& I think I've been holding it all in for too long. And I just can't keep it in anymore. Cause if this continues on, I think I'm just going to explode, and no one will even know why.

And most people who I talk to, who I call, who I hang out with, should know that I'm not alright. Fact that I tend to end up staring into blank space sometimes, fact that tears tend to come about with no rhyme or reason etc. and fact is, only two people asked, are you alright? Are you okay? And thank you Cheryl and Irwin. And sometimes even when they ask, I don't even know what to say. Maybe not that I don't know what to say, maybe it's cause, I, myself don't even know why I'm upset. And what I figured pretty long ago, it aine't pms, it aine't mood swings. There is a reason, just that I can't find that reason. And up to now, I think I've found it, yet I'm not sure if it's the reason. And I'm just dying, cause I'm beginning to realize, I don't even know myself anymore.

I can't seem to share my problems anymore, with anyone. In the past, I could just tell it to anyone whom I felt close to. Whom I felt cared. But now, I don't know. I feel like my problem's so small. My problem is not worth others time. My problem is not problematic enough to trouble another person, make her/him listen to me, or make him/her upset just cause of my small problem. And it's hard, to feel this way. I know it isn't the way I think it is, people are willing to be there for me, people are there for me, people care, people love, but fact is, I just feel this way. and when your problem affects you, but you think it's too small for anyone else to care, it somehow, gets worse. And I tried to tell others about it, but everytime I try, the letter either lends up in the rubbish bin, or the email replied is so vague. And I can't take it. I want to tell others, I WANT TO, but the words just won't come out. Or rather, I don't know how to phrase it. I don't know how to make my words express how I feel.

I guess it isn't the problems that are making me feel down, but this thing, that I can't tell others about it that's making me upset. My main problem, I guess, is not being able to talk about it.

I feel like, this world is kind of dumb. Yes, I agree, I can't say life's hard, cause I mean, what can I compare this life to? There's nothing for a comparison. But, sigh. I'm stuck again. well, okay fact is yesterday I was not exactly in a good mood after I came home, cause everything went against me. I tripped on the steps, I knocked my head, everything. And I was in "one of my not so hyper days", and I realized, people just tend to shun you. I mean, okay, I know, cheryl's told me all about it before, but truth is, I never really believed it. but now, I guess when the truth's right before your eyes, you can't possibly deny it. and maybe it's not the shunning that affected me the most, but the fact that, people will always ask, are you alright? And then when you said, no, they just say "haiyah, cheer up lah"and that's it, end of conversation. They don't even ask why you're sad, or what's troubling you. they don't tell you that they're in it with you, they don't tell you if you need them, they're there. No, none of these comforting words. They just cut you off, asking you to cheer up, like hell, if it was that easy, I think no one in the world would be sad. And then there are others who ask why you're sad, but are they listening to what you say? Or are they busy on the other side? Frankly speaking, it's quite obvious that you aren't listening, cause sometimes I've already said the point you mentioned, and it goes to show, you aren't listening at all.

Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I still think that there's love in this world, which till now, I still believe in. but, is this all the world has to offer? Some pretence care, some pretence concern? And nothing more? Is there not a single person who will truly listen? Is there not a single person who will truly be there? Maybe I'm being pessimistic, but don't blame me for being so. Cause I've tried to look on the bright side, but it's disappointing time after time, that the hope you once had, will tend to diminish. I guess, it's true, you do unto others what you want others to do unto you. and it's like, even if it were fake words, even if you didn't mean it, I'd like to hear you say "I'm here for you", "I love you", "you're strong, you're gna tide through it", and things like that, that I say to others. I mean, I'm human too, I need those words. Pardon me for sounding so direct, for sounding so desperate, but thing is I'm desperate already. I can't take it anymore, not having recognition, not having comfort, when I need them.

And what more is there to say when things have come to such a stage?

And I was talking to a P6 guy yesterday, a good friend of mine, who was always there for me, when I was in primary school. Never failed to make me laugh on the way home in the bus. He was a mere P4 when I was P6, but he seemed to understand, and he was mature beyond his age. Maybe it's cause his mother passed away earlier, or maybe he's just mature. I don't know, but I was always impressed by him. But yesterday, he was asking me, about love, about this whole bgr thing. And I just told him what I felt, and he told me"wah lao, that's what I told you in P3 right."And I was stunned. When did he become so rude? When did he become so high and mighty? What happened to the guy who I nominated for prefatory board? Why had he given me that I-told-you-so tone?

