Saturday, July 15, 2006 @10:07 PM

i seriuosly am lost.

i have to take your point of view into consideration. i have to consider your feelings. but yet, when i do so, it makes me confused. yes i agree that talk we had was needed, but to be perfectly truthful, it didn't sort out any of my questions, nor did it make me feel any better. yes, i know how sorry you are, and i know how bad you feel. but like i said long ago, i am no longer angry. and when you said the reason for wanting to patch was to make it up to me, i felt like laughing out loud. not to say it's wrong, but seriously, look at this thing we're in. and if it's just to make it up, to repair your mistake, then what's the point. so many things i wanted to say, but i didn't cause i saw how scared you were by the expression on your face, but seriously, now i feel so much and i don't know what to say, where to start. maybe i should just stop feeling for this anymore, cause seriously, it's not getting me anywhere. it hurts me to see you this sad, but i don't wanna make you sadder by telling you a lie, that i love you. what a lie that'll be. cause truthfully, i don't even know what love is now. would you rather me lie to you? even if you would rather live a lie, i don't wanna let you live that, cause it sucks when you realise that it's all a lie. it's not a good feeling. now the problem, is not that i'm angry, is not that i feel hurt, it's not that i want you to be oh so sorry anymore, the problem is that i don't know what love is anymore. and if you could maybe ask yourself what love is to you, and you can answer yourself, then maybe you know what love is. but seriously, i doubt anyone our age knows what love is. they say, to love is to give. but there's nothing i got to give, don't you understand. and the thing is, i don't want to give. i can always be there to support you, but as a friend. it hurt me to see you with cheryl today, but i guess that's a hard fact i have to accept. it hurt me to see you sit with her, away from us today, but i guess it's something i have to live with. i just started to cry when i saw you, and i don't even wanna. you know how much hurt it's making me feel? it's not you, but it's the very fact that love our age will not last. and you and i are sure of it, so why keep lying to ourselves. i needed that hug and so did you, but that's all i can give. one last hug.

it's not easy to come to such a hard decision, but seriously, i don't want to lie to you or myself. i'm sorry

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CHARIS;

life ain't always about receiving, it's more about giving.

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