to you.

you know, let's end it right here, right now. i don't care if you see this anot, but to me, it's over. i can't take this anymore. i don't want to take this anymore. i guess everyone was right, everyone was right about you. that you can't be trusted, that you are nothing but words. why was i so stupid to trust you, to love you. maybe i don't know the meaning of love, maybe i don't. but to you, just what is love? i shall make this clear to you, so get it into your head, love's not about physical. damn it, it's not. i was stunned, when you did that. i didn't know what to do. what on earth were you thinking when you did that? did you think of my feelings? isn't love, putting the other before one self? you obviously didn't think of mine. and to perfectly truthful with you, i hate myself for loving you. cause you make me feel like a complete idiot now. i think i was blind or something. i despise you. you can't even hold up to that little bit of pressure that your cell group members give you. you changed every single thing, like as if i'm nothing but a friend to you when your cell members gave you pressure. then how about me? if i had did that, then i would have given up even before the first month. i didn't know you were the kind who gave in so easily. it's like, be a man. why change from attached to single? why ask me to stop writing testimonials to you? ARE YOU THAT FREAKING SCARED?! you were the one who said nothing's wrong with us being together, and that i meant more than anythng in the world. you were the one who said you'd do anything to make me happy until i can't be happier. you were the one who said that no matter what you'll be there to support me. and what were all those?! lies?! well, to me it seems that way. if i meant more than anything, you wouldn't have lied to your cell members, to your friends. if you would have done anything to make me happier, why do you still fight? why did you smoke? why do you flirt around like as if i'm non-existant even when i'm around you? why do you tell me that you'll call back in 5 mins, and never call back till two days later? why! answer me. if you would support me, why was it that when my friends turned their back on me cause of you, you didn't even bother to listen, saying, "no lah, i'm sure it's not like that." come on, don't lie to me straight in the face anymore, cause it hurts. if you loved me, you wouldn't have did that. you wouldn't. i said no, so respect it. i cried, why didn't you stop. i held onto your hands, i wanted you to stop, but you just pushed my hands away. why did you become like that. you were the perfect person in my mind although i knew you were so imperfect. but that was it. i guess i was wrong after all. maybe i should have just listened to them, i shouldn't have believed that you were different. maybe if i had did that, nothing would have happened. and now i ponder on your every word. why was i so happy when you called everyday, cause you call every single girl everyday. why was i so sure i was the only one, cause for all i know, you could have easily had another without me knowing. why did i believe you when you said you stopped smoking, cause when i ask people, no one can say that you've stopped smoking, all they say is i don't know. why did i believe you when you said you'd stop fighting, cause you fought again. why was i so touched when you sang a song for me, cause you sing for everyone. why was i so touched when you wiped away my tears, cause maybe it was malcolm that asked you to. why did i believe you?! why was i so stupid. when i said i love you, no matter what happens, i meant it. but i have to break my promise now. cause of this i can't keep my promise. there's no way i can. i've tried, one week after it happened, but no i can't. i just can't help but hate you. i'm sorry. it wouldn't have worked out anyway. i hate you. and thank you for leaving such a impact on my life, negatively. thank you so much, for making me doubt love, i really needed that. thanks alot ah. but still i hate you.