And then I realized, no one stays the same forever. And that was a sort of painful hurting truth. And no one stays nice forever, no one will always be nice to you. there will be people who can never ever bring themselves to love you, and the hate in some people against you, will never fade. I think primary school for me was nothing more than a disaster. I was immature, I thought I knew everything, but truth is, I hurt so many people. And in the end, they came around and hurt me back. I'm not complaining, cause I deserved it, I think I still do. And maybe it's primary life, that made me like that, frankly speaking, I don't know either. Primary school, is something I love so much, for it's simplicity, for it's innocence, but at the same time, I hate it so much. Cause I know, I've hurt so many people there, and so many people there have hurt me too. So what is this? Mixed feelings?

There's so much more on my mind, but what is it? I can't seem to figure it out.

I remember, someone (: once told me, that smiling, laughing, was the way she hid all the pain, was the way to pretend she was fine and happy. And she told me, that it's her way, don't tell her to stop doing it, cause it was helping her. And I guess, I didn't tell her it was wrong anymore. cause I came to understand, that that's her way, and although it may not be the most ideal way, but it was a way she had found to be most effective. And if it wasn't going to really harm her, I should ask her not to do it. Cause it's her method. I don't know what's this paragraph for, but I guess, there are things in life, which I can't interfere in, no matter how much I want to. And I have to let go, and just watch from a far, to make sure you don't fall, to make sure you're alright.

I know there are many who's lives are in much worse a condition than mine. But don't get me wrong; I'm not saying that my life is so much worse than theirs. I guess nothing's all wrong, there has been things that has made me glad.

OMG I'M DAMN HAPPY :D

i bought my atm machine! nana bought it too :D man, i'm in love with it lah! and for now, i officially saved $30! i'm so proud of myself! first time i'm saving in a thousand and one years (: i love my atm! cheryl, faster get yours!

i realised i can't go for chalet ): cause i'm going korea at that time ): sadness!

man, today was a fun day :D in fact, a sick day. lala, shan't elaborate (:
sausages! LALALA.
shop? LALALA.
ahhahahhaah. SICK LAHHHH!

i was so excited, that i shared with you. but you thought it was a waste of money. i only told 2 people, cause i was happy, and you were one of them, and. sigh. nvm

& i don't wna leave;
but i know i have to.

210 06':
you know, i think i feel like crying again. it's not cause i'm upset that i'll not have you guys as friends anymore, but cause i won't get a class like this anymore. friends, we'll stay friends forever. but where can i find, a class, like ours? sometimes, although it's our class habits that get us into hell a lot of trouble, but yet, those are the times, that we stick by each other, wipe away each others tears when we get scolded. and it's times like these, where we become closer, than ever before. i'll miss two ten, for all the things that you guys say, like zhenping, her crappy stories in class that keep me awake. and i'll miss you guys for everything you do, like rouying, always vandalizing my table, and i'll get so pissed. things like that.
i think we've grown much much closer after the exams. all of us. we realised how little time we have left, didn't we? and it's times like this, that make us close one eye, cause we don't wna spoil the last few days. but why can't we be more tolerant right from the start? why leave it till the end to be nice? i don't know, but whatever it is, i'm glad we grew closer.
i think most of the time, the support i have, comes from two ten. from the people, in the class. when we cried when han scolded us, mabel told me at night, not to cry. i mean, simple things like this, mean the world to me. and it's things like this, that make me smile again. when i'm feeling down, and i step into class, and hear jas and cher say morning charis, i think it makes it all so much better. serious. where am i to find people like that! who make my days, so bleak, yet, never failing to brighten it up so much more again?
i think we are a strong class, to have so much scoldings and discriminations, but still able to stand up, and fight for our rights. i think sun lao is right, we are confident of ourselves, we do something, and we are sure we'd win. and i guess, that's what makes us two ten. our personalities. our ever so different personalities. from rouying, the smart ass, talketive, lively person, to well, emma, quiet IN CLASS, and well, yeah. i think i can't say that we're all the same, cause we're all in fact, very different, but one thing stays the same, you all are part of two ten, part of our two ten, and that makes you, a part of me, forever and ever.
what qian said is true, we shouldn't walk away crying, but smiling. and i shall add, this is just the beginning, it isn't the end. we still have more years, and even more years to build on our friendships. this is not the end, but the beginning.
i love you two ten. always and forever.

i've been happy yet so sad these few days.
i love you guys loads, two ten ):

sigh, why is it all like that. that i don't even know what is happening. i've cried, more than i think i should ):

and you know why i love my cell? it's cause, they always do things that touch my heart.

