Wednesday, November 15, 2006 @8:02 AM

And something I shall take away from today’s movie I watched is,

Just what is it that I want in life?
And the answer I thought of, the whole way back on the mrt is, I have no idea what I want.
And I’m disappointed with myself.

I tried thinking of answers man, I swear I did. If I don’t even know what I want in life, then how am I going to achieve it? maybe the show is right. I have learnt not to want anything, in case I don’t get it, or I don’t even have a chance of trying it, then I won’t get disappointed. I don’t know, that’s how I feel. It ain’t being a kindergarten school teacher that I want. It isn’t. it isn’t mummy’s dream for me, becoming a speech therapist. I just, don’t know what I want.

And this made me think, I don’t want to go through life like this man. That’ll suck like shit. Not knowing what I want. Not being able to achieve anything. And even if I did achieve anything, so what?! I didn’t even aim for it, it isn’t even achieving cause I never even tried my best for it. so it was just pure luck. I don’t want to be a failure in life, I don’t want to just pass life like that. I’m living this life only once man, so am I just going to let it pass like that? No, no way I am going to let that happen.

I realized, I know what I don’t want. I know very well, what I don’t want in life. but I don’t know what I want. I mean, what’s the point of knowing what you don’t want cause you’ll never know what you want this way. I thought about it real hard, and I’m still thinking. What do I want. I want things that are so materialistic, but yet, I want things that can’t be seen and can’t be bought. And I’m starting to figure it all out, that I’m greedy, and I’m scared of hardship. I’m scared of being poor, and I’m scared of being left alone. I mean, I’m being so greedy, I want the best of all worlds which I jolly know very well I can never have.

I want to leave an impact on people’s lives, I want them to remember me, even after I die. It’s a selfish thought, and with a selfish motive, but I mean, I really don’t want to be forgotten. It’s a scary thought. I mean, like after you die, and no one remembers you, then why did you even live? When years later, to all the people on earth, no one called charis leong ever existed. Isn’t it such a scary thought? To be forgotten? I want to be remembered, cause I don’t want to be forgotten. That’s why I’m trying, I really am to be the best I can be. Maybe that’s why people say I’m fake, I don’t know. Maybe this is called motive, called being fake in being nice. I don’t know man. But well, there may be selfish motives behind, but when I care, I guess it really comes from the heart.

I realized, I’ve become more and more insecure, of my actions, of my thoughts. And maybe I’ve figured why I can’t seem to share anymore. cause I think my thoughts are too immature, too childish, too little for any others to know. Who knows, they may laugh man. I can’t read hearts, I can’t read minds, and I, truthfully, am scared of what people think of me, and I care damn a lot about what they think of me. can anyone tell? I guess, this is when I let it all out.

Mummy’s right. I’ve changed. I’ve changed a lot. In the past, I was never this havoc. In the past, I never laughed so loudly. In the past, I never got pissed at anyone. In the past, I didn’t mind being laughed at. In the past, I didn’t mind being the butt of every joke. In the past, I didn’t mind people making use of me. in the past, I never laughed when I didn’t think it was funny. In the past, I never had to think if what I’m feeling is right or wrong. In the past, I didn’t have to smile when I didn’t feel like smiling. And in the past, I was never what I am now. I’ve changed so much. Not saying that I don’t like the person who I am now, but life was easier when we were younger, although I faced, considerably more problems. Maybe this is the growing age, the feeling age, so they call it. and I guess because I feel more, I have more pride in me now, I begin to feel more, how do you describe it, betrayed when things don’t go the way I thought they would. I feel more put down when someone says something not nice about me, when in the past, I would just laugh it off. I guess it’s sinking in, all those comments, over the years. I thought I could laugh it off, but I guess it was just at the surface, and now it’s all starting to sink in. and I begin to question, is it all true? I mean, of course, if people say those thing, it’s to a certain extent true, but you know, it’s pretty hard to accept all those things about yourself.

