cheryl's right. where did CHARIS go?

(: she'll be back, i promise (: very soon. i promise that.
thank you cheryl, for helping me realise. just that one sentence, it made me feel, remembered, in some sense. i don't know how to explain that feeling, but it makes me feel important, and remembered. thank you dear <3

i'll be back, CHARIS will be back (:

Out of reach

Knew the signs, wasn't right,
I was stupid for a while.
Swept away by you,
And now I feel like a fool.

So confused,
My heart's bruised.
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach,
So far, I never had your heart.
Out of reach, couldn't see.
We were never meant to be.

Catch myself from despair.
I'd drown if I stay here.
Keeping busy everyday,
I know I will be okay.

But now I'm,

So confused,
My hearts bruised.
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach,
So far, I never had your heart.
Out of reach, couldn't see.
We were never meant to be.

So much hurt, so much pain
Takes a while to regain, what is lost inside.
And I hope that in time, you’ll be out of my mind
And I'll be over you.

But now I'm so confused,
My heart's bruised,
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach,
So far, I never had your heart.
Out of reach, couldn't see.
We were never meant to be.

Out of reach, so far,
You never gave your heart.
In my reach, I can see,
There's a life out there for me.

Really says how I feel, at this moment. The confusion.
You know, the scary thing, is not to realize that what you thought was real isn't truly accurate, or to realize that it was wrong. But the scary thing is, to realize what you thought was real, never even existed, was never even real. That's the scary thing. was it ever there in the first place? Or was it something I imagined? Something I just lied to myself along the way.

Reality is starting to sink in. I mean, the reality that we're all different. That the things we go through, will never be exactly the same as another person. Never. so maybe people may understand how you're feeling, but never the whole thing. you can't possibly explain the whole thing, cause the whole thing, starts from when you're born. Maybe it accumulates, maybe it's the way you were brought up. Maybe, you know what I'm trying to say. Nothing can be explained from the point you remember something, till the current date.

It's all just confusing, and scary in a way. cause I'm not really sure of everything, I'm not really sure of anything at all. It's a rather scary feeling to now know anything, and not be sure of the things you once knew so well. To not be able to find comfort, in the one you believe in, to not be able to find love and security in Him. It's all like an overwhelming feeling. you know, the thing you once believed in with all your heart, soul and mind. and if suddenly you start to doubt it, the amount of disappointment. maybe that's why i just have to go to church sometime soon, i guess i just need it. and i won't be surprised, if it either goes that i can't even bring myself to worship, or i just worship till i break. i won't be surprised, if it goes either way. oh well.

and you, can you stop making a joke out of everything i say. when you used to be the person i could rant to, the person whom i'd call to make me laugh till i couldn't take it anymore. the person whom i once trusted so much, that i was willing to say sorry, for who knows what the hell i did wrong, just so that you would talk to me again. you know, how much it hurts to want to try to tell you something, and you laugh at it? and you just make a whole joke out of it? you want to post everything i say to the forum, go ahead. make a joke out of everything i feel, it just sucks alright. and even when i tell you to stop, do you? no, you just make another joke out of it. maybe it's cause of some way i've hurt you that i'm not even aware of, that you're doing this now, but come on, at least tell me what i did wrong. stop making me feel like an idiot for trusting you so much, for always thinking you were so nice, for always thinking that well, it's just for now you're treating me like that, after a while it'll pass. and i'll get back the tweety bird i once knew. at least give me some hope in you, cause it's really vanishing. i really treasure every friendship i have, even one as small as ours. how long have we known each other? less than a year. how deep is our friendship? not very deep. but you were really nice, and i remember that. no matter what horrible things you said after a while, no matter what words you use to put me down. where are you? cause i really miss the old you. and no, i'm not using sweet honey-ed words, like how you say i always do to gain sympathy. i mean every word i say, it's the way i express myself. that's all. i wish for you back, the old simple you.

i know my mistake now, i never treasured what i had before me, till they're gone.

can i have another chance? God, can i just have one more chance? that's if, you're even listening to me.

we keep questioning why others don't believe in god. and i can't help but then question my own religion, why do we keep forcing.

i know it can be desperateness for our generation or whatever, but frankly, if you look around, it's turning people off. they don't believe, cause they don't understand. and when they don't understand, of course they don't believe. so instead of 'forcing', why not help them to understand. i don't understand all of this, i don't understand this whole christian thing, to be truthful. and at so many times, such as now, i do have my doubts. so what more those who haven't even known Him? won't they even have more? of course, my doubts will clear after a while, cause i've got you guys to help me to see, but how about them. they don't have anyone to clear those questions. so how can we ask why they don't believe?