cake with toothpaste on top, nah i won't forget it ever (: and for the songs joan sent back to me, those i sent her, it hit me hard. how to trust and to never forget. i'm touched, cause i never told anyone in church when my birthday was. and it's amazing how they remember (: for all the surprises, i'm touched.

long time since i've got on my knees. and i think i'm drifting away. i don't know.
thanks joan and shawn, for making my saturday, a saturday i will never forget.

i hope your grandma's alright. frankly speaking, i cried cause i was getting worried. i didn't want her to go. weird, cause i don't even know her. but i really am worried. i hope she gets better. sigh. don't want you to have the regrets i do. oh well.

i don't know what's wrong with me these days ):

Maybe what cher said is right. We all need time. We tend to always protect ourselves. But it takes time to reflect and finally come to terms that we ourselves are wrong. I think I feel bad, for always assuming. And I don’t feel like saying that they are also at fault anymore. I feel bad. she’s done a lot for us. And frankly speaking, I think we just don’t acknowledge that. And as much as we say we try, I think she’s been trying very hard too. And as much as we feel discouraged, I think we haven’t given her much encouragement either. I think we’re more guilty than she. Cause frankly speaking, we say we try, but we still roll our eyes, we still talk back. Is that called trying? I don’t know, but I feel like as if I haven’t cared for her as a teacher at all. So what right do I have, to want her to care for me. it just doesn’t work that way. how can you ask for something you don’t give? I don’t know. That’s how I feel.
Although I can say we were never close. But I feel most at ease with you. I don’t know. Maybe you have a lot inside, that you have never let out. And today when you cried, it just made me cry. And although I know you’re always cheerful and smiling, but I think sometimes we go overboard when we are having fun, and you’re the stake of that fun. I think you’re special, and I’m sorry for bullying you. I know I have never talked to you on a personal basis, but I wna say I love you. you’re a beautiful person.
I think we’ve grown closer. Unknowingly. We’ve learned how to stand up for each other, to be there for each other. We’ve all learned. We’ve all stopped bitching, we’ve all stopped gossiping. We’ve learned to treasure, because we have so little time left. Although he said that US splitting next year will be a good thing, you know something? I think we’ll never split. Or at least, I don’t want us to. Cause I do treasure. I’ve learnt to let down my guard with you guys, be my childish self. I mean, at least I know now, and I feel that I’m accepted this way. I don’t have to put on something I’m not. And I’ve learnt, to be myself with you guys. And it’s made me feel closer, and more loved. And I think, I love you guys loads.

To my birthday girl (:
Tomorrow’s your birthday darling (: and I know we’ve had our ups and downs, our bitchy fights and quarrels. Our cold wars and everything. But you know, I think you’ve helped me a lot. I don’t know, but you are strong. I know you are. You know, knowing you, is a blessing, that I seriously thank god for. For someone who shows me, how to not give in, to circumstance, no matter how hard. you showed me, how to stand strong. You know that? And then when I meet some circumstance, I think of you, and what you’re going through, I think it’s so much more. And I can’t help, but force myself to stand right back up again. you’re a blessing, cause remember, when we were close, I felt like so at ease. Really. Although I know, now it’s hard to build back that amount of trust, but I really think that it’s getting better everyday. And you know, I keep every letter you wrote for me, and sometimes I read through them. And I am so grateful, when I was down, you were there, to tell me that you understood how I felt. (: I love you Bianca loh (: you were born, to be a blessing. Maybe others will tell you otherwise, but then you can tell them straight to their face, “CHARIS LEONG THINKS I’M A BLESSING (: so shut up and get lost” cause I think you’ve been a blessing to my life. happy birthday. Keep shining.

I guess we all felt a lot today, and to see so many people to cry, I feel overwhelmed. But tomorrow will be a better day (:
Thank you for all those who remembered my birthday today (: for all the well wishes (: eh, Irwin, jolynn, yen jin, iris, cherie, jas, Bianca, Cheryl, nana, ken, seng chiy -.-, jerrold, jenzi, bee hiang, yuan yi, Claudia, xinyu, chinsian, mabel, Eugene, zi hui, michelle, and everybody lah (: thank you (: it made my day :D
I don’t need big presents, but I think the simplest thing today, that made me happy, was walking into class, and hearing iris siow say, happy birthday charis (: thank you iris. And it’s not big nice classy cakes that make me happy. But like the simple one I brought, and not having a knife. And lighting candles and blowing them out and then relighting and then blowing again and all over again. and playing with the cake. It made my day (:
Thank you, to everyone, cause it’s been a great day today (:

and what were you trying to imply? And you, I totally don’t know what’s wrong with you, but you totally didn’t make my day, and I thought you would. It’s not like as if I don’t wna go out with you. oh well. I guess impressions are hard to change

love me for a reason,
&let the reason be love.

