i don't really know what this post is for, but well here it goes (:

it's not fun to run away from a problem. it isn't. and to the other party who's left there, i think it's not easy too. but you know, i've come to realise, that the person who runs away from it, has their reasons. i couldn't take the pain anymore, not one after another, that's why i chose to run away from it. so i don't have to face it. i don't know why others run away from it, but that's just my personal opinion. when like, you just know that you won't be able to take it if you let it go on. the mental pressure, the emotional torture. when i know i can't take it, when i know i can't handle it, when i know it won't work anyway, i'll run away. i know this will hurt the other party, but i think that well, it wasn't going anywhere. only hurting myself and the other party more. and if the other party needed time, i'll give the other party time to get over this. cause seriously, truthfully i don't want to be in this either. i run away, but i don't feel good. but i guess, that's when time heals the pain.

i don't know, just something random lah huh (: nothing much.

ups and downs, disapointments and sucess, laughter and tears, fake smiles and mascarade, love and hurt, hope and broken trust, frienship and relationships, i think they're all just a part of life, like it or not. and sometimes i hate this fact, but i guess i have to accept it.

i realised, i can tell almost anyone, what's happening, what's going on, my problems, etc. but i've never once been open about how i feel, how i really feel. what's in my mind, what's in my heart, it's never said. cause sometimes, i guess it's a fear, that no one would understand. that no one would relate to. that sometimes it gets from a small matter into a real big one, and things like that. i always thought i was a open person, until i realised, that i never once told anyone how i really felt about anything. never once, i guess. i guess maybe that's why the emotions build, and when you want to find someone to talk to, you just don't know where to start. and it just keeps going and going.

being a friend, i've learnt. is not to be always praising the person, but always being there. it's not about always agreeing with the person, but always supporting the person in whatever he or she may want to do. it's not about telling lies, and telling her that she can do it, but telling her heartfelt encouragment. it's not about saying "friends forever", but it's about appreciating her, for every single thing she does. it's not about the presents or the gifts, but the everyday msn talk, or the everyday squabbel over small things that will pass in a day. it's things which can't be mreasured, like demanding a fried rice with an egg for a birthday present. things like that, make friendship so valuable. things that will leave a memory in your heart, that will make you remember the person for who she/he is for the rest of your life. friendship, is never giving up on the other, always supporting, always encouraging, always being there when she needs you, always lending a listening ear with no judgement. i guess to me, that's what a friend is.

sometimes, you wait and wait for that reply when you send for a call of help. do you know i was really desperate? i really had no one to go to, i really needed you so much. i needed someone who'd i thought would understand. i needed someone who knew me inside out. i needed someone whom i thought could empathize. someone whom i thought would understand even if she's never been through it before. someone whom could still tell me that i was doing the right thing. but i guess it isn't your fault, no it isn't.

i think i'm getting emotional, i'm sorry. but i just can't take it.

i had a dream last night. one about two people, hur, one was someone who meant so much, and then there was this someone with __. and she spat on my face. i guess that dream, i don't know the meaning, truthfully, but it hurts. stupid dreams, sometimes they really affect my day. second dream i had after waking up from that one, i dreamt that i was sitting for eoys, but in primary sch. i don't know why. with nat. and i didn't know how to do a thing. then we cheated, me and nat. and we got caught, sent to detention, to retake, with all those who cheated. and the paper was differnt, it was physics, all darn physics. pages after pages of physics. and i was in my mind thinking,"if cheryl had this paper i think she would be so darn happy". i was thinking that in my dream. and i looked at the paper, i didn't know how to do a single thing. everyone seemed to know how to do it, everyone had seemed to finish the paper, except me. i was still stuck at the first question. i was so scared, really. in my dream. i woke up in tears. will that really happen? i don't know

sometimes, i really wish i could look into that crystal ball, to see what life would be like for me in future. so then maybe i'd know, what will be worth doing and what not worth doing. i'm really looking forward to sunday, to hear being called charis jiejie, and i hope it'd work like any other time, take all these doubts away. take all these "sorrow" away. i don't know, i just hope so.

nothing makes me more happy than to receive a hug from those kids, or to hear them say jiejie, i need to go toilet, go with me? nothing makes me more happy. cause they appreciate me. the cling onto me. they love me for me. no need for pretence. maybe you wouldn't understand, but that's just how i feel.

now, i'm just a little confused, a little emotional. but by tomorrow i'll be fine