh the way you make me laugh. the way you make me smile. find that person, and when you find her, show her to me (: cause i want to see her, give you my fullest blessings. oswald, it's not easy to let you go, it was not easy for me to come to this decision, but i have. and the main reason oswald, is that, i don't know what love is anymore. i doubt it. to me, in my dictionary now, there's no such thing as love. and well, i don't want to lead you on, i don't want to give you any false hopes, so let's not hold on to something that won't last, not hold onto something that is not real. oswald, let's face it, there was never love between us, maybe it was infactuation, i don't know. but it's not love. we're too young to know what love really is. and oswald, you have been a wonder to my life. thank you, but i can't continue anymore. cause i really doubt if love even exists. i'm sorry.

it was not easy to come to this decision at all, i cried during geog, but i guess no one saw.

i don't know what's in your mind girl, one min you're so nice to me, the next you're the meanest person i ever know. what should i think of you?

should i be giving you another chance? should i just leave it as what it is now? or should i be firm about my decision, that we break?

i want to end it, that's my decision. but when i hear you over the phone, when you said sorry, i don't know how to not forgive you. i don't know how to stay so unmoved. i seriously hate this, cause after i took so much courage to ask for the break, you always find some way to make me not to. and it's not only you, it's been with all the others too. i hate myself for being so soft hearted. i forgive you, but does that mean that we have to be more than friends? truthfully speaking, even if we get back together, it's not be because i still love you like before, but because i don't want to see you upset. i know it's stupid, but i hate you see you so upset. i hate it. and well, i believe with time, i can find back the feelings. but is it worth it? i'm just caught in between. with what my heart feels and what i don't want to see. my heart wants to break, but i don't wanna see you sad. when you said, i changed you, that's what i did for you, i wanted to cry. cause was there really nothing more? for to me, changing, is what you did for yourself, no one could have done it if you hadn't want to. was there really nothing more i brought to you? i guess that's also another thing that's holding me back. cause i know, i can't make you smile i can't make you laugh. i can't make you feel like as if you're so special. i want you to be all those, to laugh smile and to feel special. but i can't do that for you. and i'm too guai, i'm not someone whom is perfect for you. that's at least what you said. and that's why oswald. that's all why. things are holding me back, so many, but the one very fact that you are gonna be sad, is making my mind go in one big twirl, one big mess. i don't know what to do ):

CHERYL (: i don't know how to show my gratitude. for not saying: i-told-you-so. for still after so much, wanting to help me through this. my dear friend, there's nothing i appreciate more than someone who wants to know how i feel. i don't need advice, cause i somehow or another know what to do, i don't need verses from the bible, for i know how to read too. i need someone to listen to me, to ask me what i feel, and that's what you did. cheryl, i know many thing's happening lately have not proved to you that caring is something worth while to do, but now i would like to say that you are very much appreciated by me. sometimes people don't seem to appreciate it, but i do. i appreciate you, i appreciate you being here for me cheryl (: you're such a blessing, and i thank god for you. through the good times and the bad, i'll be here for you, just come to me (:

joan darling, i'm so sorry you have to be stuck in between me and him. i'm so sorry. but i don't even know what to say to him anymore, and i'm just so, lost. i don't know what i'm feeling, i don't know what to do.

when you're standing at the crossroads
and don't know which path to chose
let me come along
cause even if you're wrong
i'll stand by you

i wanna be there for you, but i can't

i can see the pain living in your eyes
and i know how hard you try
you deserve to have much more.
i can feel your heart and i sympathize,
and i'll never criticize
all you've ever meant to me
i don't wanna let you down,
i don't wanna lead you on
i don't wanna hold you back
from where you might belong
you will never ask me why my heart is so disguides
i just can't live a lie anymore
i rather hurt myself than to ever make you cry
there's nothing left

when i called, you didn't even seem sad. oh well, what can i expect (:

i don't feel a thing anymore (:

so now since i've cooled down, i shall officially say thank you to eugene (:

there are many things that have been happening, and i guess you're the only one who really knows it all. you know, you may feel like you're some cause of it all, my insecurities and stuff, but eugene i'll have to say this, you're not. and eugene, i haven't kept anything from you, well almost. you are the one who i've told the most, let out my feelings with the most. cause i know you won't say much, i know i could trust you wouldn't say anything. eugene, stop thinking that it's cause of you, of even partially cause of you. because it's you who brought me back my hope, my smile. you are the one eugene. really. like on sunday, when i just couldn't take the pressure, you were the one who called him for me, you were the one who made me laugh with your stupid chair jokes. eugene, you are the one who cheered me up that day. i know, it may be easy to cheer me up, to make me laugh cause i laugh at the slightest things, but you did it when i was so down. and you tried your best, that's what i appreciate most. you tried your best, for me. and on wednesday. yes, i was feeling very fraustrated cause of the talk i had, and you just let me talk. you just let me all out. and on the bus and train, you made me laugh like no one's buisness. i hadn't laughed like that in ages. and you did it eugene (: you did it. there are many words i want to say and i want to do, but i don't know how to express my gratitude. eugene, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. for you've been such a wonderful friend (:

To me, at this very moment, I don’t want to give you another chance. Cause I doubt you even know why I’m angry with you. it’s not cause you changed your status to single or whatever. Maybe you’ll never know. I didn’t know how to ask you over the phone, that I wanted to break. But now I guess I want to tell you right here and right now, let’s break. I have no right to be angry, that’s the conclusion I came up with after much thinking today.

I may think it’s wrong, what you did. But if you didn’t think that it was wrong, then to you, you have done no wrong. If to you, you have done no wrong then I have no right to expect you to think or feel that you’re wrong. I guess now, it’s just all about point of view, my perception and yours. I can’t expect us to have the same perception in everything, cause that’ll be too absurd. But this is not some small thing, where if we don’t see it the same way it doesn’t matter, cause this is a important thing, that we should have a same perception on. But we don’t. after thinking much today, I’ve cooled down. And all I can say is that it’s not your fault. I should have made my stand clear right from the start, but I didn’t. it’s not your fault that you thought it was okay. I was wrong in not telling you how uncomfortable I felt. I should have voiced it out instead of expecting you to see the signs. I should have not been so quiet with all that I felt, I should have said them out. And it’s my fault that things have come to this stage, and I’m sorry. I should have made it all clear right from the beginning, where the line stopped and not to cross that line. I should have made it clear. It was wrong of me to blame it all on you, like I had no share in it at all. But now I don’t want to carry on. Cause even if it’s my fault, I still am hurt. you don’t have to know why, you don’t need to know what you can do to make it up, but just listen, let’s end it. I took 3 hours in my room today, to think about you and me. I needed to sort out my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions. I couldn’t just let my emotions rule over my head, I’ve learnt not to allow them to. I sat there and I thought, from one thing, it led to another. And to be truthful, I know deep in my heart, I do love you. but I don’t want to anymore. I don’t want to love you anymore. I’m not fit to love you, or anyone. I’m not fit to. You deserve better. I don’t want to make myself sound noble, like as if I’m doing it all for you. to make it clear, I’m doing this for myself. I don’t want to end up hurt cause we all know you deserve better. I don’t want to cling onto you, and see you leave for someone better in the end. I don’t want to become the victim of all of this. I just don’t want to feel the way I’m feeling ever again. I’m selfish, yes I know. Move on, you can, I know you can. Like how you moved on from Celestine or Cheryl or whatever. You can move on, so pls, move on. And let me move on too. It’s not been easy on you and me. but let it be you and me from now on, and not us anymore. I’ll always be here to listen to you if you need me, to cheer you on if you feel down. just let me know. though we're not together anymore, i can always still be your friend. you can hate me, i understand, but if you ever need someone to believe in you, i will. i'm sorry. it's over. i can't carry on anymore.

i've come to learn alot about myself. i'm not that great in my mind as i used to think i was anymore. i used to think i was special, that there was something about me that was worth to be proud off. but now, all i feel is insecurties. i'm not even sure of who i am anymore. and now, i don't feel i'm worth a thing. i'm sorry, i'm not supposed to feel this way, but it's just how i feel. those who know of this blog, i consider close friends, and i guess, i'm sorry to have let you guys down.

joan, you are a strong girl (: being with you, being your friend for the past year or so has made me see what a strong person you are. yes you are strong my dear. but joan, strong people have the right to be down too, like how heroes have the right to bleed. it's normal my dear. i know, you feel like you don't want to be sad when everyone's already so down, you don't wanna make it worse. joan, i see the efforts, i appreciate it. but it hurts me to see you like that. i don't want to see you in pretence. i'd rather cry with you then laugh with you when you don't mean your laughter. i'd rather lend you my shoulder then to be drunk with you when i know that you aren't really hyper. joan, i would rather have a truthful friend with me, than someone who's happy all the time. joan, when you're happy or sad or hurt or hyper or anything at all, to me, all the time, you are a beautiful person. it's just feelings joan, nothing wrong with feeling the way you do. nothing wrong at all. everyone is entitiled to feel the way they do. no one's wrong in the way they feel, cause feeling, they can't be controlled. you know what makes me happy joan? it's when you just be truthful with me (: to know that through the good times and the bad, i'm going through it with someone, which is you. joan, i doubt love, you know why? cause i don't know what it exactly means. but i shall tell you this, i don't know if i love you, but i do know this. you mean somethng to me, and you're unique, one of a kind. no one else will replace you in my life. someone who went up on stage with me and laughed like shit. someone who put her arm around me when i cried. someone who wrote me a letter and made me go nuts cause it was such a nice letter. someone who when i was crying so bad that i couldn't even stand up, held my hand, and told me everything was going to be alright. someone who understands me so well, who know what to say to me when i'm sad or down. someone who has always been there for me, someone i share a very special pledge with. joan, love is nothing but a word. but what i feel is that i will go through it all with you, let me be there for you. i'll walk down the beach with you, cause joan you're special. no one's like you, NO ONE. be yourself with me joan, cause that's all i want you to be. not someone special, cause i know in my heart, you are already someone special. joan, all i want is a joan that can be truthful with me (: that's all i need, all i need from a friend as close to my heart as you.

eugene, all i have to say is i'm sorry. sorry for acting the way i am now. what do you feel, that's all i want to know now. just what do you feel.

i don't know what i should feel now. it's like nothing really matters to you.

and you, i wanna know what you're feeling, but i don't dare ask you ):

to you.

you know, let's end it right here, right now. i don't care if you see this anot, but to me, it's over. i can't take this anymore. i don't want to take this anymore. i guess everyone was right, everyone was right about you. that you can't be trusted, that you are nothing but words. why was i so stupid to trust you, to love you. maybe i don't know the meaning of love, maybe i don't. but to you, just what is love? i shall make this clear to you, so get it into your head, love's not about physical. damn it, it's not. i was stunned, when you did that. i didn't know what to do. what on earth were you thinking when you did that? did you think of my feelings? isn't love, putting the other before one self? you obviously didn't think of mine. and to perfectly truthful with you, i hate myself for loving you. cause you make me feel like a complete idiot now. i think i was blind or something. i despise you. you can't even hold up to that little bit of pressure that your cell group members give you. you changed every single thing, like as if i'm nothing but a friend to you when your cell members gave you pressure. then how about me? if i had did that, then i would have given up even before the first month. i didn't know you were the kind who gave in so easily. it's like, be a man. why change from attached to single? why ask me to stop writing testimonials to you? ARE YOU THAT FREAKING SCARED?! you were the one who said nothing's wrong with us being together, and that i meant more than anythng in the world. you were the one who said you'd do anything to make me happy until i can't be happier. you were the one who said that no matter what you'll be there to support me. and what were all those?! lies?! well, to me it seems that way. if i meant more than anything, you wouldn't have lied to your cell members, to your friends. if you would have done anything to make me happier, why do you still fight? why did you smoke? why do you flirt around like as if i'm non-existant even when i'm around you? why do you tell me that you'll call back in 5 mins, and never call back till two days later? why! answer me. if you would support me, why was it that when my friends turned their back on me cause of you, you didn't even bother to listen, saying, "no lah, i'm sure it's not like that." come on, don't lie to me straight in the face anymore, cause it hurts. if you loved me, you wouldn't have did that. you wouldn't. i said no, so respect it. i cried, why didn't you stop. i held onto your hands, i wanted you to stop, but you just pushed my hands away. why did you become like that. you were the perfect person in my mind although i knew you were so imperfect. but that was it. i guess i was wrong after all. maybe i should have just listened to them, i shouldn't have believed that you were different. maybe if i had did that, nothing would have happened. and now i ponder on your every word. why was i so happy when you called everyday, cause you call every single girl everyday. why was i so sure i was the only one, cause for all i know, you could have easily had another without me knowing. why did i believe you when you said you stopped smoking, cause when i ask people, no one can say that you've stopped smoking, all they say is i don't know. why did i believe you when you said you'd stop fighting, cause you fought again. why was i so touched when you sang a song for me, cause you sing for everyone. why was i so touched when you wiped away my tears, cause maybe it was malcolm that asked you to. why did i believe you?! why was i so stupid. when i said i love you, no matter what happens, i meant it. but i have to break my promise now. cause of this i can't keep my promise. there's no way i can. i've tried, one week after it happened, but no i can't. i just can't help but hate you. i'm sorry. it wouldn't have worked out anyway. i hate you. and thank you for leaving such a impact on my life, negatively. thank you so much, for making me doubt love, i really needed that. thanks alot ah. but still i hate you.

today was sort of a meaningful day for me. i guess it set me thinking about lots of things, things that i would never have thought of if not for today.

why am i becoming so close to you again. i don't understand myself. after all that we've been through, the past, why am i telling you things that i don't even tell my good friends? why am i letting myself become another victim of your hua xin-ness. what exactly am i doing. if you hadn't kept asking me if she was with me, maybe i wouldn't have thought about it. what was your purpose in adding her on msn? just what was your purpose? to make new friends? or for something even more? i don't know. i don't want to be so close to you anymore, i don't want to tell you things which are not meant for just friends to know, i don't want us to be anything else but friends. maybe i'm thinking too much, but i just don't want to be so close to someone again, that he is able to hurt me. i don't want to.

i'm glad you actually asked, cause i wanted to tell you, but i didn't know how to. thank you dear, for caring. but there's something i left out, it was more than one layer. if you get what i mean, if you don't then i'll tell you some other day (: thank you darling, for i know, that you care.

when i sat on that ride, i guess i just felt the physical thing of what i'm emotionally feeling. i wanna move, i wanna step out of this, but cause of circumstances, cause of my own fears, cause i'm scared, i can't. i guess that's just how i felt. and when i sat on the ride, i just felt like crying. but i didn't (: cause i'm a strong woman (:

i just wish you'd stop rolling your eyes at me. god, i pray they don't drop out someday. keep them inside, for i don't want her to go blind.

i just wanted to go to church, find god again. face my fear. face him. and you wouldn't let me. i just feel like crying. i don't even have the chance to face my fear when i want to. i just want to tell him all that i feel. i just want to find god, cause it's been so long. and you wouldn't let me. i just really feel like letting go, of everything, but yet i don't wanna. i hate this.

what can i do to make myself feel better? everytime i think of it, i feel like crying. i don't want to cry anymore, i'll hold the tears back. i'll be strong cause i don't want to be weak anymore. i wnt to stop all these crap, let go of all the memories, but i can't. i just want things to be back when they were in sec one. where everything was just fine. where i could just laugh with her, when we were something like best friends. when nothing had hurt me so bad, when no nightmares came to me when i slept. it's really like a life nightmare that i'm going through, and i hope i wake up quick, cause i am just so scared. i really am. what am i supposed to do ):

i just want to smile and mean it, like how i used to.