hur, and not to mention, we're terrible testimonies. how many of us has been living our lives the way He has wanted. stop lying to yourself and look around. i'm living a terrible life, that sometimes i don't even want to say i'm a christian least people get the wrong impression of christians. how do we show them how great God is, when we're living such terrible lives? JUST HOW.

i'm annoyed. i'm annoyed. at how we expect people to believe

although i know, it's really upsetting when people reject you, or put your religion down. i mean, i was like that too. but come on, there must be a reason why they're doing that. and do we understand that reason? we don't. so unless we understand, and clear that misunderstanding, we cannot question them.

i'm not trying to put down christianity here, but just giving another point of view. how do people believe, when we don't even explain, and we don't even live the lives we're supposed to live. they have their rights, and we can't put them down like that. cause they have their religion, and they have their faith too. so we can't force them, we can only move them, with our lives, with our actions. what else can we do.

nothing.

so just accept it man, work out your life, and be what you're supposed to be. cause there's nothing else you can do.

work on your life charis, bu2 yao4 qi4 nei4, jia you!

you don't even know the meaning of the words i'm sorry.
so don't use it, when you don't know the meaning of it.

cried myself to sleep last night, when i was so happy after watching the show. what's this supposed to mean. what am i supposed to do. the tears didn't stop. until i could't take it, i had to sleep. it doesn't feel nice to know all that i know now. and it isn't nice to have jerad make me realise all of that. i realise how stupid i've been. but i can't bring myself to hate you. i can't bring myself to unlove you. it's hard, really so hard. to laugh and smile is someting i wish so much. not those that i put on, but i miss the genuine ones. i need sch back, to take my mind off things. but sch is making me scared, cause i feel so alone. i know i'm not alone, but i just feel that way. and i wish i didn't, but i really feel alone, in every way. in everything, in ever way, i feel so alone. so very alone ): i know people are there, but it feels like as if people are there watcing, but no one is there to understand. cause i doubt anyone understands.

i wish well, someone understood.
and jared, pls stop laughing at me. cause it doesn't feel that nice.

you know, you talked to me about it ytd. and i really understand how you're feeling. the feeling that you don't understand. i know how it feels, to have been hurt, and yet wanting to give yourself another chance, you want to try it again. try so hard to put away your hurts and your sadness, and cause you love the person, want to try again, cause you thought the person needs you. but to your.. shock, i guess? that person doesn't need you. you tried so hard to put away yout hurts and sadness, that in the process, it hurts so much. and when you finally can, that person doesn't want you, that person doesn't need you. i can understand. i know how much you cried last night, i know you really don't understand. i know you really just am lost, confused. i know you think it's ironic, i think you think it's confusing. i know you think it's not worth it all. i understand. i know you hope you never loved, you never cared, you never ever believed in that person, but now, you just can't help it. you can't take back that love that care that belief just like that. i know how much you must be hurting. it must be so much. i know, and i can feel how much you love that person. and i guess i do know how much it must hurt. i can't advice, cause i'll be lost too if i were you. but i just can say that i understand, i totally understand how you feel.

so betrayed, so lost, so confused, so hurt. this whole thing doesn't make sense, no matter how hard you try to make sense of it. i understand. i really do. cause the person who's going through it, is me
Love, just what is that. makes everyone so, tangled up inside. oh well

i was reading someone's blog and i just felt that well, everything that was said in one post, it just made me realise, that love, really is a selfish thing. although it isn't supposed to be.

not afraid that the person would die, don't get me wrong. but afraid, that well, our place in the person's heart would be taken by another. and that, well, we won't mean that much to the person anymore. we won't be on the person's top list anymore. we won't just be the first the person would think of anymore. i guess that's what we're all selfish about. important-ess.

it's something i struggled with some time back. wanting to be important in everyone's lives. but like what cheryl said, i can't ever have the best of both worlds. so i guess i let some people go. but then why, did those people i hold on to, chose to leave now? cause don't they see, they're the only people i got. i chose them, cause i loved them more. but now if they leave, what else do i have left? pls prove to me, my decision wasn't wrong.

this year's christmas was terrible for me. having to put up with my father's attitude, being unreasonable and anyhow whacking people. having to put up with my fever. having to be patient with a certain someone whom i can't just tell him off, cause he's just new and i can't shake his faith. having to try to get rid of my belief in a someone, cause it's hard to believe in him/her, cause sometimes it hurts. it just sucks, this christmas. but why it sucks, it's not just cause of all of those above, but more importantly, i didn't get my christmas wish this year. my one and only wish, didn't come true. i already told you santa, i've been so good this year ):

i'm actually quite desperate, i want to go out with you, and ask you what's wrong, if that's the only way you'll talk. but would you even agree to go out? i want to ask, but yet afraid cause knowing that the answer may hurt. it's confusing, it's hurting, it's ironical. it's everything i don't want it to be.