okay, i'm getting annoyed. i typed this post, three times, and i keep pressing the close botton. and tada, everything's gone. -.- okay, one last time!

i'm so glad it's solved. i'm so glad we're fine now. cause i can't stand it when there's that cold war. when i have so much to say, and i can't share it with you. i hate it, when i want to tell you something, and yet i can't. cause you're the person i share the most with. cause you're the person i trust the most. and although we only had that cold war for a day, i think it's enough to kill me. i never want to have anything like that with you ever again. it's such a sigh of relief, to hear you call me what you always call me, and it's such a relief, to be able to talk to you again. i've learnt, you mean a lot to me. never shall we quarrel again.

i went to church ytd (: in like a thousand and one years (:
i was a little scared when i got off the car, a little scared of everything. you, how others would see me, and well, i was kinda afraid of facing God too. i felt like i was missing in action, for too long, that everyone was gna judge, and everyone was going to look at me, like how i betrayed my faith. i was afraid. to be truthful. but when i saw joan, there ushering, and she smiled at me, and i felt all so much better. i guess, i should never underestimate the power of a smile. cause joan, you made me feel a whole lot better, a whole lot more accepted (:
and oh wow, i think i was damn "lucky", the first thing i stepped in, i saw you. but i think i am proud of myself :D i didn't look at you, i didn't acknowledge you. i didn't do anything. i just smiled at your friend, and i walked on. i think it's better this way. i don't get affected and you don't think i care. that's the best (: i think it shall be like that from now on :D
i learnt alot, from sermon, from worship ytd. in short (after typing this three times, i'm kinda sick of typing it), i have to surrender it all to Him, i have to Love, everyone. yeps (:

shawn, thanks for the chocs (: they really made me happy (:
shawn, i know the Os are coming, and i know the stress' building. and although i know you're a strong girl, but i know it must be hard. but i'm here to say, i know you can do it (: you're smart man, i have seen how you grasps onto concepts so fast. i have seen how smart and fast you are. so don't worry alright dear (: you can do it. and although i know you don't like calling you "dear", i still shall. cause you've been such a dear friend to me. i know it's hard, and sometimes it feels hopeless when nothing goes in, but you know what joan told me? lols, drink water (: and it helps. it really does. so try it (: and you know something? He's right there, beside you, sitting right there next to you while you study. you may not see him, but he's there. just do your best shawn, and god will do the rest (: i'll take this chance to say, you've been a real great friend. thank you for everything (:
joan, thank you holding my hand yesterday when i cried (: i needed that. someone to reassure me. and i thank you. i know no one's always strong, and i promise I’ll always be here, when you’re weak, or even when you’re strong, to be here for you, like how you were there for me yesterday. Always (: thank you for all your cold jokes, lol, but they still make me smile (: and well, I think you’re a great friend. thank you loads <3

eh laulau; there’s this parachute band thingy, do you wna come? On Saturday, 4th November, 10am-10pm (: some courses thing and then the worship (: wna come? Or anyone :D wna come?

I don’t know, but should I go for camp? But I think we’re going overseas. Sigh, I don’t know.

Today, aunty lisa was talking to us about kindy. And I feel something is missing from the services, or can it even be called a service at kindy? Most of the time, half of the kids are running around like wild monkeys, leaving the other half listening. But is this what it’s supposed to be? And what she said hit me, real hard. am I going there, just to entertain them and myself, or am I going there to expect something? Am I going there to expect to see something happening in all the kids lives or am I going there to just help them pass that two hours?
I feel kind of guilty, cause sometimes, I fail to have patience. I fail to tell them why this is happening. I fail to tell them, that jesus loves them. I fail to take the time to tell them about him, about his love. I fail to show, a living example. And I’m ashamed. I’m gna try harder, I have to. I want them to grow in the lord. Sometimes I look at them, during worship, and I can’t help but feel ashamed. Their child-like faith. How they just trust, and love, and worship him. With no doubt, really no doubt at all. They just stand there, and worship. And I wonder, why, if they know so little, they can trust him. Why can’t I, one who knows so much more, trust him even more? And I’m guilty. But I’m gna change.

