Now I wonder, what is real, what is not? What do I believe in, what have I lost faith in? Just what is real and what is not?

The love we all talk about everyday of our lives, the hope we all talk about everyday of our lives, is it just all a façade? All just a show? We claim and profess that there is love in this world of ours, but why can’t I feel it? Why can't I feel the love? The love you guys talk about, is it real or is it something we all have believed in, without knowing if it even exists? I do not know, am I that stupid that even such a simple thing, I do not have an answer? Now, I don't even dare to cry anymore, afraid that people would see the weak side in me, take advantage of it, and manipulate me. Maybe I deserve it, for placing so much of my hope, all of my hope in love. But now, I just am wondering, what is love? I just really want to know what love is. I used to get my hope from love, and now that I lost my love, where am I to get my hope from. It is hard to live life without hope, it is difficult. I do not know what to do, how to live life now, for I have lost my hope. I just would like to know how to get my smile back. Just tell me how, cause it is too painful to live a life as such, without no smiles, no laughter. Someone pull me out of this deep pit of misery, for I have fallen too deep and I have no more strength to pull myself up. Someone, pull me out of here.

Now I understand the meaning of helplessness. And if I could I would really want to take away all the hurt in people, take away all the pain and sorrow people feel in their hearts. Lost of loved ones, feelings of disappointment, all of them, how I wish I could take them away. That everything would be just on me, that everyone else could be happy. For now I know how painful it is, and I do not want anyone to go through this ever again. I do not want them to have such an experience, for it is not something I want them to have. I want them to have a smile on their face, hum a song in their step. Smile and show me their teeth, and it will all be worth it.

I guess this is why I love kids so much. For I know the happiness they have in them. The simple pleasures they have. It may be just a simple sweet, or just by carrying them and lifting them high up in the sky. Listening to their laughter, I feel so free, like as if nothing in this world matters anymore. For I know, when they laugh they mean it, there is no façade, not mask they have to wear. Simple ways to hear them laugh, I am willing to do those things. It is such a rare wonder to hear laughter from the heart now a days, that I have now learnt to treasure this music. Those kids who have been across the path of my life, they have taught me a great deal. But the most important thing they have taught me is how to be satisfied with what I have, to be happy with what I have. And those things I cannot have, try to reach for it, but if I cannot reach it, let it go. They taught me this, young as they may be, they see the world in such a better way than we do. So much to learn from them, so much I have to gain from being with them. Their laughter, is my only joy, my only reason to still believe.

And now, who can we really confide in? Who can really understand us in our times of need? Who would tell us all they have in mind without worrying what the other party would really feel? Who would really listen without judging? Ironic as it may sound, the closer I am to someone, the less I would want to tell the person about my troubles. not trying to sound heroic, but I do not want those close to me to know my hurts, for I do not want them to be upset by it too. Ironic as it may seem, I would rather share with a stranger, for I know that he would not be bothered by it cause after all I am no one to him. Ironic, it is. I want you to be perfectly truthful with me, to tell me what you really feel, cause I won’t be here to judge you, I will be here to go through it with you. together, forever. I know today has been a damn fucked up day for you. and it has been for me too. I do not know what to say, to make you feel better, cause frankly speaking, I think both of us are sick and tired of this world now, we are just so bloody tired. I guess that is why together forever. Cause we will always be going through the same thing. I just want to tell you that when everything falls, when everything goes wrong, you can hold on to me, you can hope in me. cause I will never let you down. When everything is letting go, when everything is just slipping away, you can trust and believe that I will be clinging onto you. you can believe in that. Believe in me, when there’s nothing more to believe in.

What more is there to say, but this world sucks. I’m fed up with this world. Why is it like that, that when people are trying so hard, that we have to fall so hard. why is it then when we believe, it always turns out to be the wrong thing we believe in. why is it that when I try so hard to be happy, I cannot. And why is it then when I know she tries so hard, I cannot help her. I want to get us through this, but I myself am so freaking tired. But for you, my dear friend, I will hold on for you held on for me too. We will get through this together, trust me. and if we fall we fall together. I do not care, cause when I said together forever, I meant it. we either get out of it together, if not we stay in it together. We will either fall deeper into this together, or we will crawl out of this holding hands together. I do not care, whatever it is, I am going to stick with you, through thick and thin. Believe in me, cause I believe in you too.