today was sort of a meaningful day for me. i guess it set me thinking about lots of things, things that i would never have thought of if not for today.

why am i becoming so close to you again. i don't understand myself. after all that we've been through, the past, why am i telling you things that i don't even tell my good friends? why am i letting myself become another victim of your hua xin-ness. what exactly am i doing. if you hadn't kept asking me if she was with me, maybe i wouldn't have thought about it. what was your purpose in adding her on msn? just what was your purpose? to make new friends? or for something even more? i don't know. i don't want to be so close to you anymore, i don't want to tell you things which are not meant for just friends to know, i don't want us to be anything else but friends. maybe i'm thinking too much, but i just don't want to be so close to someone again, that he is able to hurt me. i don't want to.

i'm glad you actually asked, cause i wanted to tell you, but i didn't know how to. thank you dear, for caring. but there's something i left out, it was more than one layer. if you get what i mean, if you don't then i'll tell you some other day (: thank you darling, for i know, that you care.

when i sat on that ride, i guess i just felt the physical thing of what i'm emotionally feeling. i wanna move, i wanna step out of this, but cause of circumstances, cause of my own fears, cause i'm scared, i can't. i guess that's just how i felt. and when i sat on the ride, i just felt like crying. but i didn't (: cause i'm a strong woman (:

i just wish you'd stop rolling your eyes at me. god, i pray they don't drop out someday. keep them inside, for i don't want her to go blind.

i just wanted to go to church, find god again. face my fear. face him. and you wouldn't let me. i just feel like crying. i don't even have the chance to face my fear when i want to. i just want to tell him all that i feel. i just want to find god, cause it's been so long. and you wouldn't let me. i just really feel like letting go, of everything, but yet i don't wanna. i hate this.

what can i do to make myself feel better? everytime i think of it, i feel like crying. i don't want to cry anymore, i'll hold the tears back. i'll be strong cause i don't want to be weak anymore. i wnt to stop all these crap, let go of all the memories, but i can't. i just want things to be back when they were in sec one. where everything was just fine. where i could just laugh with her, when we were something like best friends. when nothing had hurt me so bad, when no nightmares came to me when i slept. it's really like a life nightmare that i'm going through, and i hope i wake up quick, cause i am just so scared. i really am. what am i supposed to do ):

i just want to smile and mean it, like how i used to.