i need to be a better friend, someone who doesn't just talk, but someone who actually does things about what i say.

i'm sorry love, i'll try harder (: to be a better friend. to be a better person on the whole. so you won't feel the way you do anymore, so you won't feel hurt anymore. i love you, and i'm sorry

I LOVE YOU, BELIEVE THAT

To who you know you are (:

You seem to be the most conscientious person among all the people I know. You care a lot about other’s feelings; it’s just that you don’t show it. You care about what they feel, what they would feel if you did this or you did that. And although other people may think otherwise, I think you do care a lot about others feelings. Don’t you? That’s what I feel about you, what your actions have silently told me. I don’t want to say if I’m right or wrong, I don’t even know if I’m right or wrong, but there’s something I can very well say I’m sure of, that you’re beautiful (:
You may have made me cry, you may have made me want to just give up on all these friendships. But you know something my dear, you were the one who made me laugh when I was down, you were the one who made me learn what it meant to care in a different way. You were the one who taught me that caring was not all in praising and encouragements, but also in advice, in waking ups. You taught me that love in friendship was not about saying everything the other person did was correct but to teach the person right and wrong. And you taught me, being part of someone’s life, was more than being there and listening and giving love, it was about how to include the person in everyday conversations, to be able to ask that simple “are you okay” when I was down during music lesson. I remember, and I think you’re beautiful (: you’re beautiful, not cause you’re perfect, but it’s because you don’t try to be something else. You’re beautiful cause your heart is harbors good intentions. You’re beautiful, cause you have made me into a more beautiful person. But most of all, you’re beautiful, cause you are no one else but you. Your smile is beautiful, your laughter is beautiful. The tears you cry are beautiful, the times when you sit there and just gaze at nothing, you’re beautiful. You’re nothing less than amazing, you know that?
Maybe I’ve said these words too many times, maybe you think I don’t mean them, but you know, when you and I fought over that jigsaw, you made me feel joy. Although I lost, I felt happy you won, and you were happy. And it makes me feel sad sometimes, when you’re sad. And sometimes I know nothing that I can help you with. But you know what my dear, I’m going to keep trying. Until I see the person I knew in sec one, the one who smiled with me everyday. The person who is what she wants to be. I’ll love her for her, whoever she may be, whatever she may want to be. I don’t care, really, cause I know inside, she’s always beautiful (:
Things may seem confusing at this point in time, but everyone gets confused. And I’m not leaving you to be left confused all by yourself. No, I’m not going to leave you behind. I’m staying behind with you. Would you let me? Let me hold you hand through it, and never let our hands go. No matter how painful, no matter how sweaty our hands may get, no matter how gross, no no we’re not going to let go. Or at least, I’m not going to let go of you. We’ll get out of whatever confusion you may be having together, and together we’ll come out stronger. Yes? You blessed my life, and I owe you a lot of what I am today. And so now when you’re feeling this way, I’m going to be all that you were to me. And I’m going to stick by you. No matter the confusion, no matter whatever. You’re strong alone, let me be strong with you (:
I love you babe, my beautiful babe (:

do unto others what you want others to do unto you, i guess that's all i have to say about that.

okay i have to rant;
if you think it's so F easy to get a present, then go get it yourself. i mean, it's not only my present to her you know, it's like THE WHOLE CLASS. and so is it fair that i go be the one who thinks about what to get and get it all by myself? NO. and it's not like you're the only one who has eoys and needs to mug. i'm need to mug too. and thing is, i offered opinions, but you rejected them. or what, THEY WERE NOT GOOD ENOUGH? then well, sad to say, go think of what to buy yourself. i'm sick and tired of all this crap. just SICK and TIRED.

it's ironical really, i thought you said you didn't like lives being publicized, then why did you tell her about mine? i'm actually fine with the fact she knows, but thing is, you told her. and well, i haven't told anyone except those who found out themselves. and i'm not exactly proud of it? maybe she's your good friend, and maybe you thought it wouldn't affect anyone. but you know, she began to ignore me you know, and i felt lousy. that someone who never seemed to ignore anyone, was starting to ignore me. would you know how it feels, to have 3 out of 7 people ignoring you? i just thought that i could tell the both of you, but i guess i shouldn't have.

pls, don't go around telling others what i have told you, and only you

and did you have to judge me like that? like as if i wasn't trying to move on? i don't know

hurt by all of you, for all the trust i had in you guys, it's gone. for now i don't know if what you say or do is true, i don't know if what you tell me is what you really feel. i thought you guys would at least ask me about it when it happened, i thought you guys would realise without me having to tell you. but you know, you guys didn't even see it. and it shows seriously, how significant it is. i'm sorry to say when i needed you guys to be there with me, through it, you werent there. maybe it's my fault i didn't ask, but if i asked, wouldn't i just be called stupid for doing that too? i didn't have the courage to tell you all, and i didn't have the courage to ask you all to be here with me, cause you know why? i knew, somehow i just knew, this would be the outcome. so was it cause i didn't want to share it with you guys? not really. but now, i think it may have been better if i had not been said or touched on at all. cause my life's publicized, my life's a public irony now. and to those i trusted this secret with, they've let it out. who am i supposed to trust.

Lol, I wanted to post about the pledge Irwin lau made up this morning, but then thinking right, it’s not that good an idea. Lol, cause it’s singapore’s pledge =/ lol, so yah. Sorry Irwin (: but if you guys wna know, it’s kinda sick, so lol, still wna know can ask me.. or him. Lol

Well, today’s a happy day for me. and I miss days like these. Cause it’s been so long, since I laughed till my stomach went all pain and no sound came out. And it’s been such a long time, that I see all 7 of us smiling and laughing. And it’s been such a long time that I see all of us conquer all our fears together. And it’s been such a long time, since I laughed till I rolled on the floor. And it’s been such a long time since, I felt to close to 7 of us, so real and true.

Maybe we all need to take down that protective wall. I mean, if you want to come hurt me, COME RIGHT AHEAD BABY! I’m not scared of you. that’s what I mean. Cause maybe if we keep it up too much all the time, then we won’t get to be true friends, true people.

Today was a good day, cause I was happy. And to be happy for me, I guess it’s not all that easy. Not trying to be emo here, but it’s kind of true. And just shooting balls into that STUPID hoop today, it made me really happy. Brought back memories of that time, Cheryl, nana and i. Fighting over one pathetic ball. And three of us took turns to shoot it in. and somehow, both of them had already like got in a thousand and one balls, I hadn’t got one in. and sometimes I may appear stupid, but it’s alright. Cause it makes me laugh, it makes me able to laugh at myself. I miss those times. Where we laughed, at no one else, but ourselves.

And when the drink thing happened, lol. That was funny. And somehow, embarrassing, but yet, I still was happy. Really, truly happy.

And bianca’s hand art, made it all better =/ lol, that’s sarcastic! She gave me the most beautiful hand drew rings anyone could ever draw -.- lol, but it made me happy too. To see how hard she tried, but =/ lol, it turned out unique. Lol (:

Seeing all of us laugh, and seeing no one moody. To see everyone in the circle, to see no one left out. To see everyone enjoying themselves, and being truly happy, that was the one thing that really made me happy.

And that’s what I realized, that well, it’s not things or events that make me happy. But the people I’m with. When they’re happy, all of them, I can’t help but be happy. Cause it puts a smile on my face to see them all have smiles on their faces. It really does. and maybe because it’s been so long since we’ve had times like these. I don’t know, maybe for me.

7 special people, BCP, RYL, CHER, NANA, AMINA, TRISHY WISHY, ME (: I guess there’s nothing that really matters more to me, than seeing all of us as one, really one. And being happy. Nothing matters more than that. Cause it really made me feel “whole”. Made me feel happy.

You guys are the ones who bring the tears to me, but yet, also the smiles and the laughter. You guys just always seem to know, when I’m the most down, like last night, and today, you guys made it all just SO MUCH better. And I don’t know whether our friendship will fade away, but one thing I know is that, I’ll always treasure and remember this friendship we share. Carved and written on my heart.

7 OF US FOREVERRRRRR :D

and I have to announce something (: my birthday is coming! 20/10
Twentieth October

And Cheryl ho, remember your promise, I get you a water bottle, you get me a water bottle, a pencil case and a wallet (: lol, you promised me! I remember! Don’t you dare go back on your word okay missy!

I know some people are stressed over eoys, but well, I guess it’s fate. Just do your very best, and what happens, it’s not up for us to decide. Just do our very best, our very very best (:

I’M HAPPY (: thank you 7 of us (:

Listening to the songs on the computer, and I was wondering why I always seem to turn to music to take away my problems. Lol, I don’t know lah (:

I can’t be someone special in everyone’s life.
I can’t be there for everyone all the time.
I can’t keep disappointing others
I can’t keep letting others get the better of me.
I can’t let what others think affect me so much.
I can’t be accepted by everyone.

And the list goes on and on, but these are just facts of life. facts that I, find it hard to accept, but have to accept. Oh well.

I don’t seem to know what to post anymore. lol.

I’m going to learn the guitar, I don’t care. From whoever, I don’t know. But I’m going to learn it. I’ve been waiting for too long already. Lol, I’ll go find someone, who’s WILLING to teach me and who I can meet up with regularly =/

For I know I have no right to make you stay behind with me.
For I know I have nothing much to offer.
For I know I have nothing to give to you that no one else can give.
For I know I’m just like some girl on the street.
What right do I have to make you stay right here with me.

Hur, I don’t know, something that just came out (:

Disappointments;

I think disappointments are part of everyone’s lives, including mine. And I should learn how to cope with it. just like faith hope and love, disappointments are part and parcel of life, and I have to learn why I feel this way, and what leads to it, so as therefore, not to let myself fall into too many holes of disappointments.

I think, as for me, I do not feel disappointed when people don’t score grades, when people don’t know how to this question or that, not these things that adults feel disappointed in, but rather, I feel disappointed when I thought someone would understand but she doesn’t. I feel disappointed when people tend to judge. I feel disappointed when someone feels left out. I feel disappointed when I can’t reach up to others expectations. But most of all, I feel disappointed with myself when I let myself feel disappointed.

Does it all make sense? I don’t know. But that’s what I figured.

I feel disappointed when she doesn’t understand me. cause when I feel that someone would understand, I somehow, put my complete faith in her. And I place my entire hope in her. When I think that she would understand, I think that she would be able to relate to my problem, be able to understand why I did this or that, or why I’m feeling this way or the other. But yet, it’s impossible for someone to completely understand another. Though I know this fact, I just seem to keep placing my complete faith in her. And letting myself get disappointed.

