Wednesday, July 12, 2006 @7:46 PM

and blood test results came back. the irritating thing is there's nothing wrong. and that's what makes me and mum more worried, cause if there's nothing wrong, then why is it like that. oh well!

i need to rant (: so don't take it much to heart, it's just all rantings.

if you bloody hell cared, you'd at least talk to me about it. you just left me here to guess for myself what's damn it on your mind. and maybe you don't see it, but i tried damn hard, to cheer you up when you were sad, when you were down. i told you that i was proud of you, and i didn't get a word of thanks. i mean, i shouldn't expect gratefullness, but damn it, you didn't even give me face, you didn't even try to sound happier. you have no idea, how much courage i took to say all those words, to tell you how i felt, to encourage you. how damn bloody much courage it took. and you don't even seem to know. and if you really feel like what you tell me you're feeling, you'd not be doing this now. you won't be leaving me here in mid air, trying to figure it out for myself. you won't be doing this. what are you trying to say? you're still lying to me at this very point in time? all i ever wanted, was the very sincere fucking sorry. and it just never came out of your mouth. is it that hard? after all you did? is sorry too much to ask for! and all these times, i hinted to you, that all i needed was a sorry, that if you needed to talk it out call me, but never once did you call me. and do you know, everytime the phone rings, my heart races, i hope it's you, cause i need to talk it out, i always hope that you are in the mood to talk it out. but it's never you. never. do you know how it feels? i guess you don't. you know, i wanna join ushering, for then i guess i'll know more people in church, then i won't have to stick to you. and then maybe, it'll be easier for me to move on, to move out of this stupid crap. i hate this. how can you just leave it like that! why won't you talk it out with me. cause you know, i don't even know what you're damn it really feeling. how would you like it, if i never told you how i felt. how would you like that. and so much for, tell me how you're feeling, no matter how terrible it is. come on, if you could tell that to me, now i'm saying it straight to your face, tell me how you're feeling. i'm not angry that you don't care about me anymore, i'm angry at how you're leaving me here to dangle. it's super sufficating. however you spell that. and all i want, is for you to tell me how you're feeling now. and if you're gonna leave, at least tell me, then i wouldn't be here hoping like a stupid idiot. don't you get it. that's all i'm asking for. cause it sucks to hang in mid air. SUCKS

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CHARIS;

life ain't always about receiving, it's more about giving.

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prayers since 280606

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