thanks cheryl, once again (:
sorry for ruining your christmas with my rants =/
but i still really thank you :D

don't ignore me, pls.
even if you're speechless.

i still believe in you;
cause everyone makes mistakes.
i would have understood.
but i still believe, in my heart,
that you're the world's greatest.
my world's greatest <3

song from strings (:
Have you ever seen the birds that fly in the sky
And wondered what it means to be free
Have u ever turned and spun and jumped in the air
But i know what it is like
To live with strings untied

Have u ever wondered if your dreams can come true
What it is to live a life that is free
Now you're controlled by strings this world has on you
But i know you can be free and i want you to see

I am free from these strings
Now im free to live my life and my dreams
You open my eyes to paradise
Now my strings are gone and i am free

Have u ever gazed upon these living things
And wondered why you're tangled in these strings
I dont need a life that is apart from these strings
Dont you want to live your life with all these strings untied?
Dont you wna be the one you were made to be?
And let your life fulfil your dreams?

But these strings make me a part of this world
Open up your eyes and see,
You can be free
You can be free from these strings
To be all that you have wanted to be
Theres a better world in paradise
Where you're free from the strings of these world

How can it be that someone is able to remove these strings?
I've tried but i cant
Only the Makenah he can
So what should i do? Just believe and you'll see

I wna be free
You can be free
From these strings
To be all that i've wanted to be
Free to live in paradise
I believe that you can take off these strings

I wna be free You can be free
From these strings
To be all that ive wanted to be
Free to live in paradise
I believe that you can take off these strings

if the words in bold, is somethng you're saying, then i'll tell you all those that i've said in unbold. you can be free. just believe. and you'll see your paradise. (:

happy birthday oswald tan :D
the sms you sent me this morning, i can say is the longest sms you sent me in ages that says something nice (: happy birthday! like malcolm, you've been a great person, and a blessing to know. we've been through alot, haven't we? (: and i can say, i think i know you pretty well. and i know you know me well enough too. and i know something you know very well. lols, cause i scolded you like crap before you finally understood that. that i can't take stress very well. lols. and i'm sure you remember that! well, things between us have got better (: and i'm glad. at least now, i can comment on your looks :D lols. well, you've been a great friend! continue to shine for god (: and give some of your looks away, don't be selfish! tsk. lols. god bless my dear birthday boy (:

sometimes;
after i make up my mind,
i hope you respect that decision instead of pushing me with no where else to go.

hm merry christmas everyone (:
it's that time of year again. and i was just thinking back, and looking at how far i've come, in a blink of an eye. last year's christmas, seemed like just yesterday. and it's rather weird, for time to pass so quickly. knowing i haven't really treasured my time. regrets, they come for unfufiled dreams. i guess i thought i could do so much more this year than i actually have. but i guess, it's alright. i can always do i next year. and next year, i'll make sure i'll do it. i've a life list now (: with all the things i want to do with my life. so i don't just think about it, and forget about it the next moment. but i have a constant reminder, i'm sure that way, i'll do more of what i want to do.

well, christmas is here (: and i'm beginning to wonder, how many people actually know the real meaning of christmas. jesus came down on this earth, he was born as a baby. and at 33, he died for you and me. for our sins. no one's perfect, everyone sins. he came down, to die for our sins. so that we may go to heaven. he took it all, when he was crucified on the cross that day, when he died on earth. but he didn't just die, he didn't just end it all there, he rose again three days later, and he went back to heaven. he suffered in hell, for us, for those three days. and he rose again, and went back to heaven. it's not just a myth or legend. it's recorded in history. it's the truth. and how great is his love, to die for us, when we don't deserve it. how great.

he doesn't promise a life without problems, but he promises a life with problems, but he promises strength for us to go through them. see the catch now? he'll provide the strength. cause he loves us, for everything we are. he hates the sin, but he loves the sinner. complete acceptance.

and to believe in him, that's all you need, to go to heaven. to admit you're a sinner, to ask for forgiveness, and to ask for him to come into your heart. that's all that's needed. just open up your heart, and ask him in.

and you may ask, is it really that simple? well, no. there'll be so many trails, and everything. but don't worry, you'll have Him with you to go through it all. so if it's simple, not really. but if you ask if it's tough, not really too. cause you've got the almighty.

just pray, open up your heart and ask him in (:

before the world began,
you were on his mind.
and every tear you cried,
is precious in his eyes.