I feel disappointed when people judge others, or me. because I start to wonder, what made them feel that way. what made them think this way or me or another. What did I do or say that gave them this impression? And then that’s when the hard facts or life start to set in, how bitchy I may be, maybe. How selfish, how slutty, maybe. But you see, there is a reason why certain people think this certain way of you. they can’t just pluck it out of the sky this thinking they have. there has to be some basis, some evidence that made them feel this way. and it’s for us to find out, for us to improve. And sometimes when you see why they feel that way about you, you feel disappointed cause you know that that’s not the way you meant it in, the intention you had in mind, is not the same as what they think your intention is. And that’s when I feel disappointed. When I do things, and I do not make my intentions clear enough, and letting myself get disappointed.

I feel disappointed when someone gets left out. Cause I know how it feels, how terrible it feels. But yet, sometimes when I reflect upon myself, I begin to realize, sometimes I am the one who starts to leave people out. People can preach, but sometimes they can never seem to do what they preach. They can say that they don’t want to see this happening, but sometimes, they are the cause of it. and I confess, I’m sometimes the start of leaving people out. And I am guilty. I feel disappointed with those, like myself, who fail to bring those left out ones back into the circle. I feel disappointed with myself, that I chose to let them to continue being left out. I feel disappointed that I haven’t did anything to try to pull them back in. for I am more guilty then anyone else, cause I have been there before, I know how it feels, and yet I do nothing about it. that makes me feel disappointed with myself, more than anyone else.

I feel disappointed with I can’t reach up to others expectations cause I know how it feels to be let down. The disappointment is not something that is easy to cope with, and it is not a nice feeling. I know. And that is why I feel guilty, when I can’t meet up to other’s expectations. Knowing how it feels to be disappointed by others letting me down, I’m disappointed with myself, for disappointing others.

And when I feel disappointed, it’s cause of all of the above mentioned, that makes me feel disappointed with myself, and that makes me feel, all the more disappointed with myself.

So should we be negligent to all that’s happening? And maybe if we’re negligent, we wouldn’t know or look into things too much. And then maybe all again, we wouldn’t feel disappointed, cause all in all, well, we don’t see things in such a manner.

I would like to say, sorry. I think that sometimes, I do things without thinking. I do things and think things without giving a thought about others feelings. And sometimes I get caught up in my own emotions too much that I forget about my basic principles in life, and the promises I made to others. I’m sorry for losing my head sometimes, and I’m sorry, to everyone I’ve let down. I’ll try to do what I preach, I’ll try to do what I say. I’ll try my very best, my utmost.

Ps, she is just a verb. Not in particular to anyone.

for all those i've judged, esp you, joan, i'm sorry. from the bottom of my heart, i'm sorry. i know i shouldn't and i'll try not to. it's not all that possible, i guess. but i'll try to see things from your points of view from now on <3

i'm sorry joan

When I don’t talk, does that mean I’m sad? Something tuition made me ponder upon. Cause why does it seem that whenever I just talk less, or am not in the mood to talk that much, people think I’m upset. Fact is, I just don’t feel like talking. And as for today, it was just that I was having a fever and I felt tired. That’s all. And so has me not talking have to do with me being sad. I don’t know.

I think wu lao shi is a nice teacher (: that time, I remember I cried during tuition, for some reason, which only Eugene knows, and she cared, she said if I needed someone to talk to, she could stay back to talk to me. and well, that really touched me. she didn’t brush it aside, she cared, and she loved. Maybe this is the kind of teacher I need? I don’t know. But she loves us all, Eugene, me, hanyu, jia qian, jia wen, kai wen, jun jie, matthew, and one more, I don’t know his name. Though we’re so different, all of us, she loves us all. We’re noisy, we’re talkative, but yet, she still loves us so much. She appreciates our noise-ness, saying that well, at least we’re a bunch of happy kids. And things like that, they make me feel like I’m accepted for what I am. And the many little things she gives us, like the chocs, I remember. And today, a stone, with all our names on it, each on personalized, with the words “zi4 qiang2 bu4 xi1”, and things like that shows her love. doesn’t it? it sometimes shows so much more than words. And she remembers things we say, big or small. She doesn’t just say “yaya” and then forget them, she remembers them. Which will make you feel so special, don’t you think? She understands why we feel the way we feel, and although she feels differently sometimes, she doesn’t scold us for feeling this way but tries to help us see the other point of view. I don’t know, but I can tell that our tuition class loves her a lot. And when she said she’s not going to teach in this tuition centre anymore next year, somehow, we all just wanted to go to her new tuition centre, which she is setting up by herself. We can’t bare to leave her, cause she’s touched us I guess. I’m grateful for a teacher like her, for two years.

I think I have to say my thank you-s, to those whom I seldom say thank you to. And so here it goes, to Eugene and Irwin.

Eugene, I know we’ve had our fair share of quarrels and fights etc. but sometimes it just doesn’t feel like we’ve quarreled at all. It seems like this friendship is so, un-pressurizing, and so easy to keep. And at those times when I hated you so much, you never once scolded me, never once blamed me, but instead you gave me time to cool down, gave me time, and later helped me try to understand why some things happened. and you know, whenever I’m down and I turn to you, I know I seldom do, but you always find a way to make me laugh again. with your stupid cannot balance on train thing -.-, lol, and many other things. And somehow, going home with you, no matter how terrible my day was, you make things all seem better. And when I complain to you, you always listen, I know although you seem to mimic what I say, being funny, by agreeing with everything I say, I know that’s your way of cheering me up. And I thank you, for being such a great friend all these while. Through the bad and the good times. And thanks for your concern today (: I appreciate it.

Irwin, thank you for always being so patient, for always being so caring, understanding, thoughtful etc. I think we finally know what it feels like to quarrel with each other now, and lol, I think it’s not that nice. But well, it’s made me realize how much you mean to me. and well, no one can replace my wai sheng (: cause you really bring my every morning smile, by that stupid “rah (: I smsed you first! XD morning xiao yi, this is your wai sheng speaking. Did you have a good night sleep? Lols. (x” lol, it made me laugh like siao. (: and yes, I’ll remember you like peanut butter M&Ms, lol, I know what to get for your birthday le (: and I wna thank you, for never giving up on this stupid xiao yi of yours (: from the bottom of my heart, thank you <3

Can I have a request, to all those whom I’m close to.

Pls, when I tell you guys something, I do that because I trust you guys. I trust that you guys won’t tell others. I trust that whatever I say will be kept to yourselves. Because there’s a reason why I only tell you. and there’s a reason why I don’t tell others. It’s not that there’s no reason alright. I don’t wish for you guys to go around and “publicizing” my life. Although I know sometimes you guys mean well, you mean to help. But really, I know how to solve my problem. And even if I don’t, you can always advice me on what to do, not try to solve the problem for me. do you understand what I’m trying to say? Pls, I tell you guys things cause I trust you all. Don’t break that trust I had in you.

It seems like it’s always you. first it was os. He said if he were taller he would have gone after you. you had to go fight with me? I don’t know. I don’t really know. And I don’t wish to know. But pls, I .. forget it. I shan’t be petty, I shan’t be possessive.

On the topic of friendship

What is friendship? I’m not really sure. Through all the years of our lives, we are said to have friends. But truly, who are our friends and who are not? Who are those who are true and who are those who lie their way through? How will know who to trust and who to shun? Who will know all this? Cause we know not other’s hearts, we know not what they think. How then do we know how and who and why.

Oh come one, tell me now. How can this be that through our lives, after making so many so called friends, we know not what true friendship is. How can we now know, when we all claim that we have the best of friends. How can we now know, when we practically share our whole entire lives with those whom we call friends. How can we now know, how ironic can this get. Tell me, how do we define a friend, how do we know who are our true friends?

Does friendship last for as long as the two friends are together? Or does it last for eternity? Many say they last for eternity, but how true is that? I don’t know. But it seems that once circumstances change, once the surrounding is different, once one of the two change, the friendship fades, it gets less and less close. Is this called eternity? Maybe it is, but the standard of friendship is never the same again, don’t you think?

Some people say they are our friends. How do we know that? How do we see through them, how do we know if they are true? Test them? But by testing them, most of the time, you end up hurting yourself. Isn’t that correct? To find a true friend, it’s really hard. one who will stick by you, one who will not let you down. And if this is going to hurt you, wouldn’t you rather stay in the dark? Not knowing whether they’re true or not. That’d be less hurtful, but all at the same time, wouldn’t you be living a lie?

But then it comes down to the point, what is a friend? how does someone qualify to be your friend? How does someone, from a complete stranger, become a friend? what are those qualities you look for? What are those expectations? What makes you want to be her friend? what makes you want to share your life with her and not someone else? Why her? What makes her so special that you want to make friends with her?

As for me, just as for me, to make a friend, there’s no need for special qualities. Be it a liar, a cheater, a pros, a nice person, a kind person, a smoker, anyone. What right do I have to chose a friend. what right do I have to push someone who wants or needs a friend. what right do I have to push a person away. I have no right to hurt anyone in any way. cause if one day I were to be like that, a liar, a cheater, someone everybody hates, I’d need that someone who’d take me, for who I am. To help me, to guide me. I have no right to chose the friends I want to make, those friends chose me. and I’m glad, for whoever may chose me. no matter how terrible the situation the person is in. cause I’m chosen by him/her. What right do I have to list my criteria, what right do I have to list what I want from a friend? cause we are created equal, all loved, all special, all unique, and all nice. What right do I have to judge, to chose. For I do not want to be judged, I do not want to be striked out of a list.

But when I chose my close, best friends, that’s when it’s different. I have the right to chose. Because it’s the close friends who will bring me through, it’s the close friends who will encourage me, it’s the close friends who will help me, it’s the close friends whom will love me and I will love. I will chose my close friends wisely, cause I am giving them the entitlement to hurt me, I am giving them the entitlement to every key to my heart’s door. I will chose, those whom I trust and those whom I know won’t betray the trust I place in them.

And what makes a close or best friend? if I were to list it all, wouldn’t it take eternity? But if I don’t know what makes me want this close friend, what makes me able to trust her, why would I let her in? I have to know what’s my criteria, I have to know my conditions, so as not to hurt myself.

Someone, who wouldn’t scold me, cause does she have the right to? If someone were to really understand me, would she scold me? no, cause if she understood me, she would understand why I did it, she would understand why I chose to do that instead of this. Why I did it, there would be a reason, and so if she knew me well enough, she wouldn’t scold me. someone who wouldn’t judge me. who has the right to judge anyone. No one does truthfully. If you loved the person, you wouldn’t judge. Cause you’d be able to accept the person wholly, no matter what she did, in the past, in the future or even now. It wouldn’t matter, would it? someone who wouldn’t give up on me. cause I know I’m not a perfect person, I know I make mistakes. And I know sometimes my mistakes seen so unforgivable. That’s why I think for myself, I need someone who wouldn’t give up on me. would you understand if I said that I treasured friend’s support and understanding a lot? Would you guys understand? I need someone who would try to understand before giving up on me. and the feeling of being given up on is not nice, I’m sad to say. Someone who would take me as someone they can trust. Cause if not, what’s the point. It’d be a one way thing wouldn’t it? imagine telling someone everything, the person’s a part of your life, but you’re not a part of the person’s life at all. Would that be something very clever? No, I don’t think so.

There’s so much more. But words can’t express, can it. some things the heart feels can never be written in words but can only be shown in actions. I guess that’s what I think. And again, this is all what I think, not really what I’m feeling now.

I’m learning to be truthful with myself, bear with me.

i don't really know what this post is for, but well here it goes (:

it's not fun to run away from a problem. it isn't. and to the other party who's left there, i think it's not easy too. but you know, i've come to realise, that the person who runs away from it, has their reasons. i couldn't take the pain anymore, not one after another, that's why i chose to run away from it. so i don't have to face it. i don't know why others run away from it, but that's just my personal opinion. when like, you just know that you won't be able to take it if you let it go on. the mental pressure, the emotional torture. when i know i can't take it, when i know i can't handle it, when i know it won't work anyway, i'll run away. i know this will hurt the other party, but i think that well, it wasn't going anywhere. only hurting myself and the other party more. and if the other party needed time, i'll give the other party time to get over this. cause seriously, truthfully i don't want to be in this either. i run away, but i don't feel good. but i guess, that's when time heals the pain.

i don't know, just something random lah huh (: nothing much.

ups and downs, disapointments and sucess, laughter and tears, fake smiles and mascarade, love and hurt, hope and broken trust, frienship and relationships, i think they're all just a part of life, like it or not. and sometimes i hate this fact, but i guess i have to accept it.

i realised, i can tell almost anyone, what's happening, what's going on, my problems, etc. but i've never once been open about how i feel, how i really feel. what's in my mind, what's in my heart, it's never said. cause sometimes, i guess it's a fear, that no one would understand. that no one would relate to. that sometimes it gets from a small matter into a real big one, and things like that. i always thought i was a open person, until i realised, that i never once told anyone how i really felt about anything. never once, i guess. i guess maybe that's why the emotions build, and when you want to find someone to talk to, you just don't know where to start. and it just keeps going and going.

being a friend, i've learnt. is not to be always praising the person, but always being there. it's not about always agreeing with the person, but always supporting the person in whatever he or she may want to do. it's not about telling lies, and telling her that she can do it, but telling her heartfelt encouragment. it's not about saying "friends forever", but it's about appreciating her, for every single thing she does. it's not about the presents or the gifts, but the everyday msn talk, or the everyday squabbel over small things that will pass in a day. it's things which can't be mreasured, like demanding a fried rice with an egg for a birthday present. things like that, make friendship so valuable. things that will leave a memory in your heart, that will make you remember the person for who she/he is for the rest of your life. friendship, is never giving up on the other, always supporting, always encouraging, always being there when she needs you, always lending a listening ear with no judgement. i guess to me, that's what a friend is.

sometimes, you wait and wait for that reply when you send for a call of help. do you know i was really desperate? i really had no one to go to, i really needed you so much. i needed someone who'd i thought would understand. i needed someone who knew me inside out. i needed someone whom i thought could empathize. someone whom i thought would understand even if she's never been through it before. someone whom could still tell me that i was doing the right thing. but i guess it isn't your fault, no it isn't.

i think i'm getting emotional, i'm sorry. but i just can't take it.

i had a dream last night. one about two people, hur, one was someone who meant so much, and then there was this someone with __. and she spat on my face. i guess that dream, i don't know the meaning, truthfully, but it hurts. stupid dreams, sometimes they really affect my day. second dream i had after waking up from that one, i dreamt that i was sitting for eoys, but in primary sch. i don't know why. with nat. and i didn't know how to do a thing. then we cheated, me and nat. and we got caught, sent to detention, to retake, with all those who cheated. and the paper was differnt, it was physics, all darn physics. pages after pages of physics. and i was in my mind thinking,"if cheryl had this paper i think she would be so darn happy". i was thinking that in my dream. and i looked at the paper, i didn't know how to do a single thing. everyone seemed to know how to do it, everyone had seemed to finish the paper, except me. i was still stuck at the first question. i was so scared, really. in my dream. i woke up in tears. will that really happen? i don't know

sometimes, i really wish i could look into that crystal ball, to see what life would be like for me in future. so then maybe i'd know, what will be worth doing and what not worth doing. i'm really looking forward to sunday, to hear being called charis jiejie, and i hope it'd work like any other time, take all these doubts away. take all these "sorrow" away. i don't know, i just hope so.

nothing makes me more happy than to receive a hug from those kids, or to hear them say jiejie, i need to go toilet, go with me? nothing makes me more happy. cause they appreciate me. the cling onto me. they love me for me. no need for pretence. maybe you wouldn't understand, but that's just how i feel.

now, i'm just a little confused, a little emotional. but by tomorrow i'll be fine

do you know that by doing this, by cutting me off, you're hurting me more, than if you were to.. nvm. i guess i hoped too much, loved too much.

i have learnt how to find joy in the lord, not in the world, but in the lord (:
and truthfully it's much easier to be happy this way, rather than trying to find things to make you happy in this world. cause truth is, this world will let you down anyway.

"what would jesus do", lol joan, maybe apply this (: it's a nice phrase, powerful too (: when you wna do something, when i wanna do something now, be it roll my eyes or get pissed, i'll think about this phrase, and i just won't do it anymore.

let go, and let god. i now believe in this phrase. lol, although the circumstance now, is not exactly what i want, but i'm sure there's a purpose in it. there's a purpose in everything that has happened and is happening and will happen. he is god, i'm not. and i'll let him do what he wants with me, not let him do what i want him to do in me.

i've learnt alot spiritually these few days. and i guess i've really found the joy in the lord, the love. the peace. that no matter what thunderstorm it is i'm in, i'm at rest with him.

thank you lord, for loving such an unworthy person such as me. i've realised, how hard it is to love people who sin against you, but you still forgave me, though i've broken your heart so many a times by the things i've done. thank you for your mercy lord, i thank you. for your amazing love, never failing grace. thank you. you're just so amazing lord, i stand in awe of you, and everyday, i find myself falling more and more in love with you. thank you lord, amen

letting go, was never easy. be it in studies, relationships, friendships, anything. but i guess it's all about believing that there's a purpose in something happening (:

sometimes, i guess it's just an overwhelming feeling of helplessness.

(: i ate LOTS of crab today. LOL, crabby me. that's what mummy always says (:

anyway, what bianca wrote on her blog, made me think, lol, yes think again. and i guess to be a great friend, it's not just mere time spent together, but the things we talk about, and the openess of both parties. the understanding-ness, if there's such a word, and the love there is between both people. the patience too.

to the people whom i have dissapointed;
i'm sorry. i know that well, i am kind of dissapointing, but i'm changing, and, well don't give up on me (: yep. cause i'll stand by you guys too, when you guys need me <3 i'm sorry.

and joan finally sent me her letter :D

somehow, i think i haven't been listening enough these few days. i think i should listen (: when i don't understand, i won't lock her out, i'd listen. i guess that's the best. cause only when i listen then i understand. and when i understand, i can help. (:

lol, i'm feeling positive today, i don't know why!

anyway, wai sheng, I'M GETTING TOP UP TOMORROW (: lol, <3

random post.

love 7 of us <3

AND WHAT RIGHT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY ALL THOSE?!

YOU TYPE LIKE AS IF YOU’RE THE ONE BEING HURT, YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE WHO’S TRYING TO MOVE ON AND I’M TRYING TO KEEP YOU BEHIND. BUT PLS LAH, YOU CALL ME INDECISIVE? WHAT RIGHT DO YOU HAVE? TO ME, YOU’RE THE INDECISIVE ONE, THE ONE WHO CAN’T MAKE UP HIS MIND. THOSE TWO MONTHS, THEY WERE HELL FOR ME, AND NOW, IT’S MY FAULT THAT I’VE FINALLY MOVED ON? OH WOW. HAVE YOU EVER SPARED A THOUGHT THAT WHEN I WAS STRUGGLING IN THOSE TWO MONTHS, YOU NEVER ONCE SENT AN SMS TO ME, TO ASK ME HOW I AM. YOU NEVER ONCE CALLED, TO SHOW YOUR CARE. YOU NEVER ONCE SAID ANYTHING TO ME ON MSN. AND ALL THOSE WHILE, I WAS THE ONE ASKING YOU HOW YOU ARE, HOW YOU’RE FEELING. CAUSE I KNOW IT ISN’T EASY, I CARED. AND YOU DIDN’T EVEN SHOW A LEAST BIT OF CARE. MAYBE THAT’S YOUR WAY OF MOVING ON, NOT CARING, NOT APPRECIATING THE CARE I SHOW. THAT’S FINE, BUT WHEN I STOP CARING, DON’T ACCUSE ME, DON’T JUDGE ME. I STOP CARING, BECAUSE YOU SCOLD ME EVERYTIME I CARE. I STOP CARING BECAUSE YOU PUSHED ME AWAY EVERYTIME I TRIED TO HELP. THAT’S WHY I STOPPED CARING. AND NOW WHEN I FINALLY STOPPED CARING, YOU ACCUSE ME OF BEING WITH HIM. HOW NICE. ARE YOU THE ONE WHO’S INDECISIVE OR ME?!

YOU ACCUSE ME OF ME AND HIM, SAYING JARED SAID SO BLAH BLAH. BUT OH WOW, DID YOU EVEN ASK ME BEFORE YOU ASSUMED? DID YOU EVEN TRY TO ASK AROUND BEFORE YOU CAME TO THE CONCLUSION I “BETRAYED” YOU. CAUSE FRANKLY I DIDN’T. I STAYED IN THAT STUPID DEEP PIT FOR FREAK TWO MONTHS, FOR YOU. IS THAT NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU? IF IT ISN’T, THEN HOW ABOUT TWO SCARS ON MY HAND, FOREVER I’LL REMEMBER YOU, CAUSE THE SCARS WILL FOREVER BE THERE, TO REMIND ME. I’VE DID SO MUCH, I’VE SUFFERED SO MUCH, IS IT NOT FAIR THAT NOW I MOVE ON? ARE YOU SO BENT IN HOLDING ME BACK WHEN YOU DON’T EVEN CARE ABOUT ME AT ALL? IS IT FAIR TO ME?

WHEN I SAID YOU WERE SELFISH, I DID IT AFTER MUCH THINKING OKAY. I DIDN’T JUST SPURT OUT THOSE WORDS. YOU LOOK AT IT YOURSELF WILL YOU, LOOK AT HOW YOU NEVER CARED WHEN I WAS DOWN. LOOK AT IT, WHEN DID YOU EVER CHERISH ME? AND NOW WHEN I MOVE ON, YOU’RE SO SELFISH, YOU EXPECT ME TO BE STUCK HERE CAUSE OF YOU FOREVER? NO, I WON’T BE ALRIGHT. I WON’T. SO STOP IT.

STOP ACCUSING ME AND HIM. CAUSE ME AND HIM WERE NEVER A “WE”. I’M DISAPOINTED IN YOU, CAUSE THAT JUST SHOWS HOW MUCH YOU TRUST ME AND HIM AND YOURSELF. TRUST YOUR OWN JUDGEMENT. AM I THAT KINDA PERSON? HOW LONG DID I TAKE TO ACCEPT YOU? ABOUT 4 MONTHS? WILL I JUMP INTO SO FAST AGAIN? NO WAY. IS HE THAT KINDA PERSON? NO.

MAYBE IT’S MINE AND OS’S FAULT, WHATEVER. BUT IT’S DEFINITELY NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM. WHAT’S WITH DRAGGING HIM IN. YES HE IS IMPORTANT TO ME, BUT NOT TO THAT EXTENT WHERE I’M TOTALLY DEPENDENT ON HIM LIKE HOW I WAS ON OS. IT JUST HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM, STOP ACCUSING HIM, CAUSE I KNOW HE’S NOT THAT KINDA PERSON, AND YOU ALL, STOP JUDING HIM, CAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW A THING ABOUT HIM. HE’S RIGHTEOUS OKAY. HE’S NOT SOME SHIT FLIRT. SO STOP JUDGING HIM. STOP HURTING HIS FEELINGS ANYMORE. CAUSE HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF SOMEONE JUDGED YOU THIS WAY! STOP IT, PUT YOURSELF IN HIS SHOES WOULD YOU!

YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO HOLD ME BACK. AND THERE’S NO NEED TO STAY BEHIND FOR SOME GUY WHO’S SO HYPOCRAITICAL. THERE’S NO POINT. IN SOMEONE WHO CHANGES EVERY TIME DIFFERENT PEOPLE ARE AROUND. IT’S SO FAKE. AND THERE’S NO POINT. I DON’T LOVE YOU, I DON’T LIKE YOU. AND YOU CAN’T USE THE WORD LOVE, CAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW A THING ABOUT IT. STOP USING IT LIKE SOME KINDA TOILET PAPER. CAUSE IT’S NOT.

ARGHHHH.

And the words you say hurt, cause you have no idea how hard I tried to move on, and now that I have, you come back and hurt me again. would you stop thinking about yourself for once, and think for me. )’:

lol church service (:

for a long time, i haven't went, and i went today (: i guess i cried quite a bit, uncontrolable. but oh well (: it's alright, cause it's been some time since i let the tears flow. (: and thank you joan for all the jokes (: i appreciate them <3

i wanted wai sheng to come ): but oh well (: he has his own plans (: haha, but he still rocks (: forever and ever and ever (:

these few days has been okay (: and well yeah (: did some stupid things in the past, but i'm not going to do it again, cause i know it isn't worth it (: i know it isn't. and also, cause i know i have my loved ones with me, through it, all the way <3

i guess, when i sat in the play ground just now at the party alone, i sorted it all out. i guess what i saw today made me realise what a mistake it was. somehow hurting, but i guess i should let it hurt now, then continue on like that. man, what am i talking about -.-

i have my wai sheng with me through it all anyway <3 lol, i hope.

to everyone out there, there is hope, just believe.
faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see. like how the wind blows, i don't see it, but i know it's there cause i can feel it. like love, what joan said, i know it's there cause it's like the sun. i don't see it, but i see everything that is lighted up by it (: hope it brings some hope into everyone's lives (:

but i guess through the holidays, i want to say a big thank you to irwin lau shan jie (: for always being there to listen to me rant, to cheer me up, to entertain me (: and to always reply my sms (x haha. i love this wai sheng, not cause he's the only wai sheng, but cause he's the best wai sheng any xiao yi can ever have (: and cause he's him. and there's no one like him in this whole wide world. in my heart, only one irwin is irwin (x if you get what i'm trying to say -.-

lol, my english sucks.

qian loves me (: lol, HEART (: i like this pic (: cause everyone seems happy (:

BIG SMILE, live our lives with big smiles yeah (: and i got something to say, i love qian too (: lol. there are more pics, but i guess later than i upload ba (:

i just feel like saying that life's not all that tough. i guess we just have to look beyond the difficult paths. i love all you guys, hope you know that (:

AND I LOVE QIAN AND QIAN LOVES ME (: ahahahah

And sorry for not updating (x

Just that a lot of stuff’s been happening! Too busy (: SORRY DUDES (:

Haha, these few days I’m addicted to the word “dudes”, there’s something wrong with me! (: holidays don’t seem like the holidays, don’t you think -.-

Monday- history supplementary, guides briefing, guides.
Tuesday- guides heritage trail
Wednesday- math tuition
Thursday- choral night rehearsal
Friday- aspen

And mind you, EOYs are coming. *gasps* and so which means, everyday study -.- man, so much for holidays. Why does this feel like some childish post I used to post like last year or something? Oh well. Feeling childish (x

Anyway! I was looking for a song to say how I feel for someone, you know who you are (: and I came across this song (: share it with you guys okay! It’s super nice lahhhhhh (:

So, no one told you life was gonna be this way,
Your job’s a joke, you’re broke, your love life’s D.O.A.
It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear,
And it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month or even your year.

But I’ll be there for you,
When the rain starts to fall.
I’ll be there for you,
Like I’ve been there before.
I’ll be there for you,
Cause you’re there for me too. (:

You’re still in bed at then and work began at eight.
You’ve burned your breakfast, so far everything is great.
Your mother warned you there’d be days like these,
But she didn’t tell you when the world has brought you down to your knees that,

But I’ll be there for you,
When the rain starts to fall.
I’ll be there for you,
Like I’ve been there before.
I’ll be there for you,
Cause you’re there for me too. (:

No one could ever know me,
No one could ever see me,
Since you’re the only one who knows what it’s like to be me.
Someone to face the day with, make it through all the rest with,
Someone I’ll always laugh with.
Even at my worst, I’m best with you.

But I’ll be there for you,
When the rain starts to fall.
I’ll be there for you,
Like I’ve been there before.
I’ll be there for you,
Cause you’re there for me too. (:

Nice eh (: I think it’s super nice. To the dearest 6 people (: NANA, BIANCA, CHERYL, CHER, JAS, TRISH (:

Mm hmm (:

AND THANK YOU JOAN AND CHERYL (: FOR YOUR SUPERB ADVICES (: heh, love you guys loads <3

And I would like to say, all of you guys are special, in your own way. to me, you all are special, unique, and I love every single one of you (: well, with the sole exception of one at this moment. LALA, no need for names (:

Everyone jia you for EOY (: get the course you want! Cause it’s your future dude! You decide it (: MUG MUG MUG (: yay-ness (x

Oh gosh, this is a gay post, not to mention random too.

Oh welllll, I still have somemore to say! TEACHER’S DAY (:

I think the performance was so much better than last year lah! Heh, LOCAL DELIGHT UNCLE AND AUNTY ROCK MAN (: yes, they rock my socks off. They’re like so superbly cool (: haha. WELL DONE YOU TWO DUDES! (: I loved your performance (:

And EAT EAT EAT. Somehow I think we ate pratically throughout the whole day ytd. MY MY MY BEE HOON (: wheeeeeeeeeeeeee. Ahaha. And jelly too (: stupid Cheryl ho! Go spit out my bee hoon! Hurmph! Haha. But still, she ate for me lah (: so thank you dearie! And Bianca loh ate three plates! WHEEEEEE! Ahaha. And I learnt from Cheryl, and started eating jelly and spitting it out -.- can you imagine the grossness! Haha. JASMINE! Send me the photos (:

I love the photos we took lah, damn gay, damn funny. Ahaha. Yay 7 of us (: WE ARE THE BEST! NOT JAS THE BEST, BUT 7 OF US THE BEST! Yay, ahaha. I LOVE SITTING NEXT TO JAS. SHE AMUSES ME. keeps me awake. (:

LOVELINESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. A LONG GAY POST -.-

Anyway, what more is there to say ah, ermmm. OH YAH, ME AND IRIS BAKES NICE COOKIES (: and I know, I just know everyone agrees. Haha. We made a mess out of the kitchen, but ah, heck! Haha. It was nice anyway (:

OOO. Superman song is playing now! Nice song eh! Haha. Even heroes have the right to bleed! Oh bother. Ahaha. I’m going nuts! That’s what you get after studying too much bio. You go totally nuts. And as jas says “ my brain cells are dead” oh well, something like that (x

And when things seem at their worst, they’ll get better! (: something random, but it pulled me through my tough times in the past (: so there! For people who are feeling down!

OH AND THANK YOU HANWEN (: FOR YOUR EMAIL. Sorry I couldn’t reply it. been rather busy. (: but still, thanks for your care and concern (: I’M FINE (: dude! You are a nice kor (: Hahaha. and you take care too alright! I LOVE MY KOR <3

GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY (: whee, it’s nice to finally feel gay again (: haha. Dufess, what’s wrong with me! ahaha. Ehh, why does dufess look so familiar o.O is it someone’s name? I don’t know! It’s just my expression okay! So whoever has that name, =/ no offence (:

AHHH, NOW TESTIFY TO LOVE’S PLAYING! Say yay (: it’s a nice song! And everyone agrees (:

ANYWAYY, BIANCA JIA YOU FOR COUNCIL (:

And to everyone, jia you for eoys!