And now, I’m really pretty like, how would you even describe it. like alright, if this goes well, good! If it doesn’t go the way I wanted it to, then well, I don’t really care much anymore. cause I guess, I’m used to it. In my mind, when someone says something not nice, when I see an act which I don’t exactly like, I’ll be like saying to myself, “I hate to prove you right charis, but you’re right”. I wish at times like this, I’d be proven wrong. I really want to be wrong this time. But time and time again, I’m being proved right. I know I’m too idealistic about this world, and I should accept the fact that it ain’t all that perfect and stuff. But it’s hard. and I’m trying. I’m still trying, and I don’t plan on giving up.

But I guess life’s not all that bad. I have those who have proven me wrong. And I thank those people, who prove me wrong. Cause without them, I don’t know where’d that leave me. probably, just, no where. Like what was said in one litre of tears, there are hurtful glances, but there are also always kind and gentle glances. And I won’t always look at those gentle and kind ones, cause then I’ll be hiding away from part of this world, but in times of need, I’ll look at the gentle and kind ones, so I know, I’m not in it alone. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. Who knows if we’re still going to be alive tomorrow. No one knows. So I’m going to live my life, with a smile, although I feel so much like crying. Cause what if tomorrow I can’t smile again? so when I can live happily, I guess I should. And there’s always a positive side to everything, and I have to look at that positive things. Of course, not overlooking the negative things, so I can improve and think about them, reflect, but I guess what’s important, is to fix my eyes on what is important, what is good. And things will be better.
I’m not saying my life’s not good now. It’s great, and to be here now, I’m really thankful. But the show just made me think of a lot of things. It’s a good show to watch (: everyone should go and watch it.

Went out with people today :D Cheryl, cher, jas, nana, trish (:

JAS LOOK HERE!
I miss going out with them! Went vivo :D I love vivo! Vivo is cool :D I like the wading pool! And I like the playground :D jas and I are still kids at heart! So we both ran like idiots across so many people to get to the playground. And when we got to the playground, we turned back, and we were like, WHERE ARE THE REST! Lols, I thought we lost them or something lah, but turned up, they were at the shop. So ohwell (: jas and I wanted to sit on the see saw! But other kids kept stealing our places! So we ALL ended up sitting on the turning thingy magic! And it was super fun lah :D well, at least for me (: I was laughing and laughing, it was scary! Not my fault! Jas is the best playground mate :D I love jas :D

And the wading pool :D
Oh man, my skirt got all wet! But it was so fun lah :D so it was all worth it! we walked one whole big round! Wading pool! I love throwing stones! We all stood in one line, and threw stones and the count of three, I think I can imagine how retarded we looked! Lols. I bet there were people laughing at us lah! Sure have, cause we looked super retarded! Cher and I walked together for a while :D ooo, I love her :D

We all bought trishy wishy her birthday present! I love trishy wishy :D trishy wishy, don’t you love me too! Lols. <3

Let me see, today how many packets of ketchup did we use? I know I went to take 6, and nana took 5. and the aunty gave jas 2 I think. So in total, 13! Chey, so little. But well, at least for once we didn’t take too many packets of ketchup :D I’m so proud of us :D

I wanted to do the sand thing! Stupid jas don’t want to do with me! hurmph! Jas, don’t friend you already lah! Lols, just kidding (: I wouldn’t abandon jas!

TOYS R US! Omg omg omg. I saw the doll with nana lah! And it freaked the hell out of me! it like just suddenly blinked! And then we tried showing it to the rest, and they weren’t even scared at all -.- lols, the funniness of the 6 of us together. But we sure missed Bianca loh :D

Okay I think I shall stop! :D
I love today (:
And I really did enjoy myself.

OH ONE MORE THING, I love that shop! All of us loved it lah! Esp Cheryl ho! Lols. That’s such a Cheryl ho shop! I love the typing machine though (: I shall do something like that and give it to nana for her to practice typing :D

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CHARIS;

life ain't always about receiving, it's more about giving.

more about me @ Friendster
prayers since 280606

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