am i supposed to move on like this? am i supposed to lie through this? hiding this from everyone, and not being able to love you like how i want to? i don't wish to say that we're sworn siblings anymore. i don't wish to say that we're not together anymore. i want the world to see that i love you and you love me too. why? why do we have to lie through this? aren't you living a lie by doing this? aren't we? i want to tell the world i love you, but it's so hard ):

i still love you bianca and cheryl. although i know you'll never see this. but i'll always love you guys. i know it's hard to love me for me now, and i don't wish to make you love me either. but i want you 2 to know, that you all will always be the best friends i ever had, and that's the truth. the people i could be myself with, the people i could laugh with, the people i could share with, the people who i loved for who they are. and those 2 people are you. really. and no one can replace you 2 no matter how things have changed. i just wanted you 2 to know that

god, when will i get to feel you? when? i don't know. but i guess i'm already desperate. i don't know what i'm going to do without you. i need you lord. i want you to be my reason. i'm trying hard to love those who hate me, but it's hard without you by my side to guide and help me. i need you lord, come touch me.

i'm worried. worried that it's gonna be over soon. and it's all just gonna disapear just like that? i see the way you talk about candice and celestine now, i begin to wonder what you'll say about me if we ever broke up. i'm losing it. really. i don't know what to say or do with you. and i just.. i'm just worried. i guess i should learn how to trust, trust that love can be grown over time. i trust in that. and i believe that one day i'll grow to love you more. i get jealous. i know you don't, but i do. you keep talking about charmaine.. or whatever her name is, and you term her as your best friend. ever thought of my feelings? i don't want to say much, but deep inside it really hurts. like as if.. i'm not important to you. i don't know, it's just how i feel. i want you to be mine, it's selfish, but i'm being truthfull here. i want you to be no one else's but mine.

judging me, do you know how much it hurts bojia? you don't even know me. and it's like.. i thought you were nice. it just hurts. and well, yes whatever people say about me, even if they know or don't know me, has an impact on me. it's just whether i show it anot. and i wish you'd see how much you've hurt me. cause of those few words you said. i've done nothing wrong to you, so why? why judge me like that? is it fair?

i'm seriously kinda disgusted by you. i mean, i know. you have your insecurities, but do you have to go to such an extent to make sure you're "safe"? i know, maybe you agree with her, but i know deep in my heart, you aren't the kind of person you are being to me right now. somehow, i'm wondering if you're just doing this so that you can have her all to yourself. so that i won't snatch her away from you. i already made myself distant from her, cause i know that you don't like it. but can't you see that?! what's your problem!

using the F word is worse than the word love. you know that? F is such a vulgar, no meaning, and do you even know what it means?! if i'm abusing the power of love, you're abusing the power of that word. or rather, that word shouldn't even be used. i don't see how you can convince yourself that it's okay. i wonder. i tried to work it out nicely, tried to say i'm sorry, and when i did i meant it. but you just are not open anymore. you all have built that wall. it's not that i cannot survive without you. i can. you really meant alot to me. the first best 2 friends i ever had. but now, it seems like you are just people who don't even know me, trying to read me, trying to judge me. is this what i call friends?

crap. i really feel like going to school now adays is a drag. cause i have to face you. sometimes i wish sec 3 would faster come. so then we'd all be split up. and i wouldn't have to face you all. i really am waiting for that day to come. so desperately. i feared you, and now i guess i know how iris felt. but now, i realise there's nothing to fear cause what can you do to me if i don't let you affect me? i'm not gonna cry over this anymore. and i'm not gonna be sad anymore. cause i realised it's not gonna change anymore. no matter how hard i try. or to a matter affect, how hard you try. so well, yah. i give up. i don't care

i wonder how you do this to me. bring my smile when i'm crying. i know it's not funny, but i still laugh, cause you make me happy. i really love you, and no, i'm not abusing this word, or this thing. cause i know it's all different from the rest. it's not about fun anymore. or about those honey-ed words. it's how open we both are with each other and how we trust each other with our deepest secrets. it's not just about holding hands and going out, but it's about seeing what each other feel without having the other to say it. i know what love is now. it's not some fantasy that we create. it's about you and me. when i'm gone for those 7 days, i guess it'll be tough, but we can have telepathy! (: hoho. and yes, i promise i'll miss you everyday. EVERYDAY. i wanna tell you that you mean alot to me and i'm afraid you'll go but yet i also wanna show you that i trust you. so i'm not gonna say anything and trust you. i trust you. you understand me best now. and i know that you are special to me. i know it.

i wonder how many people in the world really know what the word care means. haha. some people just ABUSE that word don't they? oh well. there's nothing i can do about it anyway.