Well, I’m overall happy today, cause of yesterday (:

And there’s some things I need to clarify with you.

and till i hear, you forgive me, i think i still worry.

i feel, the same way you do. would you see it that way? but i try not to let it show, i try to be the one who'll reassure you. but it's hard, when truth is, i feel exactly the same way you do, and having to pretend that i'll try harder. when thing is, i don't even know where to start, what to do, cause i'm feeling the exact same way as you. when truth is, i feel like you don't want me around, and you wish i were dead or something. but i guess it doesn't matter, cause i'm nothing more than a subsitute for others, when all the others go away.

sorry for not updating (:
thank you joan and eugene for cheering me up yesterday (: thank you loads.
did i ever mention that joan is so beautiful? inside and out?
&
did i ever mention that eugene is so gorgeous inside and out?

lols, so now you know (: thank you two people (: i would have been crying myself to death last night, if not for you guys. and rah, thank you for all your patience, i must have been a bore. thank you two (:

i'm kinda screwed with my history. hope geog turns out well, but i highly doubt so, cause i stupidly did one question wrongly. so oh well. let's just hope (:

to who you know you are;
move on, stand strong. you're not that weak, i've seen you before. she's not the only one. she's not the only girl alive. i know it aine't easy to forget someone, someone who helped you out of so much. but life has to go on if she doesn't want you around. you know what i mean? i know you say time will do it, but if you keep thinkig that way, time will never come around to do it, cause you never allow it to do it. would you understand what i'm trying to say?

oh well.

and i'm feeling kinda down

i miss it, when you fed me (:

i miss it, when you cut the cake for me (:

i miss it, when i used to pretend to pout, and you'd laugh real hard (:

i miss it, when you smiled at me, when i was always amazed at forks (:

but you know, i miss you more, for who you were, who you made me (: i miss you every day, every min (: i miss you grandpa (:

i miss it, when you clapped to my birthday song (:

i miss it, when you comment on how nice my cake was (:

i miss it, when you smiled like how you're smiling here (:

i miss it, when you helped me to keep the candles burning, sheilding it from the wind.

the rest, i'll upload some other day :D tired already ):

somemore!

i look damn guai lah :D with tie somemore =/ took it in science centre with wee sian they all i think :D i miss everyone in 6/7 o4' ):

lols, letter from miss lim when she left. sorta missing her :D

his mother says i'm nice o.O lols

DINO DP CLUB :D jas is the drawer :D

from joan :D lols, cheered me up alot (: the card inside (:

from chrystal :D from the camp at church this year :D she was under me :D oh i love her loads!

from andrea and nat when i was sick ): lols, they drew it themselves and wrote that poem for me lah (: so uber sweet :D love them, miss them

jayna drew this for me :D i think it's pretty!

natty's letter to me :D on "prom" night in p6 (: oh man, i miss her loads ):

i painted this for myself, when i was p2, i think. lols. i still think it's nice :D cause it's done my me anyway!

lols, my first birthday present this year :D thanks jayna and alisa :D

I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY, TODAY CHERYL HO OWES ME DAMN ALOT!
okay =/, but i shan't use the word damn, just ALOT :D

ahhahah, firstly, CHERYL HO OWES ME HER LIFE :D if not for me aka her saviour :D, she would have been hit down by the taxi :D CHERYL, SAY THANK YOU :D

secondly, I ATE ICE CREAM WITH YOU :D ahhaha, if not no one to eat ice cream with D: lols, and thus cheryl ho, SAY THANK YOU :D

ahhaha. oh man. spastic.

went to watch err, what's the name? erm, john turner must die is it? i don't know >< lols, but it's a nice show :D laughed like mad =/ and then i started to tear, i don't know why. lols. oh welll.

today was a gay day :D but i enjoyed myself :D
BIANCA LOH OWES ME MONEY! MONEY MONEY MONEY! and not to mention she kept kicking my chair! lols. cher was going nuts with the thursday thing -.- and jas -.-'', she was laughing like as if she was from mental hospital. LOLS.

LAST PAPER TODAY.

AND SUN LAO IS PREGNANT! omg, poor child =/

lols, I'M MAD :D

everyone's busy online -.-
then what's the point of me going online! lol.

today went to church. and mugged all the way :D johannes kept staring at me lah -.- i mean, i know i did your brother wrong, sorry lah, don't need to stare until like that what! =/

okay so i couldn't take the starings, and i went up to the roof :D ahhaha (:
stupid joshua chua, know i cannot concentrate with noisy music on, he purposely chose the loud loud kind. thanks a lot ah. better still, face the speakers to me. lol, stupid. oh well. but i could see he couldn't concentrate either, so too bad! lalala, wna make me lose concentration, YOU ALSO COULDN'T CONCENTRATE ANYWAY x)

rah no more chinese tuition ): misses ):

lols, SORRY LAH EUGENE HO (: bu yao sheng qi le hao ma :D

i'm kinda scared of science, but oh well :D

BEE HIANG, STOP WORRYING :D
it's over babeeee (: and you did your best! that's all that matters (:

rahhh (: i don't know what's with the last post =/ lol, seems emo -.- but i'm fine everyone :D yes no worries (: the great charis leong is fine (:

i think that i'm gna mug science real hard :D cause i need the marks man (:

tata, time to mugggg :D
take care everyoneeeeee

i feel a little out of place, a little out of touch.
i feel a little unhappy, i feel a little hurt.
i feel out of this world

