okay. for today i have learnt alot. on the basic person you have become. you were never like that, why the sudden change. it's like, the person you were with the person you are now, i can't seem to pick out something which is the same anymore. i was thinking in class what i loved about you before, and now, i can't seem to find those qualities in you anymore. if that's the case, then why am i holding on? why. and if that's the case, that you've changed into somthing so different, why am i still hoping that things would be okay, when they obviously aren't anymore. it's ironical, don't you think so? we're both holding onto something that we both know has gone, that we both know we can't find back again. what are we doing? just what are we trying to do? and now, i'm seriously wondering what i'm wondering about, because it just seems so obvious to me, what my answer should be. but i'm still wondering, about what? i damn it, don't know what. it sucks. maybe if you knew how much time i spend thinking, how much time i spent trying to find a good reason why you did that, what could make you a good reason to do that, but i can't find one. i try to think maybe that day you were down, needed some way to vent it out, maybe you just needed some form of love, but it all can't be the case. and it's tiring to keep trying to think of something, over and over again and not be able to find the answer. how fastrating it is. i can no longer take it anymore. it's tiring. and when i ask you why you did it, all you do is avoid my question. you know irritating it is to be left with no answer? i try so hard to help you understand why i'm acting this way, why i say some things, why i do some things. but you leave me hanging like that, with no answers at all to my quesetions. am i supposed to guess? cause if i guess, i think it'll turn out all wrong. and if it turns out wrong, then what's the point of me guessing? i guess you won't understand, but sometimes i really wish you did.

you know i wanted to give it a chance, cause i know i still do feel. but yet, what you're doing, it's like nothing matter except the fact that we patch. and it's like.. what do i say? i'm speechless, cause to me, that's all you seem to care about. would you care about me? or my feelings? can you stop caring with the fact that we'd patch or not, cause that's not the point to me. maybe it is to you, but to me, it's not. i just want an explaination, is that too much to ask for?

maybe that's why when me and you relates to me so much. cause it really says how i feel. i'm standing here, but all i want is to be there with you. i shouldn't have believed you were my miracle, cause now i have to pretend that i don't care but i do. i really thought you were a dream come true, my real life fairytale. but everyone else, told me you weren't. told me you weren't true. i thought i knew the songs you sang, your life. and then you smile and brought me in your arms like as if you wanted me to be a part of your life. and then you suddenly changed and kicked me out of your life. and so now i'm left with memories that were nothing but once upon a time. so now it's so hard for me to believe in miracles, in real life fairytales. i guess they were right, i was so caught up in the happy moments that i got so blinded. you went up so high, and even when i fell, you just let me. but it didn't seem to matter cause i like the view of me and you. but now i see the difference between a dream and reality. now i see the harsh reality.

bianca and cheryl, it's really comforting to know that i have dear friends like you guys. sometimes when i just feel like giving up on everything, you seem to understand everything. and when things are so hopless you guys are the ones who give me the hope. maybe you guys don't know it, but i really am grateful for friends like you. from the bottom of my heart, i thank god for giving me such friends. many things we've been through together, the bad and the good. but you guys have never failed to support me, backon me up. i know sometimes it gets frastrating cause i am sometimes too stupid to understand some things, but i wanna thank you guys for not giving up on me. for not giving up on helping me. i know how tiring it is sometimes, and how exasperating it is, and so i wanna thank you guys. for without you guys, i don't know where i'd be. really. through the good times and the bad, i promise, i'm gonna be there for you guys like how you're here for me now. always, i'll be here. just come to me (:

and i know i still love you. though i may not know what love is, i know i love you. it's too strong a feeling to be care or infactuation. and as much as i wanna patch, i know it's wrong. maybe i'm being selfish, i don't wanna be hurt. i should follow my heart, but where is my heart telling me to go? it's really such a feeling or being torn apart. when will you understand this fact, that i love you?