my pledge (:

I, CHARIS LEONG, PLEDGE TO A LIFE TIME OF TOGTHER-NESS, SMILING, WITH JOAN CHEW (: together, forever joan (:

i smile for you (:

i just wish sometimes you let others take the lead.

i don't even want to reply your emails anymore. you know, somewhat i feel nothing at all, but fear of you now. i just want to erase you from my life, from my memory. that nothing will have to do anymore. in the past, i guess i would have been so moved by the email you just sent, but i guess now i feel nothing, nothing expect laugh out of irony. do you really mean what you say? hur, that's all i really wonder. and to think you don't even know how i'm feeling right now. that's the total ironical part. i used to look forward to your emails so much, but now they're just somethng i dread, something i don't wish to see, don't wish to reply to. i guess you can say i'm mean, i'm unfeeling. but you made me this way, you did. think about it, it's all you. i don't feel a thing for you anymore. i don't care (:

these few days, many things has been happening and it's got me thinking.

maybe why we get hurt cause we place too much hope in others. we get hurt cause we expect others to do the same for us, as what we would do for them. and maybe we get hurt cause we ourselves care too much.

these few days, the incidents that are happening, the way i think about it, what i conclude is that, well, maybe i should stop caring. cause what i've learnt from all these is that if you don't care, it won't affect you. if it doesn't affect you, you won't get hurt. i placed a hope in everyone, maybe that's why i feel like as if i'm being let down all the time. but thinking about it, it's my own fault that i placed that hope. it's not their job to be there for me, it's not their job to ask what's happening. so what right do i have to feel let down anyway. maybe to be happy, we should just stop caring so much. maybe we should just be selfish, cause i don't see what caring gets you. it doesn't give you anything but hurt.

i give up, and i feel so numb. that i don't feel anything at all

i had so much to say, and when i started to type it out, i just didn't know what more there was. i don't wish to say this, but this world is not perfect. it used to be, but it's not anymore. i stand here, and i wish i could make everyone smile, really. and take off the masks they have to wear, and to make them laugh. to see the world with hope and not despair in their eyes. but i can't. i've tried. if i can't even make you happy, make you smile, how can i do that for the world?

i am starting to feel so helpless all over again. we're over. and i want to end it. for all the hurt you've caused me. for violating me so bad. i don't wanna continue this relationship anymore. but yet, as i think about it, i don't want you to get hurt, i don't want you to go back to your old ways, i don't want anything bad to happen to you. i don't wanna be the cause of anythng bad that happens to you, cause i'll feel so bad. i love you, i still do. but i can't, i have to force myself, i can't love you anymore. after what you've done. i'm not gonna let it happen again. i'll try to persuade myself that nothing will happen to you, nothing bad will happen. and i'll leave. for all the nightmares you've caused me, i hate you. i love you, yet i hate you. hate you for doing this to me. tell me, if you loved me, would you have did it? if you loved me, wouldn't you have respected me? it just shows, that i'm nothing to you, but somone to just satisfy your needs. i don't want to be that anymore. i don't wanna hurt myself anymore. i know it's wrong, i know it is. let's end it here.

i want to trust you god, but after all you've put me through, am i supposed to believe it's for the best for me? i don't wanna be preached to anymore, i don't want people to tell me to trust in you anymore. cause i do. and i just wish you take away all of this, cause it's making me lose the faith. god, take away all of this i pray.

i don't know what i should do, someone help me

joan, i know you're trying. i want to tell you all that's happening. but yet, i don't want this to make anyone upset as well. joan, you're a dear friend i hold close to my heart. for you've always wanted to be a part of my life, even when something like this happened, when if anyone else knew, would have ran far far away. joan, thank you. but the reason why i don't wish to talk about it is cause i don't want anyone else to get affected by it. cause it's something that has happened, and something that i should have to go through. no one else is responsible. it's just my fault for letting this happen. joan, thank you. and although i may not believe in love anymore, i believe you are the best friend i ever had. thank you.

irwin, i thought you understood me, i thought you knew me. i have my reasons for not telling you. cause i don't want misunderstandings, i don't want things to happen when they have to need to be known. but obviously you don't know why i don't tell you. do you know how hurting it is to keep it inside? to not be able to tell people? maybe i'm too sensetive, but it hurts, when you say i don't care about what you say, cause to me, it matters, so much.

just remember, i always have my reasons

i want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken. and the one that could brighten up your day even if she couldn't brighten her own.

i really wanna do that, i really wanna love the world, regardless of who it is, who they are. but why is it, why is it so hard? i'm trying, my best

i had a good talk with you today. and i've come to understand you more. you are a great friend to have, and cause you're so great, you expect people to be there for you too. i guess i know how it is, i've thought of it before. girl, sometimes we just have to let go of things that can't be ours no matter how we try to grab onto it. we had our quarrels, we had our bitch fights, but today, i've realised that no matter how we fight, we'll always be friends (: and hey, i'm always here to talk to you. face to face. it doesn't matter how you say it or what you say, i'll always be here to listen. i know this is really making you feel hurt, this situation and all, but let her make her mistakes, let her learn and grow. cause we can't be there to shelter her all the way, to help her in everything. and now, she doesn't want us to interfere, so we'll let her be yah (: give her her own space, let her fall, and we'll help her up. i know you're trying real hard, and i'm proud of you. cause i have never seen a friend do so much for another. and i'm proud of you (: cheryl, you are a star, one of a kind. and through it all, i'm here for you. not to understand you, not to judge you, but to listen to you, and if i can, to help you (: cause that's what you did for me. cheer up my dear (: cause nothing's impossible for me and you (: i love you friend (:

after having the talk, i went home. and guess what! OHMYGOSH. i saw eugene ho at the bus stop (x cool eh! so i didn't get lost while going home after all. cause he brought me home -.- haha. i've never talked to him so much in my whole life i guess, and today i realised how easily i can talk with him. about well, pratically anything. and he remembers things i've said in the past (: so yah. he made me laugh lots today. and i owe it to him (: cause i haven't laughed so much in days. he showed me a new way to go home (: haha. i think it's faster. is it? i think so (: but all in all, these few days, he's stood by me, cheered me up with his lame aging population thing, and i want to say thank you to him, for all he's done (: thank you eugene (: it was the most enjoyable trip back home from school in my whole entire life (:

-spare a thought for his feelings, put yourself in his shoes pls-

its not that easy to just forget. i want to, it's such a tramau to me. it's a nightmare. imagine yourself in my shoes. how would you feel. i feel so violated. and you will never know how that feels. i cried, while he did it. will you know how hurt i felt? will you? no one understands, and i don't want anyone to understand how i feel cause it sucks.

yes i still love god, still trust him, but i'm just hurt that he allowed such a thing to happen. i feel so, and for now, i just don't wanna think about it. i'm just gonna leave it, all behind, in the back of my head. cause you know, it hurts. and it's scary. to have nightmares of the same thing happening again and again? it is scary! and no one understands, no one is going through this with me ):

i hate you for hurting me.

i want to say this, to the two special people (:

to bianca;
woman (: i love you darling. and whatever you're going through, i'll be here to help you through it. just share with me (: i won't give the more mature side of it anymore, i'd just shut up and listen. that's what i've learnt. sometimes people listening is so much better than giving you advice. my dear, i thank you for not holding that grudge anymore. i know it must have been so difficult, but i thank you. cause you gave me another chance. i love you.

to cheryl;
rah! thank you for teaching me what to say, for teaching me what to do. thank you for forgiving and forgetting. thank you. cheryl, you are a strong girl (: but strong people have their weak times too, and like what i said last time, i'll always be here for you. don't be afraid to show the sad side, cause everyone is sad once in a while. so it's okay (: i love you.

never get into a love when you meant to break a heart
never look into her eyes when you meant to lie
promises are meant to be kept
wishes are only meant to be fufiled
scars will never heal
hearts are not meant to be played with
lies are only meant to hurt
and sorry is nothing but a word

i hate you

(: thanks joan!

i'll let it all out here. (:

god, i'm gonna let go, and let you have it all. maybe why everything's not been going the way that i deem "right" is cause i'm not looking at it from your point of view. maybe i shouldn't be so selfish in my way of thinking, maybe i should just let go and let god. i should trust that in everything, it's part of your perfect plan. god, my dear father, help me to let go lord. i've been trying to let go, but it's not easy. i know you'd never let me go through it all, so lord, help me learn to let go. many things in your plan are different from what i'd want them to be, but lord, help me to trust in you lord. i give them all to you, lay them all down at your feet, and trust that whatever happens lord, it's all cause it's for the extention of your kingdom. teach me lord, how to let go, and let god. thank you.
lord, i thank you so much lord, for the friends you've put in my life. many people come and go, but you've put these special people here to encourage me. thank you. you've put firstly, joan here lord. i need to thank you so much for such a beautiful woman (: god in heaven, you've put this wonderful person here to love me, understand me, and the words she say lord, they never fail to touch my heart. things she say, have never failed to make me realise the goodness that you have given me. and lord, she's such a beautiful person, that i pray lord, that you bless her lord. for she has loved me, like how you would. god, in all that i've been through you've placed her in my life, to help me through it. giving me the support and love i need. lord, without her, i don't know where's i be. lord, love her, bless her. give her what she needs lord, cause she's given so unselfishly. i thank you lord, for such a wonderful sister in christ (:
lord, next i would like to thank you for irwin lord. yes, lord i know he's not good in his words, and sometimes i can't help but get angry with him, but lord, his words of encouragement always never fail to cheer me up. lord, he's always been such a friend, to talk to me when i' m down, and when i'm happy lord, he never fails to make me laugh even more. and lord, such a friend, where do i find? i thank you lord, for letting me know this friend, for being able to know him in such a special way. he's a special guy, with many talents lord, and use him lord, in a way that no one could ever think of. i thank you for him, my dear nephew. and i wish lord, that you'll bring him back to you, help him love you more and more, to learn to rely on you like never before. thank you lord, for such a wonderful nephew (:
another person now, i'd like to thank you for lord, is jared. lord, i thank you for such a wonderful friend who would call me and talk to me when i'm bored, when i'm down. thank you lord for such a humorous friend lord, who would make me laugh till i cry. i thank you lord. thank you lord for him, cause lord, he knows me well lord. without me having to say much, he understands. i thank you lord, cause he's such a marvolous person. that no one is really like him. he's a real blessing to me, to my life. lord, i thank you for him. take control of his life lord, whatever bumpy roads he's going through now, take control of his wheel lord, and let him know you're in control of everything. let him know you're always there for him, and that if he needs someone, he can always come to me.
malcolm, lord i'd like to thank you for him though we're not that close lord, you've placed him in my life. you've placed him in my life to get me through that time lord, when everything seemed wrong. he was such a conforter, such a good friend. though lord, we're not close anymore, or never was to start with, bless him lord, in everything he does. that in his walk with you, nothing would go wrong. lord, keep him in your arms, and love him, like no one has loved him before. be so real to him lord, take care of him lord.
geraldine, oh god, please bless her lord. what a blessing she has been to others, how she's been there to support, love unconditionally, and give her life to you. lord, she comes from a broken home lord, so be her father lord, be so real to her. cause lord, without a father, the loss in her heart lord, replace her earthly's father love with yours lord. sometimes she cries so bad in church and i don't know what to say. lord, be there to speak to her lord. she's such a special person lord, someone who will insist on someone feeding her, be real to her lord. bless her in abundance, for all the things she's done in your name lord, bless her. be just so real to her.
many more people i want to thank, but in my heart, these are the main people i find so special. such a wonder to me. and i pray god, that you bless them and through it all, be there with them (: amen

joan darling (: it's not easy to trust someone who's doing this to you, i know. she's making you think you like him and at the same time trying to get him to like you. darling, i know how it feels. i'm not saying she's right, but accept her. she has her inadequeties, however you spell that. you're her friend joan, if you won't help her change, who would? joan, you are put in her life for a reason, there's a reason why you're a part of her life. find out what that reason is, fufil that reason, and after you do, you can leave. but before you fufil that reason, you can't leave. cause what if you're the only person who would do so much for her? what if you're the only person who could change her? (: it's tiring, it's hurting, but joan if you need help with her, i'm always here. i remember you said you love sun rise and sun set. that they have something that really attract you to them, that they are such beautiful things. well joan, sun rise, look at it, that after a long bleak black night, the sun will come out, it has to (: and like the pic, it may be blocked by something so you can't see it, but joan, hold on that little while more and you'll see the whole round sun (: shining right at your butt! (: joan, i'll always be here, for you. <3 i just wish time could rewind to the time when we could talk 2 hours straight ):

i wanna stop thinking, stop thinking about everything. but why can't i?

i want to say this

















i am no longer the same person that i was in the past, get that in your head.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, and I cannot help but feel so afraid. Water, heights, homework, school, these are the normal things that people are normally afraid of, but what I’ve come to realize is I’m not afraid of all these physical things but I’m afraid of losing those I love, and when I do think about times when I lose them, I cannot help but cry, it’s really so scary.

You may think that dying and living is something of the natural cycle, well. That’s the scary thing. There’s nothing we can do to stop this cycle. It’s true that I fear the unknown, I fear life without them around, what will it be like? Would it be the same? Would it be so different? It’s never really the same without people who are a part of your life around; it’ll never really be the same now, would it? The special things that each of them do, the unique language that each of them speak. And without them being around, no one is really like anyone of them so won’t things be different no matter what?

People ask us to look at the bright side of life, or rather, to look at the bright side of death. They say that: “well, their suffering on earth has ended, they are much happier in heaven, at least they don’t have to face this cruel world.” Things like that, they say it. true, their suffering has ended, but the pain they leave in our hearts, those whom love them, won’t it be eternal without them?

It may be a selfish thinking of mine, but isn’t it sad that we will be stuck in this world without them one day? Easier said than done, move on. I can’t imagine a day without anyone I love.

Gong gong, the day you went away, things have never really been the same. I miss you, so much that words can’t describe. No one would ever take up my hand and rub it against his poky moustache anymore. No one would take my hand and put it over his thigh during car rides anymore. No one would bring me to the supermarket and spend $100+ on my snacks. No one would ever say that I’m his favorite granddaughter anymore. And yes, I know this in my heart, that when you died, your suffering ended, when you died, you felt no more pain. But yet sometimes I get angry, childish I know, but how could you just leave without letting me say goodbye. How could you leave without me getting to kiss you for the last time? How could you just leave like that, without waiting for me? Many regrets I have, and it’s cause you didn’t wait for me. Was it that hard to wait for that 10 mins? Was it? I miss you, so much. And life’s not the same, no matter how much I want it to be. And during those times when I think of you, I will start to cry, cause I love you, and although I never had a chance to tell you this, you are my favorite gong gong too. I love you. no matter how hard I try to accept the fact you’ve been gone for two years, I can’t. I just don’t want to let go of you. I want you to forever be in my life, forever be that part of me. I just refuse to accept it that you’re gone, cause it’ll be too painful a realization.

If one day anyone were to go away, I’ll be lost.

I can’t imagine a day without you. Though you’re not gone, you’re still with me everyday now, I can’t imagine. I can’t imagine how I survived those 66 days without you, before you came into this world. Now, when I’ve found out so much about you that I didn’t know, I’m scared and hurt. What if one day I lost you? What would I become? I don’t wish to think about it, I’ve been trying to not think about it, but I just do. I can’t help but worry and think about you. I know you’re no longer smoking, but I just really can’t help but worry. I look at how many people have kicked the habit, but go back to it cause they can’t take some pressure, and I just worry. Would you go back to it too? I used to hate smokers, I can say I did. And when I found out that you used to be one, there was just this confusion. Confused on why you would do such a thing. Why, why harm yourself. I used to be afraid that I’ll lose you to those stupid drugs. But now, I’m worried I’ll lose you cause I’m just too worried. It may not make sense, but losing you is really the last thing I’d want to do. Who would be there to tell me his everyday life? Who would be there to support me when I was down? Who would be there to hold my hand and kiss it? Who? No one has ever loved me the way you do, and I’ve never loved anyone as much as you. I don’t want to imagine a day without you, cause it’s scary, and I’m scared.

It’s kinda true, that people only treasure what they used to have once their gone. That’s what happened, and I’m not going to regret anymore. I am going to treasure you like tomorrow’s the last day we have together. That’s how I’m going to treasure you, cause I love you.

-a compo i wrote-

i want back my nice pleasent dreams ):

i woke up at 3 and i couldn't get back to sleep -.- argh, at the rate this is going, i'm so really gonna die. oh well (:

since my dear eugene ho knows this blog, i shall take this opportunity to thank him for buying my first $30 worth of coupons (: THANK YOU EUGENE (x oh and if you're wondering, it's for nygh funfair, open to public, on first july, saturday,9-3. so if you're interested to come, don't hestitate to find me to buy your tickets because i still have $170 to clear -.- so pls! help (x

and, joan (: rah, nice story (: haha. and where's the happy post! i wanna see the happy post (x

and, irwin my dear dearest nephew (: DUH, i know you can see it if you copy and paste, that's why i said don't bother! haiyo, some people ah, don't understand english. xiao yi must go get you a english tutor already (: haha. you protect him huh. wellll, i think, i think he'll be fine (: yeah. ahah. one point why xiao yi zui teng ni, cause you are willing to protect him for me (: thank you nephew! (: ilu, bnits

what am i feeling? i also don't know (:

i shall conclude this, jealously is a very potent poison. yep.

one minute without your voice and i'm worried, gosh, what's gonna happen to me.

i appreciate your efforts dear (: i know it aine't easy to give it up like that, and i'm not asking for perfection all the time, cause dear, like you said, no one's perfect anyway. i just want you to try your best to keep your word (: thank you dear, for giving up so much for me, for changing so much for me. but dear, don't change too much, for when i gave you my heart, it was the person i knew right from the start. although it may not be a perfect guy, but that's the guy i loved (:

i miss you joan ((:

never knew you changed so much for me, never knew you stoped being a playboy, never even knew you were one to start with. never knew your temper went down cause of me, never knew that you stopped using valgarities because of me, never knew you stopped fighting cause of me, never knew you stopped smoking cause of me, never knew that you stopped acting gangster cause of me. and well, i am gald you have changed for the better. but i just want you to know, be who you are, cause i love you, just the way you are.

if you're trying to read what's written below, don't bother (:

it's hard to trust you already. you said you stop fighting, i mean i was glad, i really was. but yet, i didn't know if one day you'd just say again, eh darling don't be angry ah, but i still fight. i don't wanna get my hopes up too high. i love you, and when you said you smoke, my heart ached, cause of the harm you did to yourself. i don't understand dear, why did you go into it. and now i worry everyday, what if one day you go back to it? what if one day you take drugs. and all i can do is say that silent prayer, to hope that you won't, to pray that no one will tempt you, and you won't be pressured by the people in your school. every morning, i'd get up and say that silent prayer for you. i've been having nightmares since that day i knew, that one day you'd die leaving me alone. and it's really scary, i wake up and i cry. i know you've stopped, and i'm supposed to trust that you'd never go back to it again, but it's really scary to me. and i just have this real fear, that one day you'd go back to it. and it makes me think over and over again, what if one day you were to go back to smoking, what would happen? could i still make myself hug you and kiss you? i don't know, it's hard, and i'm feeling very tired. i can't sleep, cause of all the nightmares, and with this hectic week. darling, i really hope you keep your promise, cause it really matters alot to me. i love you and i don't want to lose you, not to anything, especially to drugs. baby, just look at me in the eye, and i can say you're beautiful, without having to be cool, without having to smoke, you're a beautiful kid to me and it's never gonna change. so pls darling, don't go into it again, cause i love you.

alot's been going on in my mind lately, and i sometimes also just wish i could stop thinking altogether.

why won't you believe me when i say i'm sorry?

why wouldn't you tell me. why could you tell everyone but me? if i hadn't went to find out, would i be kept in the dark forever? i just wish you'd trust me more. just trust me that i won't leave you. trust me dear, trust me.

i'm going out with them for once, in such a long time, and i'm not afriad to say i'm scared. i just, am freaked out. gah, what should i do. i just hope, she forgives me. i hope pray (:

was it right to do that?

spent time alone with you, i guess that's all i needed (:

i was talking to my tuition teacher about you today, and i guess i sort of told her everything.

she didn't advice me much, cause she has been with me since i was P1, and she knows me inside out, cause i tell her almost everything. all she said was, if you feel you really love him, then anything will be worth it. and i guess it's true. and she said, somethings you can control, somethings you will never be able to control, and those things you can't control, you just have to let it go the way it wants to, the way that it naturally flows, even if it's not the way you want it to flow to. i guess what she said is right. i guess so. (: i'm not in the mood for caring now a days. i guess i'm becoming lazy =/ oh well.

i didn't wish for this friendship to turn out this way. i didn't mean to make it to this state. and i'm trying real hard, but will you all let me say what i wanna? i really treasure this friendship of ours, but i just don't know how to bring it back again. i wanna try, i am trying, but i just feel tired. i, want back our friendship, i really want it back. but no matter what i do, i feel so stupid. cause i don't know if it'll displease you anot. and i don't know just what to do. i want to be myself, yet, sometimes myself, you hate her. i don't know what to do anymore. just give me a chance won't you?

this is my cry, my one desire. just to be where you are lord, now and forever. it's more than a song. it's my desire. it's to be with you, it's to be with you. lord, won't you see it lord? i'm trying so hard. i've prayed, prayed every night, begging you to come fill me again, that i can go in your name again. lord, i'm trying so hard, i feel so utterly helpless lord. i believe you will and lord, pls come quick, cause i'm drying up. i just feel all so tired all over again. it really is my one desire to be with you, now and forever lord, NOW, and forever. let me be with you won't you? i need you more than ever now. i don't know why i need you, there's no reason, i guess cause there's no reason, that i need a reason lord, which is you. come lord, pls. i'm begging you. i'll get down on my knees to pray tonight. i will. no matter how long it's gonna take, i'm gonna wait lord. cause lord, i need you. won't you pls, pls come and help me. reading your word helps me, it does but lord i need to see you in person, feel your heartbeat lord. it may be too much to ask for lord, knowing that i sin, but pls lord, i come before you with a humble heart, and plea that you come and touch me once again. i need you, i need you lord. i'm desperate. i really am deserpate now. pls lord. i beleive in you, you can't let me down. you just can't. cause you said you'll never let me down. lord, i love you, i love you, i love you. oh so much. thank you lord for dying for me. thank you for everything. thank you for giving me all that i have, even the breath i'm breathing now. thank you lord for not giving up on me when i gave up on you. thank you lord for seeing my through all of it. thank you. lord, just touch me once again. i'm dying spiritually. and i.. i just need you lord. you said you'll never let me go through it all, through the season you'll be there with me. not only in summer, but in winter as well. and lord, i claim upon that promise. i claim upon it! lord, be here for me. pls. i just need the strength you gave me when i was down in the past, i just need the love i had for others in the past, i just need the understanding i never had, i just need the wisdom that i never once had, i just need your love lord. and to sum all those up, i need you. i need you back in my life. i need the childlike faith i once had. to believe that once i pray lord, you'll do it. i remember, i used to pray that you'd stop the rain, and i really believe you would. and even when it still rained, i'd say you heard me but others were just praying that it would rain. that's why it rained. and so lord, give me back that childlike faith. cause i need it. i'm in need lord. cause i'm so imperfect. so incomplete. lord i love you, really lord, i do. and i just want you to know that. joan told me to read those verses, and i did. don't doubt me, cause i'll hurt like how peter did. i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you. i'll say it more than the number of times you ask me if i love you. cause i know lord, i love you, more than anything else. lord, hear my cry. amen

oh yah. i forgot to say this, eh joan heard about your hw stress =/ i know it sucks, if you need someone to do hw with you, i'm just a call away (x yep yep. i'm very free anyway -.- ahaha. so anything, just a call (x i'm a good companion in hw you know! i can pei you and do (: and i am smart, so i can help you (x heh (: yep yep. so anything just call me and let me know (:

take me somewhere where we'll be alone.
take me somewhere where it'll be just us.
take me somewhere where it's just silence.
take me somewhere where i can hear your heartbeat.

i just want time alone with you.
is that too much to ask for.
you can give it to your friends,
but why not me.

all i ask is for some time.
save your gifts, your fancy talk.
all i ask is for some time.
save all your money, your big fade shows.

i just want time with you alone.
is that just too much for you to give?
baby, i love you.
and all i ask for is time with you.

pls, just give me that time

HAPPY SECOND MONTH BABY (x

150406 (: it's MY date (x aahah. i guess i'm supposed to dedicate a post to you today, but i don't know what to say, considering i post about you almost everyday -.- and it's not like you'll be reading it, so oh well (:

err, thank you irwin for trying to cheer me up today (: but gah, you didn't exactly suceed (x heh. you don't give up okay! that sec one guy will never be better than by nephew (x never ever. cause i say so (: i love you wai sheng (:

this is just random, so nothing much to worry about it.
// i just wish you'd shut up sometimes and listen to me. just damn it listen to how i feel and what i want. i wish you'd realise it's not all about you, and sometimes i want my attention i deserve too. damn it

i cry, cause you didn't even bother to call me today ):

today was a good day (x

for one, i got myself a new nephew (x no more shan jiejie le, it's called leong nephew (x whoo hoo, i love you nephew (x ahaha. (:

joan, i enjoyed myself today, sitting with you just there alone with no one else. and it really helped when we threw the sand together (: at least i knew i wasn't alone. and thank you girl, for the hug you gave (x i love you babe. and eh, you're a good ball player (: or rather brocolli player (x haha. all in all, i just needed that time alone with you, although we didn't say much, i guess that's all i needed (: thank you girl.

((: although it was just five mins before i had to go, well, at least we spend time together alone (: guess the stars were really pretty tonight (: and yeah, all i really need is time alone with you, with no one else around, cause when people are around you just seem like a totally different person from the person i do know. yeah, i love you. and i guess it took you courage, but i love your kisses too (x eh, i just wish you'd be yourself even when others are around. cause, there's nothing about you not to love (: oh yah, thanks for helping me up that rock -.- heh, i don't think i could have made it up without you (: and eh, i just love you lah (: so much

and malcolm and huida (: whoo, i love you two man (: thanks for err, entertaining me (x heh, and giving in to me in that spoon thingy. ahaha. (x love you guys to bits (:

yeah, see, what a nice day (: i just wish now, that i could take all the hurt away, from you babe (: make you feel once again, but yet i don't know how. don't push me away, cause i wanna be there for you, like how you were always, yes always there for me (: thinking back, if you were to respond to my sms that time, i guess it wouldn't have helped me much either. all i needed was someone to care (: and i knew, in my heart you did, so you did help me then (x we'll take down the bricks together one by one.throwing them far far away from us (: together, one by one, someday we'll suceed (: we will, i promise (:

i love you all, nephew, joan, malcolm, huida, oswald. all of you (x

http://artpad.art.com/gallery/?j0txyh9kcj0

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thanks hanwen kor (:

i guess i just needed someone to be there for me like how i was for them (: and thanks hanwen for your email, although it didn't really say how to solve it, didn't really help me in that matter, but it touched my heart. it did. thank you for taking that time to cheer me up. i haven't always been a nice mei to you, never really talked much to you, never really helped you, but you were there for me yesterday. thanks so much kor. and well, i've learnt how to appreciate things in life that i have never ever did before (: thanks kor (:

tried to sleep at 10 last night, ended up sleeping at 12 cause i couldn't. i had lots of time to think, think about everything. i guess we both have been trying so hard. both of us. not only me i guess. and we both need different things to assure us. i don't know what yours may be, but sometimes i just need that words of reassuance, which you don't give, which you never gave. and sometimes, i try to look for other ways to reassure myself, i try to lie to myself. so i guess last night i sort of saw through my own lie. and i broke. i love you, and when i say it it's not just words, i mean it from the bottom of my heart. i hate myself for loving you so much. i saw this on tv, and i quickly saved it, it says: i cry for you, laugh for you, live for you cause you are the centre of my universe. i love you baby, no matter what, no matter where, no matter when. forever and ever <3

i feel so alone, like no one really cares. like no one will be there for me, like how i've always tried to be there for them. and no matter how hard i try, nothing pays off anymore ): what's with this world. i guess it's me and my mood swings. i don't know. i, i feel like giving up. but i can't. knowing how i comfort people, i can't give up i guess.

)):

you know, i really put alot of effort into this relationship. i really do. considering and comparing it to the past experiences. i can say this from the bottom of my heart, i put in the most effort into this relationship, try to keep it going, try not to quit, try not to get hurt, try to be there for you no matter what i'm feeling. and now, i can't help but feel so tired, tried.

you can't even remember the date we got together. it doesn't matter if i say it here, cause you can't even be bothered to read it. baby, how can you not remember. i promted you, made it so obvious, but still you didn't get it. any idea how hurting it is? i made it oh so very obvious. and after i said it was our day, you just said, oh sorry, i forgot. i don't know, but i guess it shows how important this day is to you.

you know, this is not the only thing that hurt me. on saturday, yes i know your parents were there, i already kept my distance from you. but, i just don't understand why can't you be confident of me? when i laughed, you scolded. what do you want from me. do you want me to be this quiet, guai girl? well, sorry cause i'm not all that. you may never feel this way, but if one day you were to ever meet my parents, i'll want you to be yourself, and tell you this "baby, don't worry. i'm sure they'll love you. not cause they're easy going, not cause they're nice people, but cause i have confidence in you. i know they'll love you cause you are you" maybe i'm not all that perfect to you, i don't know. i'm trying, so hard.

i really feel like giving up. so bad. cause it's not working, and you don't even seem to appreciate it ):

we were the reaon (:

As little children, we would dream of Christmas morn
And all the gifts and toys we knew we'd find
But we never realised a baby born one blessed night
Gave us the greatest gift of our lives

We were the reason that He gave his life
We were the reason that He suffered and died
To a world that was lost He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live

I've finally found the reason for living
It's in giving every part of my heart to Him
In all that I do, every word that I say
I'll be giving my all just for Him, for Him And

We were the reason that He gave his life
We were the reason that He suffered and died
To a world that was lost He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live

He is my reason to live.

if you want me to

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I dont know the reason why you brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I will go through the valley If You want me to

Now I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
I will go through the fire If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my own
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to

this love

I've seen that look a million times
Disenchanted eyes
You don't have to say a word
I know it's love you doubt, but you're lost without it

You hope for one glimpse of heaven
You pray for a sign
But I know where all is forgiven
Let's go where we know love is alive

This love can change a life forever
The only way to start is giving Him our hearts, yeah
His love will piece us back together
This is the way it's our road to freedom

So don't underestimate God's love
It's power to heal
Come take a drink form the fountain
Let's go where we know love is alive

this love, for you joan (:

that's all for today (:

i love you god (: cause you have proved yourself faithful. faithful through the storms, when the waves came crashing over me. you have been through it all with me, thick and thin. never leaving me, never forsaking me. and lord, for that i thank you. thank you for loving somone as unworthy of your love, as me. i love you more than anything

i cry not cause they will have to break up but because of what made them break up. it's not cause the love has gone, it's not cause one cheated on the other, but it's cause of this world. this cruel world. they have to break up cause of their education, what kind of thing is that. so what if he only graduated from poly. what they have is true love. true, how can they be broken up for that true love?

why does this world measure everything by education? why can't it be by character? why can't it be, the better the person you are, the more money you earn, the meaner the person you are, the less money you earn? why can't it be this way? if it were done this way, it'd be so much more fair. some people were born not so smart, and so does this mean that they are going to be pulled down by that fact forever? it's not fair. why does education mean everything in this world. why can't character be ):

i love you even if you're in normal aced. i love you even if you are going to earn nothing in the future. i love you even if we will be the poorest people on the earth. i love you even if next time we hold jobs that this world calls pathetic. i love you, cause of your character not because of your education or anythng else. i love you cause of your character (: love you baby

I don’t know how to put this, I feel so bad. So utterly bad that I have failed you time and time again. I let go of “us” just cause I couldn’t stand up to a little testing from others. I let go of “us” just cause I couldn’t take it. I let go of “us” just cause I was too weak. I didn’t even think about your feelings. I’m sorry. And today I was thinking what a joy you have been to have, the many things you did for me. and then, I started to think of what I have done for you, just what have I done for you. and I was stuck. I couldn’t think of anything. Except for breaking your heart time and time again, what have I done for you, to make you happy? No, I couldn’t think of anything. I always wanted people to make you happy for me, I could tell them what to do, but when it comes to myself, I don’t know how to make you happy. I don’t know. All I really do now, is just to listen to you everyday. On what’s in your life, but why can’t I do something more for you. I want to be that person who will cheer you up, but how. I don’t know. You do it so easily for me, but yet I can’t do it for you ): I’m sorry. And maybe that’s why I don’t feel secure. Cause I know what a failure I’ve been as a stead. And well, now I shall take the courage and say, that if one day you can find someone who can make you happier, then I will willingly let you go, cause I just want you to be nothing more than happy.

Sometimes, I just want to spend time alone with you, just you and me. with no one else around. Maybe it’ll be scary for both of us, maybe it won’t. but I just want to be with you and no one else for once. It may not be possible given both our strict parents, but hey, one day I’ll try to make it possible. One day I will. Where it’ll be just you and me and no one will be able to say what you are or what I am, where no one will say what influence we’ll have on each other, where no one can say anything about us. Cause it’ll just be you and me (:

I just want to say that I’m sorry, cause I have no way of making you happy. But I just want you to know, that deep inside my heart, I really do want you to be happy above any other thing. Seeing you smile, hearing you laugh, is something I treasure so much, the most prized thing I can ever have, is the memory of your smile, the recording of your laughter (:

ahaha i have something to show off (x something shan jiejie (irwin) wrote about me (:


*- ` : _ - but why do they seem so hard to let go sometimes? zzz. says:
lols.
*- ` : _ - but why do they seem so hard to let go sometimes? zzz. says:
k larhs
*- ` : _ - but why do they seem so hard to let go sometimes? zzz. says:
honestly.
*- ` : _ - but why do they seem so hard to let go sometimes? zzz. says:
you're nice.
*- ` : _ - but why do they seem so hard to let go sometimes? zzz. says:
sweet.
*- ` : _ - but why do they seem so hard to let go sometimes? zzz. says:
caring.
*- ` : _ - but why do they seem so hard to let go sometimes? zzz. says:
fun-loving.
*- ` : _ - but why do they seem so hard to let go sometimes? zzz. says:
crappy
*- ` : _ - but why do they seem so hard to let go sometimes? zzz. says:
cheerful
*- ` : _ - but why do they seem so hard to let go sometimes? zzz. says:
(:
*- ` : _ - but why do they seem so hard to let go sometimes? zzz. says:
i missed out some points of you
*- ` : _ - but why do they seem so hard to let go sometimes? zzz. says:
you're also..
*- ` : _ - but why do they seem so hard to let go sometimes? zzz. says:
retarded
*- ` : _ - but why do they seem so hard to let go sometimes? zzz. says:
hyper
*- ` : _ - but why do they seem so hard to let go sometimes? zzz. says:
crazy.
*- ` : _ - but why do they seem so hard to let go sometimes? zzz. says:
(:

i love my shan jiejie lah (: so uber cute (x haha but not in that way hor (: thanks shan jiejie for saying such nice things about me. you are such a great guy! i am so impressed by your talent in making me hyper! haha. thanks shan jiejie (x

God's Answers

It's impossible = All things are possible (Luke, 18;27)

I'm too tired = I will give you rest (Matt, 11:28-30)

Nobody really loves me = I love you (John, 3:16)

I can't go on = My grace is sufficient (II Cor, 12:19)

I can't figure things out = I will direct your steps (Prov, 20:24)

I can't do it = You can do all things (Phil, 4:13)

I'm not able = I am able (II Cor, 9:8)

It's not worth it = It will be worth it (Rom, 8:1)

I can't forgive myself = I forgive you (IJn, 1:9 & Rom, 8:1)

I can't manage = I will supply all your needs (Phil, 4:19)

I'm afraid = I have not given you a spirit of fear (IITim, 1:7)

I'm always worried and frustrated = Cast all your cares on Me (IPet, 5:7)

I don't have enough faith = I've given everyone a measure of faith (Rom, 12:8)

I'm not smart enough = I give you wisdom (ICor, 1:30)

I feel all alone = I will never leave you or forsake you (Heb, 13:5)

yes, there are the answers (:

quotes that got me through the times that were oh-so-tough (:

If you judge people, you have no time to love them (:

If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them (:

Best friends are better than boyfriends ((: ps. no offence dear (x

You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back (:

A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words (:

The only way to have a friend is to be one (:

For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it. For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it. For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it (:

The truth isn't always beauty, but the hunger for it is. (:

When people are asked to remember a person who meant a lot to them in life — a teacher, a friend, a parent, a grandparent — they usually remember a person who really cared and understood them. (:

The more care you put into your life, the more life will care for you, bringing you fun adventures, great friends, and real inner security. Caring is just good streetsense — So, Judge less and unstress, Care more and high score. (:

Too often we under estimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. (:

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. (:

You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when. You can only decide how you're going to live. Now. (:

The greatest test of courage on the earth is to bear defeat without losing heart. (:

God will not look you over for medals, degrees, or diplomas, but for scars. (:

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved. (:

Once we realize that imperfect understanding is the human condition, there is no shame in being wrong, only in failing to correct our mistakes. (:

Never let the fear of striking out get in your way. (:

Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. (:

You don't face your fears, you stand up to them. (:

Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the conquest of it. (:

When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free. (:

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was YOU. (:

There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness. (:

If you get up one more time than you fall, you will make it through. (:

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. (:

Love the heart that hurts you, but never hurt the heart that loves you. (:

True love does not come by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. (:

Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile. (:

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. (:

Loves conquers all things except poverty and toothache. (:

Don't forget to love yourself. (:

It is not how much you do, but how much Love you put into the doing that matters. (:

We can do no great things; only small things with great love. (:

to my dear people whom i call my friends;
May you find serenity and tranquility in a world you may not always understand. May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism. Always know that there are those whose love and understanding will always be there, even when you feel most alone. May you discover enough goodness in others to believe in a world of peace. May a kind word, a reassuring touch, and a warm smile be yours every day of your life, and may you give these gifts as well as receive them. Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending. Teach love to those who hate, and let that love embrace you as you go out into the world. May the teachings of those you admire become part of you, so that you may call upon them. Remember, those whose lives you have touched and whose have touched yours are always a part of you, even if the encounters were less than you would have wished. It is the content of the encounter that is more important than the form. May you not become too concerned with material matters, but instead place immeasurable value on the goodness in your heart. Find time each day to see beauty and love in the world around you. Realize that each person has limitless abilities, but each of us is different in our own way. What you feel you lack in the present may become one of your strengths in the future. May you see your future as one filled with promise and possibility. Learn to view everything as a worthwhile experience. May you find enough inner strength to determine your own worth by yourself, and not be dependent on another's judgment of your accomplishments. May you always feel loved.

i am angry.

you take me like your servants. when you need me to play a game, just cause you need four players, you beg me. and when i say i don't feel like playing, you accuse me of being a sore loser. you say i'm stupid. but ever thought about it this way? when you don't need four players, and i want to play, you never let me play. how would you feel? it's like i'm just your spare tyre. for you to use at your whim and fancy. well, i shall say this, i'm not your spare tyre. i'm not. so accept it (: thankyouverymuch

okay i wanted to blog about teens (:
i read a book while my mum and i were stuck in church waiting for my bros to finish their english tuition. and we talked, talked about love. not bgr that kinda love, but love between parents and their kids i guess. talked about the love languages. and i realised, well mine is words, affirmation and actions. i guess i am born to need people to tell me what they feel, tell me how much i mean to them, tell me how important i am. kind of childish, but i was born this way i guess (: and actions, i can't stand people who just talk without doing anything. when you promise me you'd do soemthing, do it (: cause if not i'll be angry (: yeah, that's why actions do matter. cause actions are most imporant than words now, aren't they. yep (: and so that's my love language.
you know, my mom said something, which i find it to be so true. we, tend to wallow ourselves in self pity. we expect that the world stop for us when we're sad, we expect people to be sad when we're sad, we expect them to be so affected by our moods. and well, the painful truth is that most of the time that's not the case. and when we feel "let down" that they don't react they way we expect them to, it makes us more sad. and this is just such a vicious cycle that we put ourselves into, something we don't even have to be in. we tend to look at the negative side of things. we tend to make that one thing that is going wrong seem connected to everything in our life. we make ourselves seem so pathetic and hope by doing so everyone will give us their attention. but hey, not everyone really cares, and that's the stupid truth. so i have learnt, if that one thing is going wrong, it's an oppurtunity to learn, to learn from your mistake, to never ever do it again. and if things go right, hey, well done (: cause you got it right the first time. but don't let that one failure stop you cause if that does, you are not gonna survive this life cause this life is going to put you through so many failures. you've gotta learn how to stand up on your feet yourself. it's true that people do care about you, but you can't expect them to be there forever. lean on yourself (: lean on god. cause no one else is more dependable. he will never let you down, ever.

great is thy faithfulness
o god my father
there is no shadow of
turning with thee
thou changest not
thy compassion, they fail not
as thou hast been
thou forever will be

great is thy faithfulness
great is thy faithfulness
morning by morning
new mercies i see
all i have needed
thy hand hath provided
great is thy faithfulness
lord, unto me

summer and winter
and spring time and harvest
sun, moon and star
in their courses above
join with all nature
in manifold witness
to thy great faithfulness
mercy and love

pardon for sin
and a peace that endureth
thy own dear presence
thy own dear presence
to cheer and to guide
strength for today
and bright hope for tomorrow
blessings all mine
with ten thousand beside

there you go (: a nice song to assure you, god is always and forever with you (:

and one more thing, nothing's gonna change my love for you oswald (:

hiayo joan my dear ah (: why become so sad again ): see la, make me sad.

you can't feel it? i shall show it to you (: the warmth and the love i found, and i'm sure you'll see it too (:

this world seems unfeeling, oh-so-cold, and well, everyone is so caught up, with no one but themselves. isn't that so true? but hey, open your eyes just a little wider (: and you'll see, that, well joan, there's so much more to this world than it's appearence. warmth and love, is not something that has to be oh-so-big, neither does it have to be something so complicated. you know, i remember you once said, an sms from him in the morn does make a difference. and well, i don't know, but maybe, just maybe that's warmth. cause everyday new day, every day, every time i feel down, his voice is always there to cheer me up, and give me a warmth in my heart, cause i know he's alright (: see, warmth isn't that complicated after all. my dear, you have many things i have lost. you have your friends (: their every word to you, they're every i love you, joan, they mean it. although it may have no more meaning to you, they mean it (: and when they say i love you to you, they mean it (: that's love baby (: when you go into class every morning, when they say "morning joan!" or when you were away, those tags on your boards, hey, we both saw it all. and well, that's love babe (: that's love. it doesn't have to be so big, that you get so moved, but if you look with a loving heart, these things are actions of love (: and hey, what's love! you tell me about it. you used to say how'd he keep his promises, how'd he always be there and just to wait for him. well, he died for you and me (: what greater love can there be that a man lay down his life for me (: you know? he loves you joan, so much more than you can imagine. when you're down, he's gonna pick you up. when you're dry he's gonna fill your cup (: he loves you even if your hair is messy, even if your make up runs. he loves you even when your clothes don't match, even if one day you become the ugliest person on earth (nah, you won't), he'll still be your oh so loving abba father (: forever there for you, to listen and to guide you. gosh, that's love (: that he'd never give up on us, no matter how many times we've given up on him.

your i love you may mean nothing, but hey, mine does. and when i said i love you, i mean it (: i told you right joan, i love you last night (: and i shall tell you what i mean when i say it (:

why i mean it when i say i love joan;
i mean it, cause she first learnt how to love me (:
i mean it, cause she first was there to listen, to guide me (:
i mean it, cause she never failed to cheer me up after the tears on saturday (:
i mean it, cause she told me everythng would be okay, and i don't know why, but i believed things would be okay (:
i mean it, cause she's always been such a joy to me, that without her, i don't know where'd i be (:
i mean it, cause she's always been there to encourage me, to never give up, that gave me the strength to hold on (:

what i mean when i say i love joan;
-what i mean is, that when you have any problem, i can't promise i can solve it, but i can promise i'll do my best to do the sums, even if it takes me all my life (:
-what i mean is, when you're down, don't hide it from me, afraid that it'd make me upset myself, but share it with me, cause i can't promise i can make the sadness go away, but i can promise that i'd understand, i promise that i would share your pain (:
-what i mean is, if one day, everyone gives up on you, if one day everyone despises you, i'll be there to stand up for you and pull you back up cause i love you (:
-what i mean is, if one day you do something not right, i'll not hestitate but tell you, not cause i want to hurt you, but cause i love you and i don't want you to get hurt in the end (:
-what i mean is, when you look your worst, when you look like some kinda freaky person, when everyone gives you that wierd look, i'll bring you to public, and there, i'll say it out loud, i love joan! cause i love you for your inside (:
-what i mean is, that i'll always be here for you, even when i'm down, even when i'm happy. i'll always be here to listen to your joy, listen to the stories of your gay friends, listen to how your day was, listen to your accomplishments, listen to your dissapointments, cause hey, i love you and i want to be a part of your life (:
-what i mean is, if one day you're un-confident of yourself, i will be confident of you cause i know, i know what a great person you are. and if one day you were to doubt that yourself, i'll shake you, hug you, and tell you straight in the eye, what a wonderful person you are and always will be (:
-what i mean is, i'll share with you my darkest deepest secrets, cause hey i love you and i want you to know what's going on in my mind (:
-what i mean is...

if i were to go on, it'd take forever (: cause joan, love can't be written in words (: you gotta understand that. no amount of "i love yous" can show love, cause to be truthful they're only words. but what i mean when i say i love you, is that i'm always here for you (:

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH JOAN (:

rah (: i'm feeling happy, so i shall dedicate a post to you!

eh i should say, you've been a great headache, as well, as a great joy (: haha. and why headache you may ask my dear, well, cause you're forever and ever asking for a fight -.- haha. even with the christina. can't imagine if i hadn't pulled you away. be more tolerant lah you! (: control is the key. yeah man. and i know you can do it cause you say you're pro right (: haha. and if one day you can do that, it'll really be my happiest day. you said you'd make me happy till i can't be happier, and that day when i can't be happier will be when you can control (:

and great joy! ((: since i knew you i guess, you were a great joy (: since i saw you on the mrt, you were such a nice person to talk to, so easy to get along with (: although i didn't know you, i could just talk to you, so simple. i didn't feel awkward, i didn't feel ashamed, i felt so.. relaxed (: yeah, that's what you made me feel. and i guess, after i got off the mrt, you were on my mind. saw you in church on sat, and it made me feel like i was the most fortunate girl on this earth. as we got to know each other better, we played stupid games. haha. i remember last year, we played the marrying thing -.- haha. and i scolded you for keep calling me your wife. i scolded you saying that eugene would get angry if he saw. remember? maybe you don't, but i do (: yah, and all these things made us closer friends. and from that closer friends, we drifted apart again cause you had your stead, so i backed off. but well, this year, you had to make me play that marrying game again -.- haha. and we became so much closer than before (: i enjoyed talking to you, i enjoyed your very company on saturday, but yet, i didn't dare go any closer, cause i knew you were in a relationship. and when i heard you wanted to break with her, i shall not mention her name, cause you don't like it, i was so overjoyed. maybe i didn't show it, maybe i tried to encourage you to not break, but in my heart, i was so truly happy. after you broke with her, i guess i didn't feel that bad, like i breaking someone's relationship apart. and i guess sitting with you every saturday made me more attached to you, more glued to you (: that day, 150406, you teared, it pained me so much but yet, i didn't know what i could do. i didn't dare touch you, but i just brushed your hand, trying to say in my way, don't cry, i'm always here. and that night, i guess we got together. still remember i was very grumpy in my grandma's house, but it made me all cheer up. it was the happiest day in my memory. and though it was not easy for me to love you, given some circumstances, i still loved you. cause you were different. you would run in the rain just to see me home (: you would play the guitar for me just before i leave for another coutry. you could tell the difference over the phone whether i was having a flu or i was crying. you could just make me laugh with your stupid racist jokes. you could just make it all just right although at times they weren't. you would take my eeky, full of tears tissue from me and give me another one. you would ask someone to pray for me when you knew i was down. you didnt give up on me, when i gave up on us. you didn't give up on the love, though people pressurized you to do so. you are such a wonderful person (: and we've grown. i've grown too. i've learnt, you taught me, i won't look at the way people look at me, but i'm gonna love you cause you're so special (: and you know, i won't give up on you ever again. cause when i did, my whole world turned upside down. i put shampoo on my body and body wash on my hair 3 times before i got it right. that's what you can do to me my dear. see how imporant you are to me (: you are the only one who can make me unable to sleep that i have to take sleeping pills. you are the only one who can make me smile, like i've never did before. only you can do the things you do, that touch me in such a special way, that well, no one could ever do before. the day you held my hand, you made my heart skip a beat. yeah, now i know how it feels for your heart to skip a beat. you used a sweet wrapper, smart in a way (: when i least expected it, you did it. you made my heart feel so warm, made me feel so loved. you know, the day i cried so badly on sat, your hug, it made me all so much better. i so much wanted to hold on to you and never let you go, but you had to go. i love you so much my dear (: and nothing, yes nothing is gonna tear us apart again.

I LOVE YOU (:

jesus, i try, i try so hard to look at the positive side of life, to look at the positive side of everything. but god, i keep failing. lord, it's not easy and i need you to help me. help me to look beyond the negative things, to see the positive side of it. lord help me. i don't want to live in that shallow pit of self pity anymore, i want to come out of it lord, and i want to be able to smile and show the world, i'm happy cause i have you lord. i want the world to see how strong i'll stand when circumstances come cause i have you. i want the world to see what a wonderful god you are. lord, help me. help me to step out of this shallow pit of self pity. teach me lord, help me out of this pit, so i may see the light, so i may see the light once again.
god you know i try, but i'm afraid, i'm afraid i do it wrongly. one step and everything may just go all wrong again. lord, i pray for the wisdom to know what to say, to know what to do lord. cause i know i'm foolish, i'm not good with relations. lord, so here i am asking that you grant me the wisdom to know what to do and what to say. that i may be an example for you. i need help lord, cause i know lord by myself there's nothing i can do. help me lord. help me through this time, where they have soften their hearts lord, and i just have to say the right things. lord, help me through this. and thank you lord, thank you for making their hate for me subside, thank you. i know it wouldn't have been if not for you, and i thank you. thank you for your forgiveness, thank you for your mercy. i love you lord.
god, when i look up to you, i'm amazed. sincerely amazed. at your works oh god. i look at all these things you have made. you are a perfect god, yet you still love us, the unworthy. you love the unworthy lord. and i thank you. i am going to love people like how you loved me. it's not going to be easy, but lord, for you i will. i will. lord, control this temper of mine lord, give me the peace and serenity that you have lord, that i may have the patience with people. that i won't lose my temper so easily, that i will take the time to listen to what they have to say before scolding them lord. help me.
god, i'm desperate for you. cause without you lord, there's really nothing i can do. nothing at all. thinking of my life, where would i be if not for you. i wouldn't be alive if you hadn't seen my through my op when i was 3. i wouldn't be alive if you hadn't had let grandma see that cancerous thing on my head, and seeing me through the op to cut it off. i wouln't be alive lord, if you hadn't kept me from all the accidents that may have happened but you prevented. but lord, most importantly i wouldn't be alive if you hadn't died for me. lord, i thank you. it must have been so difficult, so difficult to see your son die for us, but yet you willingly gave him to us. thnak you. i love you father.
god, i thank you for oswald. he's such a blessing. thank you for putting him in my life to cheer me up when i'm down. thank you for putting him there in my life to always remind me, how imporant you really are. and though things were tough between me and him, lord you saw us through. thank you lord. thank you for making such a wonderful person, someone who i just couldn't seem to find in the past. thank you lord. thank you for allowing me to meet him, thank you lord for giving us that chance. thank you lord. but lord, teach me to put you before him. teach me lord, for this is something i'm so guilty of. i don't want to live in his light, but yours. i don't want to take you for granted like how i used to lord. pls lord, teach me. i'm such a uneducated person lord, and i need you lord, need you to teach me all these things that i do not know. i here by admit, i'm foolish, i follow the ways of the world, so lord i'm here begging you to teach me how to love you more and more, and to become more and more like you.
god, i thank you for giving me such a great life lord. i know, you didn't promise us a life with no ups and downs, but lord, i know you will be with us through all those downs and ups. you will be there to help us stand back up, you will dry our tears. you will be there to comfort us and understand us when no one does. thank you lord. thank you for your promises. in the tough times lord, remind me, remind me that you're always here with me. teach me how to open my bible and pray. teach me not to be lazy. teach me to always love you. to always trust in you. lord through this life of mine, i pray you use me lord. just use me. i your servent is willing to be used by you. come lord, use me. here i am lord, use me. just come down, tell me what to do. tell me where to go. and i will do it, i will go. lord, with no hesitations, i will go for you. lord, just come and tell me.
lord i pray for the orphans lord. you said, let the little children come to me and i will give them rest. lord, give these children rest lord. and for those who do not know you lord, let then know you lord. cause they are just so innocent, so pityful. lord, you love them, take care of them. when they are just all so alone, so fearful, lord, put your arms around them, tell them you are they're father and you lvoe them. lord, they need you. they really do. i can't imagine what life would be without my paarents, and i don't wish to imagine, but lord, you made them they way they are for a reason, but besides the reason lord, be there for them. just lord, be so real to them. love them lord, like how a father and mother would. lord, be there for them. thank you lord.
amen

i was touched by the sight yesterday (: so touched when i saw 45000 people together praying (: i was touched at how some people can stand so firm, despite the trails god put them through, and that made me feel guilty. and i'm sorry lord.

god, you spoke to me about double minded-ness. and i'm so guilty of it. i'm so sorry lord. you know what i felt, you know what i feel now, but i still have to tell you that i'm terribly sorry. lord, it's not easy to live a single minded life, with just a single eye, but lord, help me. i really want to live for no one, no one else but you. lord, pls take away all the distrctions, all the things that i may have put before you in my life. teach me how to put you first in all situations, in all circumstances, and in all, to always trust and love you. lord, i know i tend to put oswald before you, i tend to put exams before you, i tend to put even my friends before you, and lord, i'm asking you now, to teach me lord, to teach me how to put these aside, and just live for you alone. teach me lord to trust you with the unfailing trust. i look at aunty chris, and i feel so bad. why did i give up on you just because of that little set back i went through, why did i have oh so little faith in you. you put her through this much, and she still loves and trusts you so much. what was i thinking. i'm sorry lord, for doubting your very presence. cause i know, i know lord that you are real, and no matter how i tried to deny in the past, i know that you are real, and i will always trust you, through the good times and the bad. lord, teach me to have that faith in you, to never give up on you, and if one day i ever slip away again, pull me back lord, pull me back into your arms once again. i will always want to be where you are lord, no matter how hard it is. father, give me that love, the love you gave to us, where you first loved us to the extent that you layed your life down for us. give me that love, that i may love others like how you first loved me. lord, it's really hard, hard to love the unlovable, hard to love those you stab you in the back, hard to love those you make life so so hard for you, but lord, teach me, cause i do want to love them. teach me lord, how to really love them. not appearing that i love them, and actally still hating them, but lord, really loving them from the deep bottom of my heart. lord, it seems impossible in this world to love all the unlovable, cause lord there's just too many, but lord you loved me, the unlovable too, so give me the strength, give me the courage to love those who are so hard to love. lord god, pull me back lord, pull me back to that period of time where i loved you so much, where i could just trust you with that childlike faith, where i would just say that you reigned. where i could worship you with both my hands raised and not worry about how others look at me. where i could tell everyone about you, cause i knew that you would minister to them. bring me back to that time lord, when i was so on fire for you. cause lord, i can't seem to find it anymore. i want to love you, i try so hard to, i go for anything possible that may touch my spirit once again, but i can't find it. maybe it's your way of saying wait, testing my patience, but lord, i'm desperate, i'm so desperate for you lord. life seems so empty, life seems meaningless when i can't feel you. i need you lord, now i declare and say this, i love you, i need you. i really need you lord. pls come and fill me up again. i can't help but feel envious when i see joan, how you touched her time and time again, and lord i'm sorry, but i wonder, why can't you do the same for me too? is there something wrong i'm doing that you won't just love me the way you love her? i just want to see you, touch you, hear you very heartbeat. lord, won't you pls concede to this request. i beg you. lord, i know i've sinned, i know that i can come no where near you cause of my sins lord. but you said if we would confess our sins, you would be faithful to forgive them lord. so now, here i am, i confess lord, i've sinned so many times. and i've broken your heart so many times. i'm sorry lord. and now, i mean it from the bottom of my heart. i'm sorry. forgive me lord. cause i just can't live when i feel so far away. i need you more than ever, need you to see me through this tough time. thank you lord.
lord, i pray i hope i ask lord, that nothing more would go wrong. lord, i've learnt. i've learnt the lesson you wanted to instill in me. and lord, i will, i WILL trust you at all times. i won't give up i won't give in. lord, so pls, i don't wish for anymore things to go wrong. i'm just.. i just need a break. just let things run smoothly like how they did in the past. thank you lord.
i pray now lord, for bianca. i know lord, that i may have let her down in some way or another in the past lord, but i really am sorry. teach me lord, how to humble my heart and seek her sincere forgiveness. whatever she may be going through lord, good or bad, let her know that she is always loved, always loved and someone will always believe in her. lord, you know her heart the best, and sometimes, when the world doesn't seem to understand her, lord let her know that you are always there for her. and lord, if she ever needs anyone lord, let her know, in your own way, that i'm always here for her. lord, there were times when we quarreled, there were times when we didn't sound so nice to each other, but lord you know, she was the nicest friend i ever had. and i regret, regret not cherishing her. lord, what's past is past isn't it? help her to know, i'm always here for her.
amen

saddest thing it's ever been ):

i get jealous easily, i know. i do know. but, i can't help it. i know i shouldn't, i know i should trust you. i know i should take it that their your friends, but, but i just really can't take it. i can't take it when i see you hold her that way, or when i see you talk to her like that. i'm insecure, i know. but maybe it's cause i'm just so afraid i'd lose you. i really am. i love you i love you i love you. will you just tell me you love me too? ): i'm scared, scared i'd lose you. i love you.