):

what hurts the most,
is being so close.
& having so much to say,
& watching you walk away.

is blogger screwed or what =/

ANYWAY (: sorry for not updating ytd (: was not exactly in a very nice mood. lol.
geog made me cry ): i totally misinterpreted a whole question. and considering there's only 2 questions, i think i'm just going to die. and i was hoping this would pull my history up, i guess that won't be the case anymore.
BUT BUT BUT (: irwin lau's letter made me super happy (: went all nuts after reciving it (: and my dad was like "i have to see what's in the letter, must be something! xiao cha bor" lols (: love you letter loads and loads and loads (x

today was math. sigh, i think i'm so dead for eoys. i guess i'll have to mug hard for science. ONE MORE PAPER (: do do do my my my best best best (:

i'll miss two tennn (: mm hmm, I WILL (:

i'm sorry but i have to say something here cause i no more sms, so it's the only way you will read it. oswald, it's not that i told darren not to give you cigrattes, pls get it right. i didn't. and yes, it's true, whether you smoke or not, it's none of my buisness, and when you sent me that sms, i realised, that asking you not to smoke isn't getting anywhere anyway. since you push me away, i'm not going to care anymore. cause frankly, i don't see a point in trying to help someone who doesn't even want to help himself. you're letting yourself get into it, you're not even trying. at least darren tried and though he may have failed countless times, going back to it and all, but he tried, and i could tell. and now he's succedded. but you know, you aren't even trying at all. i tried to encourage darren cause i could see he was trying, but i look at you, and i don't know what to say. you want to get into it, don't you? well, at least that's the impression you give me. and i'm sorry to say that it doesn't bother me anymore if you smoke a not. cause to me, you don't even think it's wrong don't you? you don't mind getting into it, don't you? and if that's the case, when you don't even care about yourself, your own well being, i won't care about you either. it's not nice to not be appreciated, neither is it nice to care and see that the person doesn't even care about himself. so i'm not bothered anymore. go ahead, do whatever you want. just remember, it's your own health, not others.

and wai sheng (: AHHAHAHA, I LOVE YOUR LETTER MAN (: your handwriting looks like someone i used to know (: so i can read it! I CAN YOU KNOW (: i'll reply it asap k (: and thank you for the straw heart (: I THINK IT'S PRETTY (: AND XIAO YI IS NOT STUBBORN! ahaha. sorry for not being able to reply all your sms-es. you must be kinda frastrauted =/ sorry (: i'm saving! i'm saving! a while more! =/ besides, after exams i'll come online (: right (:XIAO YI MISSES YOU TOO <3

irwin said i'm naggy and obstinate ): lol, BUT THERE WERE NICE THINGS (; but i shan't say =/ ahaha, embarassing (x

I'M DYING WITHOUT SMS -.-

I LOVEEEEEEEEEE 7 OF US (:

& i'm singing it to you, singing it to you.

WHITE FLOWER (:

i'm beginning to love white flowers (: they're pretty (:
well, i sorta screwed up chinese today. not that i had no time lor, it's just that i totally had no idea how to do it. so oh well, slept for half an hour during the test :D at least i caught up on my sleep (:

hm, it's funny don't you think. i was talking to you just now, and i havent talked to you liked that in ages, i realised. and it warms my heart. i guess it takes time for trust to build, but it's growing (: i know it. and for the times you don't feel appreciated, i'll aprreciate you (: for you and your retarded emotion that makes me feel retarded, i'll always be grateful for a friend like you (: i know it's tiring! so go and rest my dear piggy (: i'll take over when you need me to. i promise! SO WHAT IF THE WORLD THINKS YOU'RE LES, I'LL STILL SAY, I LOVE YOU BABE!

I don’t know what’s wrong with me today, lol, was kind of hard to smile. But well, I STILL DID (:

English test today. And man, the unseen sucked. I think I can go and fail that part already. Lol. Who cares lah (x but compre, we were given like one hour forty five mins, and I finished in 45 mins, leaving me an hour to slack. Right. Lol, so I started writing a letter. Lols.