because of his great love,
he gave his only son.
and everything was done,
so you would come.

come to the father,
though your gift is small.
broken hearts, broken lives,
he will take them all.
the power of his word, the power of his blood,
and everything was done,
so you would come.

nothing you can do,
to make him love you more.
and nothing that you've done,
could make him close the door.

because of his great love,
he gave his only son.
and everything was done,
so you would come.

come to the father,
though your gift is small.
broken hearts, broken lives,
he will take them all.
the power of his word, the power of his blood,
and everything was done,
so you would come.

i hope this song touches your heart, like it touched mine. nothng you can do, to make him love you more. cause he alrady loves you so so much. Jesus loves you. no matter what your circumstances are, he wants to be there with you. every tear you cried, which you think no one knows off, no one bothers, he knows, he was right there beside you, wanting to wipe your tears away and it bothers him so much. so let him wipe the tears away, let him bring the genuine joy in. He loves you.

merry christmas, everybody.

took a quiz, and here's the results. pretty true, 90% i guess

You are the sort of person that needs a peaceful environment. You seek release from stress and freedom from conflicts and disagreements, of which you seem to have had more than your fair share. But you are taking pains to control the situation by proceeding cautiously and you are right in doing so as you are a very sensitive person.You are feeling very vulnerable at this time. Nothing seems to be going in the right direction - business wise, private-life wise, everything. You need some emotional security and an environment which could possibly provide fewer problems, but the way you are feeling you can't be bothered even to make the effort.Loneliness is soul destroying and at this time you feel lost and lonely, perhaps it is because you feel so frustrated that you are prepared to go out of your way to become emotionally involved with someone who could accept you for what you are. You are egocentric, antagonistic and quick to take offence, although it must be said, you can control your pent-up up emotion and thus avoid open conflict.You are feeling trapped by the situation as it stands at this time and what is more, you feel powerless to remedy it. You are stressful, angry and disgruntled. You feel that everything that you try to do to change the situation is thwarted and your hopes and aspirations all seem to be receding into the ever distant future. You have reached the state where you now doubt whether your dreams will ever be achieved and this is not only causing mental stress but heartache. You need to get away from it all - you need to have time to think, to recuperate, to be able to make your own decisions.You wish to be left in peace... no more conflict and no more differences of opinion. In fact you just don't want to be involved in arguments of any shape or form. All you want is for 'them' to get on with it - and to leave you alone.

why won't you understand when i say no? cause it's not that i think you're not a nice guy or anything like that. but don't you see, i'm not ready for another thing like that. and i don't wish to hurt you or myself or anyone. quit pushing me pls, cause i think i can't take it. quit asking me to go out, cause i just really don't want to. although you're really sweet, and really nice, and the most sincere person i've ever met, but my heart just ain't with you. it's still with someone else. and till i change, i won't lie to you. never. so pls, be understanding. don't push me anymore.

everyone's entitled to be happy-

illegal

Who would have thought
That you could hurt me
The way you've done it?
So deliberate, so determined

And since you have been gone
I bite my nails for days and hours
And question my own questions on and on

So tell me now, tell me now
Why you're so far away
When I'm still so close

You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
You said you would love me until you die
And as far as I know you're still alive, baby
You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
I'm starting to believe it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart

I tried so hard to be attentive
Do all you wanted
Always supportive, always patient
What did I do wrong?
I'm wondering for days and hours
It's here, it isn't here where you belong

Anyhow, anyhow
I wish you both all the best
I hope you get along

But you don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
You said you would love me until you die
And as far as I know you're still alive, baby
You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
I'm starting to believe it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart

You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
You said you would love me until you die
And as far as I know you're still alive, baby
You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
I'm starting to believe it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart

Open heart
Open heart
It should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart

Open heart
Open heart
It should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart


do you know the meaning of the words i'm sorry?

and a birthday post to my dearest malcolm :D

happy birthday malcolm! although it was yesterday. but still (:
you know, you've been a really great friend. and i'm not just saying it for the sake of saying it. but you've somehow, always been there. in your own silent way. not always asking how i am, or letting me rant on you, but you've always like, tried to empathize. and even when all those not so nice things happened, you didn't shun me, like how all the rest did, you still did talk to me. you still smiled at me if i crossed your path. and you know, at one point, you were really the only one in church, when joan was away, that made me feel like i was a friend to someone. malcolm, i wrote you a letter before, and all that i said inside, still stays the same. i admire your love, i admire your persistance. and sometimes, when i don't believe in happy endings, i think of you and candice, and i just laugh at myself. cause i know there are happy endings. malcolm, you've given me so much. so much love, so much care, so much concern, so much laughter with your stupid comments (: and although i've not gone out with you much, but those few times, they were, just so great. you've been such a blessing. and i just wanted you to know that (: happy birthday malcolm tan my kor :D keep shining (:

anyway! my brother got into victoria :D
say hooray (:

it was strings yesterday :D

anyway, met aidan at white sands at about 120 (: HE WAS LATE CAN. lols, but he had his valid reason :D and anyway, he helped me look for oswald and malcolm's present (: cause i really had NO idea what to get for them. i called alfi to ask, i called joan, and er, i asked malcolm himself. cause i was really out of ideas. and white sands, it's such a dead place to look for presents can ._. lols, so we just walked into some sports shop, and he was like: haiyah, just buy them waterbottles can already lah. so i did (: lols, and after buying 2 bottles, i only had like $4 left. lols. and he was like making fun of how poor i am lah. wah lao!
then we went up and he ate :D i was poor, so i didn't eat. i watched him eat. lols. and so, yeah. i was trying to do my math. and i couldn't get anything. and he nicely taught me how to do it (: and now, i understand (: thank you aidan!
so then we were too bored at white sands, but it was too early to go to church. so he said, "eh let's go to the beach". then it started to drizzle. then i think he was a little upset, but ah heck, i just insisted we went (: and the rain stopped! whee (:
so we just walked and talked. and he kept laughing, cause he insists i make weird noises, which i don't! yeah, it was fun (:

then when we finally went to church, johannas stole him away lah! wah lao. lols, so i just waited for my cell (: and they came. and omg, you know what! we were like first in queue (: first 5 to queue, was US :D aren't we enthu or what!
oh and to update on ytd situation, no one came with me D: but oh well (: it's alright (: i had my cell (:
and then i saw joan ._. and i was shouting "joan!", then she stared from far far away. and she gave that "who-are-you" expression. lols. how can you not remember me ): rahhh! lols.

anyway, strings made the worship centre packed, some people even had to stand (: and it was an amazing sight. like, maybe it was 4 times our normal service size (: it was touching.
and i kept crying when pj shared about the prison boy lah. it was just, super sad ): rah, but at least he left peacefully (: and that's a nice part, but eh, it made me cry even more. lols.
so when there was alter call, maybe about 100 salvations? i don't really know how to estimate. but it was alright (: i sort of hoped there would have been more, but oh well (: the seeds are sown :D

OOO :) area gathering. i love my cell :D we played some games, which for once, helped me step out of my shyness in church. pretty amazing. (:

and then i left with aidan. cause he needed to go to eugene's house to get, er something. so i just follow lor, (: and so we took the bus. new bus (: and then like through out the way, i was kinda worried he missed the stop, cause he didn't seem to bother. but he knew where to get off. eugene lives super near me lah :D now i know! and then both of them walked me to the bus stop :D and aidan kept insisting he send me home, cause saying that if something happened my parents would kill him. lols. and he kept insisting, but it was really sweet of him (: but i refused, so he just waited with me at the bus stop. and he went home (: and daddy came to pick me up. no other guy has sincerely wanted to send me home before (: so he's nice. (:

hm, i guess cell cheered me up :D

thank you rachel and joan for the presents :D
i love the letter (:
i love the pendant (:
i love the necklace (:

rah, love you guys loads :D

actually, maybe it was never cause i wasn't there,
but cause you actually never cared.
not that i never asked or anything,
but you'd just never open up.
and all you'd do, is turn to her.
fish it.

i think i really shouldn't log in to msn first thing in the morning anymore. it sucks. don't feel like asking you anymore, cause you don't even care. i just don't even wna care about you anymore. i don't wna anymore. cause it goes, unappreciated. and you know, i really hate it, when i care so much and you don't even give a damn.

maybe i'm sounding like a total bitch, maybe you think i am. maybe, just in fact, i really am a bitch. but i mean, i've been trying so hard to make it up to you. and after all these time, you just don't really care. and.., why am i even bothering to post about it? i don't know. okay, i don't care. i shall stop.

strings is today (:
bee hiang and eunice abondaned me ): rah, so now johannas invited aidan, but he's got to perform so he can't like be with him, so now it's my job ._. but i'm fine with it :D cause i think aidan is really nice and sweet. he sounds like jared. lols. and laughs like jared. it's funny. how he reminds me of jared. but well, he's still him. so meeting him at 1 at pasir ris mrt. don't know how on earth i'm going to be able to rush there after going with my bro to get his school allocation at eleven. oh bother. i'll rush (:

hope the time of harvest is here. just really hope so-

thanks joan, for always being there. to think i used to turn to guys to rant to when i was down, now i figured, it never helps. they were never really there, they never really cared. but i know you're there, and i know you care. thank you my dear.

