& I think I've been holding it all in for too long. And I just can't keep it in anymore. Cause if this continues on, I think I'm just going to explode, and no one will even know why.

And most people who I talk to, who I call, who I hang out with, should know that I'm not alright. Fact that I tend to end up staring into blank space sometimes, fact that tears tend to come about with no rhyme or reason etc. and fact is, only two people asked, are you alright? Are you okay? And thank you Cheryl and Irwin. And sometimes even when they ask, I don't even know what to say. Maybe not that I don't know what to say, maybe it's cause, I, myself don't even know why I'm upset. And what I figured pretty long ago, it aine't pms, it aine't mood swings. There is a reason, just that I can't find that reason. And up to now, I think I've found it, yet I'm not sure if it's the reason. And I'm just dying, cause I'm beginning to realize, I don't even know myself anymore.

I can't seem to share my problems anymore, with anyone. In the past, I could just tell it to anyone whom I felt close to. Whom I felt cared. But now, I don't know. I feel like my problem's so small. My problem is not worth others time. My problem is not problematic enough to trouble another person, make her/him listen to me, or make him/her upset just cause of my small problem. And it's hard, to feel this way. I know it isn't the way I think it is, people are willing to be there for me, people are there for me, people care, people love, but fact is, I just feel this way. and when your problem affects you, but you think it's too small for anyone else to care, it somehow, gets worse. And I tried to tell others about it, but everytime I try, the letter either lends up in the rubbish bin, or the email replied is so vague. And I can't take it. I want to tell others, I WANT TO, but the words just won't come out. Or rather, I don't know how to phrase it. I don't know how to make my words express how I feel.

I guess it isn't the problems that are making me feel down, but this thing, that I can't tell others about it that's making me upset. My main problem, I guess, is not being able to talk about it.

I feel like, this world is kind of dumb. Yes, I agree, I can't say life's hard, cause I mean, what can I compare this life to? There's nothing for a comparison. But, sigh. I'm stuck again. well, okay fact is yesterday I was not exactly in a good mood after I came home, cause everything went against me. I tripped on the steps, I knocked my head, everything. And I was in "one of my not so hyper days", and I realized, people just tend to shun you. I mean, okay, I know, cheryl's told me all about it before, but truth is, I never really believed it. but now, I guess when the truth's right before your eyes, you can't possibly deny it. and maybe it's not the shunning that affected me the most, but the fact that, people will always ask, are you alright? And then when you said, no, they just say "haiyah, cheer up lah"and that's it, end of conversation. They don't even ask why you're sad, or what's troubling you. they don't tell you that they're in it with you, they don't tell you if you need them, they're there. No, none of these comforting words. They just cut you off, asking you to cheer up, like hell, if it was that easy, I think no one in the world would be sad. And then there are others who ask why you're sad, but are they listening to what you say? Or are they busy on the other side? Frankly speaking, it's quite obvious that you aren't listening, cause sometimes I've already said the point you mentioned, and it goes to show, you aren't listening at all.

Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I still think that there's love in this world, which till now, I still believe in. but, is this all the world has to offer? Some pretence care, some pretence concern? And nothing more? Is there not a single person who will truly listen? Is there not a single person who will truly be there? Maybe I'm being pessimistic, but don't blame me for being so. Cause I've tried to look on the bright side, but it's disappointing time after time, that the hope you once had, will tend to diminish. I guess, it's true, you do unto others what you want others to do unto you. and it's like, even if it were fake words, even if you didn't mean it, I'd like to hear you say "I'm here for you", "I love you", "you're strong, you're gna tide through it", and things like that, that I say to others. I mean, I'm human too, I need those words. Pardon me for sounding so direct, for sounding so desperate, but thing is I'm desperate already. I can't take it anymore, not having recognition, not having comfort, when I need them.

And what more is there to say when things have come to such a stage?

And I was talking to a P6 guy yesterday, a good friend of mine, who was always there for me, when I was in primary school. Never failed to make me laugh on the way home in the bus. He was a mere P4 when I was P6, but he seemed to understand, and he was mature beyond his age. Maybe it's cause his mother passed away earlier, or maybe he's just mature. I don't know, but I was always impressed by him. But yesterday, he was asking me, about love, about this whole bgr thing. And I just told him what I felt, and he told me"wah lao, that's what I told you in P3 right."And I was stunned. When did he become so rude? When did he become so high and mighty? What happened to the guy who I nominated for prefatory board? Why had he given me that I-told-you-so tone?

And then I realized, no one stays the same forever. And that was a sort of painful hurting truth. And no one stays nice forever, no one will always be nice to you. there will be people who can never ever bring themselves to love you, and the hate in some people against you, will never fade. I think primary school for me was nothing more than a disaster. I was immature, I thought I knew everything, but truth is, I hurt so many people. And in the end, they came around and hurt me back. I'm not complaining, cause I deserved it, I think I still do. And maybe it's primary life, that made me like that, frankly speaking, I don't know either. Primary school, is something I love so much, for it's simplicity, for it's innocence, but at the same time, I hate it so much. Cause I know, I've hurt so many people there, and so many people there have hurt me too. So what is this? Mixed feelings?

There's so much more on my mind, but what is it? I can't seem to figure it out.

I remember, someone (: once told me, that smiling, laughing, was the way she hid all the pain, was the way to pretend she was fine and happy. And she told me, that it's her way, don't tell her to stop doing it, cause it was helping her. And I guess, I didn't tell her it was wrong anymore. cause I came to understand, that that's her way, and although it may not be the most ideal way, but it was a way she had found to be most effective. And if it wasn't going to really harm her, I should ask her not to do it. Cause it's her method. I don't know what's this paragraph for, but I guess, there are things in life, which I can't interfere in, no matter how much I want to. And I have to let go, and just watch from a far, to make sure you don't fall, to make sure you're alright.

I know there are many who's lives are in much worse a condition than mine. But don't get me wrong; I'm not saying that my life is so much worse than theirs. I guess nothing's all wrong, there has been things that has made me glad.