I think sometimes before we jump into conclusion that someone is doing this to us, ask ourselves if we’re doing the same back to them. I guess that’s all I have to say to you.

I feel a little weird, lol. I don’t know why. A little uneasy, a little worried. I don’t know why.

Anyway! I brought flowers for 6 of them today (: FLOWER POWER! But why I gave it to you guys, it’s to tell you, see, everyone has their own colour, own personality. But you see, no matter what colour, you’re still going to be beautiful (: jia you for eoys (:

Oh yah (:

Wai sheng wanted a post just for him (: lol, so here it goes (:

He’s my OH SO RETARDED wai sheng (: I’ve got lots of names for him you know! Lol, like lau lau, leong wai sheng, shan jie jie (: ahah, and a lot more lah! Can’t remember it now. He’s matured (: and I’m proud of him (:

AND HE’S NICE, YOU KNOW WHY! He remembers my birthday (: many of you don’t know how much my birthday means this year YES OKAY (: HE REMEMBERS MY BIRTHDAY. Lol, maybe it’s cause, like he said, my constant reminders that make it hard to forget (x

HE’S THE #1 PERSON GIRLS GO TO WHEN THEY NEED TO RANT. Lol, that’s what he says (: but he’s a nice person to rant to =/ ahaha. And that’s what makes him special to me!

Oh oh. And he chokes while eating (x ahaha, so I have to say, don’t choke, eat slowly (: but still, -.- , he chokes. Lol.

Overall, he’s sweet, charming, handsome, caring, thoughtful ETC ETC (:

He’s the best wai sheng I ever had (:

would anyone understand what I’m feeling? Cause frankly, I myself don’t know

Hey there everyone (:
History is OVER. Spell with me, O-V-E-R! I think I sort of screwed it, but oh well. I guess it’s over and I still got geog to help me (: hope I won’t screw my geog as well =/ lalalah, lol.

I was listening to radios in heaven, and I thought of my grandpa (: I love him loads and loads and truckloads. And I cried when I first heard the song you know, cause I miss him so much. Never really told him how much I loved him, never really given a chance to say my last goodbye. I somewhat regret you know, not being able to kiss him for one last time, not being able to say I love you, not being to able to see him smile at me, and say I was his favorite granddaughter all one last time. I regret. I always write stuff about him, in my computer, in my mind. But yet, nothing seems to be able to bring him back alive isn’t it. even my wallpaper is a picture of me and him. I miss you grandpa, and every time I have a problem, I’d think of you. every time I see a person with a big tummy I’d think of you. whenever I hear someone laugh or snore real hard, I’d think of you. whenever I hear someone say they ate good food, I’d think of you, and remember how you loved to criticize other people’s cooking. I remember you for your cooking, for all the Friday nights when I’d stay at your place and you’d cook up lots of my favorite food for me. I’d remember you for the last time you told the nurse I was your favorite granddaughter, which made me cry so bad. I’d remember the times you brought me to the supermarket, and I’d buy my “rubbish”, as you’d call them, and making the bill come up to a hundred plus, sometimes two hundred. And I’d remember you for your hand locked with mine, every time in the car. I’d remember you taking my hand and rubbing it against your moustache and how I’d squeal cause it was ticklish. I’d remember you demanding kisses from me, and how you used? to pay me a buck for one kiss. I’d remember you for all those times grandpa. I really miss you. I really miss you. why’d you have to leave so fast, why couldn’t you wait to watch me grow up. Why didn’t you stay strong when I asked you to. Why did you have to leave me here, with no one to listen to my day, with no one to tell me what to do in difficult situations, with no one to tell me stories, life’s so different now without you. I rushed to the hospital when they called, why didn’t you wait for me. I rushed, I tried my very best, couldn’t you just wait a while longer? I wanted to tell you something so important, couldn’t you just wait for me? and having to see them take out the needles from you, it hurt, why didn’t you wait for me. you know grandpa, I think of you all the time. And I wonder where you are now. You never really told me what you believed in, and now I really wonder where you are. Really wish you’re in heaven, cause I need to tell you the things that I wanted to tell you. I need to. I want to see you again, I want to hug you again. I want to hear you say you love me, for just me. and I want to hear you say nothing is more important than me being happy. I want to hear you call me naughty girl once more. I want to hear you, I want to hug you, I want to kiss you one more time. Why didn’t you wait for me. I love you gong gong, so much. And I miss you, so much. And now I can’t help but cry, facing this computer screen, cause there’s so much I need to say to you. and if you were here now, you’d know exactly what to do. I love you. I LOVE YOU GRANDPA, DO YOU HEAR ME? I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU. why’d you have to leave. I need you, to help me through these years. I miss you, I love you.