and cheryl ho :D
i miss you loads, come back soon!

and iris!
you too, i miss you too!

and HAPPY BIRTHDAY JERRON (:
thanks for always being the retarded person i have always known (: whee, sometimes, it's your bugging me to come to church that gets me to church somehow. and when i see you doing ushering, it just warms my heart. sometimes, when i go to church, i'm feeling so down, but your retarded comments on how retarded i am makes me laugh all over again (: jerron, you're young, but you've got a bright future (: shine in the lord alright (: and today, i promise you, i'll give you the kiss you asked for :D neh neh, no running away now! (: happy birthday jerron!

i realise, that i'm not in any position to probe.
so i guess, i'm just hoping here that you're fine.

i've come back from malaysia. thank god i have. things were just terrible there. the rain and all. it was raining non stop lah. and all we could do, was to go to the driving range, hit some freaking balls, or bowl, or just go to jusco, and shop ._. how pathetic. and it got sorta annoying when people keep ordering you around. and it sucks to keep being judged. sigh. the holiday was just, not a holiday. am i making sense?

so joan's finally back (: why do i find it so hard to rant to you too?
yeah, i miss her so much can (: sometimes i just really don't know what to do without her. i'll feel sometimes, so lost without having her around. but she's back now :D and that's all that matters (:

whee, strings is coming, and the response is dissapointing. i think cause we've all been praying so hard, and well, hoping for a good response, that when everyone seems to say no, it kinda dampens the spirit. and well, i just thought that those i asked could come. but obviously not. of course, i know you guys have your reasons. but if you ever change your mind, msg me (: i'll try my means and ways to get extra tickets (: thanks bee hiang and eunice for coming (: see you guys there :D

it's a relapse;

i've woken up, i know what's wrong. i've solved my problem. (:
and i didn't do it on my own, i did it with cheryl, with my God (:

everything she said made sense. i should appreciate myself. i should just open up. and now i know. i understand. i fianlly understand (: i know i'm not alone, i know i've got you (:

and my god, he's there for me. miss teng msn-ed me, and she gave me a verse (: the joy of the lord, will be my strength. (: i just always failed to see that. i'm not a strong christian, i have my doubts, alot of them. but now i see, he loves me. he cares. and he's a good listener. he passes no judgement. he's the best friend you can ever have. unconditional love, unconditional. and i just feel accepted with him, when i'm with him. cause he just loves me, for whoever i am, whoever i may be. and when i'm in the dark, he's right there with me. never leaving one step away from me. and he's just so awesome. although i can say i've never had a personal encounter with him, i think if i ever did, it'd be so awesome. cause he's just so great. through all those times i screamed, i yelled, i swore at him, he never left. and the reason i live, is to worship him. cause he made me. he loves me. there's no words i can use to express my thanks. he's always been there. when i was 3, he saw me through my operation. this year, he saw me through my liver thing. he sees me through. his grace amazes me. i'm so unworthy. but he still loves me. what more can i ask for. i have no right to ask for more. just his simple love, it's all i ever need. he's so so amazing. he never left me, no matter how rotten i was. never. even when i felt like he wasn't there, i know now, he's always there. always. he did this all, for love. he's my father, he's my god, he's my best friend. and nothing will ever change that ever again. thank you lord (:

i feel so much better, after miss teng gave me that verse, thank you lots.

let's just hope, you're happy now (: cause that's all i want. for you to be happy my dearest (:

and when i'm feeling like this, i realised somthing, the most important things, are these. my journal, the most important. to pen down the thoughts that no one knows. that sometimes when i write and write, i realise things i never even knew myself. my phone, cause it's with my phone, i realise how much people care with their sms-es, their calls. and i appreciate them alot. and music, it calms me down, helps me cry (:

i need these things, always. cause they're the things that get me through. but the most important, close to my heart, is my journal. cause it helps me know myself, much much better. better than i ever knew before.

i know it isn't easy, but when i see you so strong, i can't help but think i have to be strong too. yours is so much harder, i have to be as strong as you. i want to be as strong as you R. i hope you know who you are. i know it isn't easy. but you're so strong. and i'm, i look up to you. i want to be as strong as you. cause you just hold on, i shall too. you're my inspiration.

i'm in a posting mood. and today i'm feeling much better (: really much much better. i'm not sure if i can go to church later. but i promised jeron i'll try my best, so i guess i shall try my best.

strings
21st december
4pm
musical

anyone interested? i've got 2 tickets (: i've asked eugene already, so that's left with one. it'll be a nice experience (: i promise. anyone interested?

this is my prayer, that everyone in the world, be happy (: be happy in the lord.

-you-
i have no idea what's on your mind right now. but frankly speaking, i don't wish to know. cause what if it's something i don't wish it is. i don't know. i know i've let you down, i know i wasn't there when you needed someone most. but you know, i don't think i would have been that someone even if i were there. it was painful, and it is upsetting. but who knows. maybe you're happier now. i hope you're happier now. cause it was a very painful decision. and i still mean my forever, and i still miss you so.

well, i'm going to malaysia tomorrow with my parent's cell group.
it's been such a long time since we did something like this. so long, and i kind of miss it. although i'll be the only girl there, but still, i guess i have nothing to complain about. cause it'll be time spent, with others and not in my own emotions (:

have a good flight today cheryl (: i have to thank her, for she's been the only one. i shan't say the only what, but she knows. and i thank you my dear. though we've been through so much, so many fights so many quarrels, we still came out close, or maybe even closer. and i thank god, for blessing me with such a great friend. i don't know where i'd be now, without your constant help and support. thank you.

and heard from aidan that oswald, you're going to jb today? have a nice trip too alright (: you mean person, didn't even tell me lah can. i'm gna demand for my present when you come back.

and iris (: have a nice trip okay! i'll miss you (:

so many people are going away. i guess, it's a good thing. everyone deserves their break. just like everyone deserves to be loved. everyone deserves a chance, at everything.

i was just looking at my old blog, mirroredme-.blogspot.com, and i figured how different i was in the past. childish, loved to judge. immature and selfish. i guess we all grow. we all take time to grow. like ben said, we all take time to grow. we just have to wait and see.

she's the only one, that's why i love her so much. more than anything else in the world

if only i could tell you what's going on,
if only i could find the right words to say.
if only i knew how to make you see,
what's going right on in me.
but i myself doesn't even know,
what's wrong, what's going on.

my dear, i wish i could really tell you all that's happening. i want to. i don't feel like keeping it in anymore. but i myself don't know what's going on. i'm a little confused. a little lost. although you can say that most of my hurts, my troubles, i bring it upon myself, but sometimes i think that this way, maybe for the other people, it will hurt them less. when you said i'm soft hearted, i disagreed. but i guess, maybe now i have to say that you're right. i don't know, but i don't like to think for others anymore. i don't like to keep putting others first. sometimes i wish i'd think of no one but myself. that way it'd be so much easier. cause frankly, i know what i want. but i have to give it up sometimes cause i think too much for others. i'm not trying to be a hero here, but i was taught to think for others. i was brought up this way. how am i supposed to change. i wish i knew what's going on, i wish i knew why i was so upset. maybe i know, but maybe that's not the real reason. there's so much emotions missing in me. i can't say no one's there. it's cause i hardly open up. that's one of my problems. i open up so slowly. that's one of my faults. that's one of the things that landed me up in this state. my dear, i guess the thing affecting me the most now, is thinking for others too much, giving away what i love most, what i need most.

when we sang dang1 ni3 gu1 dan1 ni3 hui4 xiang2 qi3 shui2 during campfire. i teared. it was like, a song i wanted to write to myself. it's so much, like me. everyone wants to be understood, everyone wants to be loved. but how do you be understood when you yourself doesn't even understand.

my dear, now do you understand? why i said all that i said yesterday. why i watch so many serials. why it seems all so void now?

oh well.

camp was nice. it was nice to wake up at 545 every morning and to sleep at around 12-1 every morning. i'm not being sacarstic. i mean it, it was nice. to see everyone try so hard to keep awake. everyone still waking up immediatly when the alarm rang. it was nice to sleep in flooded tents cause of the rain at night. it was nice, for the 6 of us, to squeeze into a 4 person tent. it was nice, to know and see more of myself. it was nice, to know and see more of the other 5 of you. it was nice to know, that people cared when i couldn't really see. it was nice, when i knew i had people around me.

there's so much i learnt from this camp. the skills, the activities. but something i learnt that i feel is the most important, are not the skills or activities. but i learnt, when you're upset, it's best to be with people who love you, with people who sincerely care. they don't have to know you're upset. but just being with them, they show how much they care, and it just makes you feel a whole lot better. sometimes, i don't think i need encouragement, sometimes i don't think i need understanding, i just need unconditional friendship, unconditional love from those around me. no matter what mistakes, what decisions i make, sometimes i just need these people to stick with me. and the greatest joy in life, is to make others smile, when evertone's feeling so tired. that's what i learnt. despite your own sorrow, your own pain, making others smile, there's nothing that can make you happier than that.

camp has taught me so much, given me so much. but not as much, as how much the people have taught me. on how to love, on how to give, on how to share, how to appreciate, how to care. there's so much i thought i knew, but when i saw how unconditionally some people gave, how unconditionally the smile was always on their faces, i finally realised how little i knew. i once thought that 'thinking' was a stupid thing. cause the more you think the less you understand. the more you know, the less you understand. but i think i'm wrong now. so what if i understand less? sometimes people don't want to be understood, but to know that your friendship, your love, your concern is unconditional. the more you think, the more you know. you may not understand, but you can empathize.

no one can be there for another forever. but loneliness, everyone has to taste that feeling. but whenever you feel lonely, i'll be there for you.

i want to go to sentosa with area today ): but mummy won't let cause of my back. i think, i need to fill myself with activities, so i don't get too caught up in my emotions. but sometimes, mummy doesn't really know what's going on anymore. she used to know so well, but i guess now i hide it too much. i can't expect much, when i'm the one hiding it.

it'll get better. tomorrow i have church to get things off my mind. the next day i'm going to malaysia. and i'll get back on tuesday. i'll probably find someone to go out with on wednesday. and on thursday i have guides. i'll probably spend friday doing up my christmas cards for 7 of us. and on saturday, it'll be strings. i can find things to occupy myself with. i just don't want to wallow in my own emotions. it won't help, at all.

for all those you have always been there, showing silent care and concern, i thank you. evelyn, iris, cheryl ho, cheryl tan. always being there, being so patient. empathyzing, when i think you guys don't understand what's really going on. thank you. cause it's people like you, who keep me going.

i hurt my back, and i can't walk.
and my eyes can't see properly.
oh god. at least let me know what's coming next,
so at least i can be prepared.

cause now, i feel so afraid.

my heart feels uneasy.

tell me where to go;
for i need directions.

oh god, i need you more than ever.
i'm desperate for you.
come, pls take it all away.

it's tough, to fight this battle. i guess, cheryl tan, you understand. but not many do. you seem to know how i feel so well. but it's hard to smile again. i will smile again, but it'll take time. but i know i can do it. thanks cheryl, for being the only one who asked.

guides camp till thursday. i guess it's a good break.

ps, evelyn, if i cry during camp, would you hug me pls?

it was hard to sleep last night,
it was a hard dream i had.
would you know i dreamt about you every night?
would you know i wrote your name on the mirror everyday, in every hotel?
would you understand, how much i missed you?
and yet, this happens.
breaks my heart.

and truth be told, even if weren't overseas,
you still wouldn't have told me anything, would you?
like how, now, you still don't tell me anything.

maybe it's cause we don't wish to trouble or hurt the other person in any way. we keep it all to ourselves, keep it unknown. so we'd think that the other is happy. but i guess, it's never the case. i knew something was wrong, you were so far away. i just, never thought that "something wrong", would be this.

i know it ain't your fault. i'm not saying it is. i'm not blaming you, or trying to make you feel guilty. but no matter how hard i try, i don't understand, am i not good enough? am i not good enough a listener? am i not good enough, cause i don't understand? then tell me, how to change, so that i am good enough. cause i'll willingly change.

came back from korea :D
shan't blog about it, just that it was really cold and i still ate chicken given the bird flu. daddy started it first. i was trying to keep to the rule, he broke it first! :D

so korea was alright, ken the tour guide was super entertaining, and the people in my tour group rocked :D they all seriously did. played cards till one =/

okay anyway, today met toad patrol at plaza sing at one. watched them eat. lols. thanks evelyn for bringing my camp booklet (: and i really missed you guys lah (: congrats to us, for getting a nice grade for patrol logbook :D and i think i'm so dead, i have so much to pack, sigh.

and then i met irwin 2 (: lols. there were a lot of storm, hurricane buisnesses. lols, but it's normal when he's around. so yeah (: it's fun going out with him, except the part where he makes me decide stuff. i'm no good at deciding, most people know that. lols. went to the arcade, and yeah. he was pro (: and er the purple shirt girl ._. LOLS. alot of yuan2 fen4. lols. oh well (:

oh oh! and i met malcolm :D lols, i just had a feeling i'd meet malcolm, i don't know why. and i did. lols, and yes irwin, that's his brother (:

so now here i am at home, rotting away, dead tired.

AND MY COM IS SCREWED. IT'S FREAKING IRRITATING.

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i don't know what's going on, i'm confused, i'm blur. tell me what's going on. i don't want to cry over this, but it's heartbreaking. i can't help it.
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