I really miss him. )’: treasure the moments you have with your loved ones. Cause who’s to know, they may be gone tomorrow, they may just go. Don’t work on things to please them, cause It’s no use. Spend time with them. Do things with them they love. what’s the point in trying to make them happy with material things, cause that’s what make people happy. It’s time spent with them, talk to them. Tell them about your day. Or just a simple game of Chinese chess. Isn’t that what makes life the best? The time spent together. Then at least, you won’t have regrets like me, cause my studies wasn’t what made him happy, it was when I spent time with him. It wasn’t the food I bought him that made him happy, but It was when I cooked WITH him that made him smile. Would anyone understand? Don’t live to regret, spend time with them, now, before they’re gone and then there’ll be nothing you can do about it.

And I’ll live in the present, for the moment. Not for the future, not for the past. For now, the present, this very moment.

lol, this is something we were crapping in tuition (: on how to handle my feelings, lol, no lah, it's a scrap paper (: and eugene filled it in for me! ON HIS OWN FREE WILL (: lol, so when i'm angry, i can look for eugene ho. when i am sad, i can look for eugene ho. when i am happy, i can look for eugene ho. when i am lonely, i can look for eugene ho. when i am afraid, i can look for eugene ho. the last one he added himself :D EVERYTHING ALSO CAN LOOK FOR EUGENE HO (: lol, so now he has no reason to push me away, cause i have evidence! lol, and jia qian promised too (: man, it's sad to leave this tuition class )':

lol, we all look constipated :D cause the stupid lao shi that was taking for us the photo kept making us laugh lah! that's why x) lol, esp kai wen, me and eugene =/ we look retarded! oh well. at least we were super happy (: and eugene ho, NO NEEED COMMENTS ON MY DRESSING (: lol, not like yours very nice like that! :D
something lao shi wrote for me (: and it's true (: beauty will pass with age, and it's value will never be forever. but wisdom, is something built over time, and it's value never changes. thank you lao shi (: love you to bits and pieces <3>

it's sad, that our class is no more ): but well, we still got next year, i hope everyone finds lao shi for tuition and not stay at han (: i shall do my tributes to tuition class :D

start with my bao bei jia qian (:
you ah, dunman high mugger head! lol, knew you since P6 (: same class in han too right? yeah (: P6 we weren't close, i guess a little. but not that close. and then in sec one, we were like crazy kids lah (: for all those times you made me laugh, for all those times you tried to act pissed, for all those times you shared your sweet with me, for all those times we copied each other's homework, for all those times we shared, laughing, joking, getting angry, making up, i thank you. for you've made my life a better life, for you've made me a happier person with every minute i've shared with you.

my dear dear han yu (:
lol, always call me miss fat. HURMPH YOU LAH. lol, i love you to bits and pieces you know (: you and your bright colored shirts and shoes (x and your drawings on my paper never fail to make me mad, and make me laugh all at the same time. you and your stupid actions, lol. they make laugh. alot alot. and sometimes, YOU GET REAL ANNOYING, with your st nicks stuff and all, but still I LOVE YOU A LOT. cause when i cried, you were there, to be there in your way (: love you loads girl!

my oh so talketive eugene ho pang yi (:
lol, your tribute AGAIN. sigh, don't you get bored of my tributes. lol. anywayy, i'm going to find you in everythng and anything! too bad, you promised, now you can't take it back! lol, you and your wo ai ni wrapping paper, made me laugh so hard lah! (: and well, i guess thank you, for always being someone who made me smile through the rain.

my big head-ed kai wen (:
lol, you sweet guy (: thank you for always putting your head down for me, when oh so short me can't see the board. thank you for never asking me to go sit somewhere else. and thank you for well, being so nice (: lol, well, at least i gave you neck exercise right!

jun jie (:
lol, you and eugene ah, always gang up on me and jia qian one! don't you ever feel bad! lol, well, thank you for err, making tuition so enjoyable (: for always making eugene laugh, which makes me laugh, cause his laughter is funny (: lol, thank you, for indirectly, always making me laugh (:

jia wen and chu quan (:
lol, never really talked to you i guess =/ but thank you for all your answers :D and your never failing smile (: which will ALWAYS brighten up someone's day (:

and nigel and matthew!
lol, what do i say about these two guys -.- well, retarded somtimes, for always being so darn smart. and funny, their actions.

i'll miss you guys loads man ): ESP JIA QIAN, HAN YU AND EUGENE (: