a very nice song which i love alot, and i cried, when i saw the kindy kids singing it (:

he knows my name

i have a maker
he formed my heart
before even time began
my life was in his hands

he knows my name
he knows my every thought
he sees each tear that falls
and hears me when i call

i have a father
he calls me his own
he'll never leave me
no matter where i go.

(:
cheryl tan,
things will be fine, i promise. things will get better, no matter how hard they seem. i had alot of problems with your cousin, and things still got better in the end. didn't it? (: you saw how nice we were to each other before all that happened, you saw how nasty things got when we went through rough times. things didn't work out, but we're still friends now. but thngs didn't come easy. before we became friends again, every conversation we had ended in a quarrel. nothing comes easy. but we have to perservere. both of us did. cause the friendship means a lot to me. so dear, hold on. things will get better. i'm a living example (: i thought i went through hell, but hey, here i am (: and i'm here for you <3

did you know

did you know there's someone loving you
he lives in me and other people too
did you know he died on a cross
did you know his name is jesus

i want to thank you for everything you've done
you love me and gave your only son
to die on a cross for my sin
to die on a cross for my sin

did you know he rose form the dead
he's risen up and he'll be back again
did you know he's loving you today
did you know he's the only way

(:

a gift to you

everything i am
everything i'll be
i give it to you lord
and do it thankfully

every song i sing
every praise i bring
everything i do, is a gift to you
everything i have
all you've given me
i give it to you lord
and do it thankfully

everything i am
everything i'll be
i give it to you lord
and do it thankfully.

(:

i love children songs. cause it really speaks from the heart.
i think my kids have grown in the lord more. i see them close their eyes and raise their hand during worship without having to be told to do so anymore. and i'm glad. last week, i led, and when they did that, i couldn't help but cry. it was embarassing having to cry in front of them, and all the other adults. but i couldn't help it. they touched my heart. learn from their childlike faith, i must (:

If you thought it was to you, maybe it’s really how you feel.
But how do I be a listening ear when you don’t tell me. and when I can only interpret, it’s inevitable that I get it all wrong. Tension of opposites? Knowing I shouldn’t try to understand when I don’t, but still doing it. I guess so. I want to be just a listening ear, I want to just be there for you, but will you let me? I want to, do you hear me? so put down your guard, I’m not here to harm you. put down your guard, cause I’m here to love you. put down your guard, cause I swear, I won’t ever intentionally hurt you. let me in, cause I don’t want to be looking in from inside. Let me in, cause I really want to be inside your world. Let me in, just let me in. I won’t tell you what’s wrong and what’s not, cause I know you know them yourself. Let me in, to let me be the one you can count on, the one you can just talk to when you’re down in the dumps. Let me in, let me love you for whoever you may be. Let me in, and I promise I’ll never leave. Could you pls just let me in? I want to be all that you want me to be, just let me in.

Maybe I ask for too much. Maybe I’m very demanding. I don’t know how you see it. Truths hurt. I know I’m demanding, I know I’m over domineering. I’ve learnt to accept all of this. But do you see it that way? Cause if you do, I can tune down. It’ll take conscious effort, but I can. If you don’t want me probing too much about your stuff, I can stop. Really. I just don’t want you to feel intruded. I just want you to know that I love you, I’m here. Nothing more than that. And that, one more thing, I care.

Whoever the person is, the person knows who it is anyway (:

Anyway, I got my Ipod :D
I was supposed to pay hundred. But since mummy owed me fifty, I only paid fifty! Daddy was like, “you want to give me a kiss, you give me now. If not nevermind” then I was like, huh. And I figured in this kind of situations, he was going to buy me something, so I just gave him his kiss! Neh neh, and I got my Ipod :D lols. It was $399. not that bad lah! Ipod video. Yayness. Lols, I’m super happy lah.

Yesterday was one helluva madness day. Mummy hadn’t bought her boots, which is VERY important. And so mummy conned me into going to buy it with her and dad. She told me, we were going to east point for BREAKFAST. Tsk, such a liar! In the end, instead of east point, we went to raffles place, centre point, takashimaya. Lols. So much for east point. So anyway, mummy takes ages to find shoes she likes. And even after she find shoes she likes, her toes are weird! So not all can fit her. Lols, I knew that fact, so I was very patient. But daddy, lols, he got super annoyed. So I was caught in the middle, as always. I think both of them are going through menopause or something. Very irritable, easily, both of them. So you can imagine, how things went.

I should gone to see alfi theo when I was at centre point eh? Lols, oh well :D there are always other times. Just you wait!

I’m going korea today! Midnight flight :D
I’ll miss everyone :D
I’ll miss chicken ): cause mummy says, no eating chicken there, cause they have birdflu. Lols. I can imagine myself becoming vegetarian or something. Oh man. Chickennnn!

I’ll be back on the seventh. I hope the plane doesn’t get delayed, so I can wish you what I’m supposed to wish you. but then again, it’ll touch down at 1130 at night. So I’m not sure. Hoping and praying (:

i've been keeping a journal :D
for once, i can keep at it. and i'm so happy with it :D

i'm going to korea tomorrow. it's like, happy and sad. =/
sad, cause well, i'll miss guides, i'll miss out on a lot of things. and i'll miss out, on that one special date. man, this is sad ):
happy, cause at least i get a break (: get to spend time with my family, alone. no outsiders, no interuptions. and at least i can let them know, that i haven't changed all that much. i'm still pretty much the guai little girl they all once knew. at least, i hope, that they'll see (:

and i'll try to find alfred alright (:
promised iris, cheryl and bianca.
lols, but still, i'll TRY. no promises!

i hope i don't just freeze there or something. lols, just thinking of the bathing part there, i think i don't feel like bathing for 9 days. lols. but then again, it'll be damn sick. but then it'll be so cold! brr. i don't know lah :D go there then see how! lols.

bee hiang pang sai, all the best for today's friendly :D
toad patrol, all the best for today's gadgets. sorry i can't be there D:

as i read our patrol logbook yesterday, i felt like crying. i felt so appreciated, and i think the rest of them did to. i felt like my efforts were all recognized (: thank you, evelyn, linxi, xinyun, wann qin, michelle. thank you all, so much. <3

i haven't packed my lauggage =/
i think i should go pack it soon! (:

oh, i almost forgot, and thank you eugene for the emails yesterday (:

when you don't have the strength in your eyes,
i'll be the one to cry.

i was reading my favorite book yesterday :D
and i'm proud to say, it's my first book in years!
tuesdays with morrie, and i really like that book. it gives you that inspiration, that hope (:
anyway, i was reading it, and i found this very interesting para (: i shall type it out :D

"in the campus bookstore, i shop for the items on morrie's reading list. i purchase books i never knew existed, titiles such as youth: identity and crisis, i and thou, the divided self.

before college i did not know the study of human relations could be considered scholarly. until i met morrie, i did not believe it.

but his passion for books is real and contagious. we begin to talk seriously sometimes, after class, when the room has emptied. he asks me questions about my life, then quites lines from erich fromm, martin buber, erik erikson. often he defers to their words, footnoting his own advice, even though he obviously thought the same things himself. it is at these times that i realize he is indeed a professor, not an uncle. one afternoon, i am complaining about the confusion of my age, what is expected of me versus what i want for myself.

"have i told you about the tension of opposites?" he says.

the tension of opposites?

"life is like a series of pulls back and forth. you want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. you take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted.

"a tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubberband. and most of us live somewhere in the middle."

sounds like a wrestling match, i say.

"a wrestling match." he laughs, "yes, you could describe life that way."

so which side wins, i ask?

he smiles at me, the crinkled eyes, the crooked teeth.

"LOVE WINS. LOVE ALWAYS WINS"

cool eh? there's so much more this book offers. sounds like i'm doing promoting. but it's true, i think this book is good. it will speak to you, in the 210 pages, i'm sure there will be somethng you can gain. the way the author splits the book in the content page, is already very interesting.
- we talk about the world.
- we talk about feeling sorry for yourself
- we talk about the regrets.
- we talk about death
- we talk about family
- we talk about emotions
- we talk about about the fear of aging
- we talk about money
- we talk about how love goes on
- we talk about marriage
- we talk about our culture
- we talk about forgiveness
- we talk about the perfect day
- we say goodbye

he died in the end, and i think when i get to the end of the book, i'll prolly cry again. but just by reading so little pages, i've learnt so much.

it shows, when you're down in the dumps,
who really understands, and who really cares.

we should live, and minimize regrets. but who knows, what regrets we might have. so how do we live? the most important thing, is that we're happy. but __ how do i know, if the decisions i make will make me happy or sad later. i mean, i don't exactly know my future. you know? i told you i'm fickle, and i guess, it just proves it all. oh well (: you rock (: cause you always are there to listen to me rant (: and although you don't say much, i know all that you want to say.

BEE HIANG :D
here's your post (:
bo bice- the real thing (:

and this song really speaks of what i wna say to you :D
you can read my mind :O
yes bee hiang, every word i say, i mean it.
our friendship, it's real (:
i don't want you to change, i want you to be the same, cause it's a good thing.
but don't get me wrong, if you do, i'll still think it's a good thing.
whoever you are, whoever you'll be, it's a good thing (:
i want you, to stay the way you are, don't change for others.
the frienship we have is real, keep holding on to it (:
i won't leave bee hiang, i'll always be here, for you (:
we have a lot, the things we share
and i wish to keep it this way forever.
this friendship, keep it forever.
it won't change with anything. (:

guides was fun today (:
i met eugene at coro! lols, that was really conincidantal. (:
we almost finished our scarfs (:
YAY (:

one more thing :D

oswald, you said your abs (or however you spell it) grew,
TELL YOU SOMETHING!
my arm muscles grew :D
ahhahaha :D

lols, okay that was random. pure randomness. lols.

i know she doesn't need advice,
i know she doesn't need opinions,
i know all she needs, is a listening ear.
i know she feels alone,
and i'm going to try, to be all that she needs.
to listen, to be there.
i'm going to try my best my dear.
hope you know this is to you.

i was just looking through some emails. and i've realised how i've changed, and how some others have changed. the way we type, the way we look at things. our language, the way we encourage. but no matter how we've changed, i think it's a good thing. cause i think, we've all changed for the better. (:

happy birthday matthew leong :D
you've been such a marvelous brother. although you're kinda spoilt, kinda annoying, kinda bias with ian and stuff, and steal my chocolates, kinda like a pisser, i still love you! cause you're my brother (: and i have to say, you're darn smart lah. i mean, you're such a freak. second in standard. i mean, quit being so smart lah! (: all in all, you're the man of my life (: heh, and i love you <3>

lols, it's his birthday (:

now, i feel like going church camp. i didn't wna go last time was cause of oswald. but now, i think i'm over that :D and i wna go, but i guess too late. lols. oh well (: i'll be in korea :D from the 28th - 7th. i'll TRY to find alfred :D for some people (:

i think things between me and you are getting better. at least we can sms without quarreling anymore. i don't know if you still read my blog, but i think it's a nice feeling (: to know we haven't lost this friendship we took so long to build up. although i know the trust is prolly not there, and stuff, but we can build it back up again. i just hope you don't take my care an concern as being intrusive. although i don't know if you've stopped smoking or not, but i hope you have. cause i don't really like to see you, or anyone, destroy their own life like that. maybe what you say is true, that your temper has gone down. i don't know. lols, but who cares lah. i could take the worst of your attitudes, so i guess this is no problem (: i'm glad at least we can talk properly now. and i'll remember, your TOY car for your birthday present (:

alot of people are falling sick! get well soon joan :D get well soon joshua chua :D get well soon all those who aren't feeling well :D get well soon, all those who are sad :D

lols, and alfi, i'm reconsidering treating you to ice cream! cause shouldn't you be the one treating me for answering all of your questions huh! lols.

AND CONGRATS TO JOAN FOR GETTING INTO SEC THREE TEAM :D SO PROUD OF YOU (: SO HAPPY FOR YOU (:

my bro got 248 for psle :D
so darn proud of him, although i don't say much.
i really am (:

hope he gets into victoria. can really tell he likes that school alot. hope so (: it's a boderline case, but as long as i have faith, i know it'll come true (:

these few days have been really busy! and it seems like a crime to you, to be busy
with guides precamp training and stuffs (: but it's been really fun. although muddy and sweaty, i still love it. although the headaches and stomach pains, but it's still all really fun. cause i feel love, in this batch (: and i'm not laming, i'm not crapping, i'm talking from my heart.
I LOVE MY PATROL (: toads forever. thank you all for tolerating all my rubbish. lols, i know i'm extremely childish for a patrol second. but thank you all for stil laughing along with me, going along with my retardness. thank you sec ones, xinyun, lin xi, wann qin, for being so easy to get along with. for being so nice. i know i have my short comings, my temper and all, but thank you for never once complaining (: a nice patrol i have (: and i love evelyn (:

things don't come easy, and there's a reason why it all happens. so just hold on, and everything will be alright

ryan called, and something he said really touched me.
i never once doubted you, except when you're angry.

(: it stunned me, i can say. considering the amount of quarrels we both had, and it touched me (:
for once, you said something that touched me (:

i'm in really posting mood today (: lols, i don't know why.

sorry eugene! didn't feel like watching 007 today. lols, some other time maybe :D
but thank you for inviting me! (:
you always cheer me up when i'm oh so down (:

hm, i like chicken soup :D
i like their quotes (:

you never lose by loving, you always lose by holding back♥
it's alright letting yourself go, as long as you can get yourself back.♥
truly loving another means letting go of all expectations. it maens full acceptance, even celebration of another's personhood.♥
some people come into our lives and quickly go. some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts. and we are never, ever the same. ♥
if you judge people, you have no time to love them. ♥♥
a friend, is a gift you give yourself. ♥
it takes alot of understanding, time and trust to gain a close friendship with someone. as i approach a time of my life of complete uncertainty, my friends are my most precious asset. ♥♥
the family - that dear octops from whose tentacles we never quite escape nor, in our inmost hearts, ever quite wish to ♥
first say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do ♥
there are always two choice, two paths to take. one is easy. and its only reward is that it's easy ♥♥
if god can work through me, he can work through anyone ♥
kindness in words creates confidence. kindness in thinking creates profoundness. kindness in giving creates love ♥♥
be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle ♥♥
the greatest gift is a portion of thyself. ♥♥♥
to give pleasure to a single heart by a simgle act is better than a thousand heads bowing in prayer ♥
what's important in life, is how we treat each other ♥♥
the more we know the better we forgive. whoever feels deeply, feels for all who live ♥
when it comes down to it, we all just want to be loved. ♥♥
there are high spots in all of our lives, and most of them come about through encouragement from someone else ♥♥♥
shared joy is double joy. shared sorrow is half sorrow ♥♥
the journey in between what you once were and who you are now becoming is where the dance of life really takes place ♥
you were born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life? ♥♥
although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it. ♥♥
from what we get we can make a living, what we give, however, makes a life ♥
face the thing you fear, and you away with that fear ♥
whatever you are doing, love yourself for doing it. whatever you are feeling, love yourself for feeling it ♥

it's nice (:
hope it can serve as a support of encouragement to those who are down (:

just so you know - jesse mccartney

I shouldn't love you, but I want to
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you, but I can't move
I can't look away

I shouldn't love you, but I want to
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you, but I can't move
I can't look away

And I dont know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make the feelings stop

Just so you know
This feeling's takin' control
Of me and I can't help it
I won't sit around
I can't let him win now
Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go
Of you but I don't want to
I just gotta say it all before I go
Just so you know
It's gettin' hard toBe around you
Theres so much I can't say
Do you want me to hide the feelings
And look the other way

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not'
Cause I don't know how to make the feelings stop

Just so you know
This feeling's takin' control
Of me and I can't help it
I wont sit around
I can't let him win now
Thought you should knowI've tried my best to let go
Of you but I don't want to

I just gotta say it all before I go
Just so you know
This emptiness is killin' me
And I'm wonderin' why I've waited so long
Lookin' back I realize it was always there, just never spoken
I'm waitin' here
Been waitin' here

Oooh

Just so you know
This feeling's takin' control
Of me and I can't help it
I wont sit around
I can't let him win now
Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go
Of you but I don't want toI just gotta say it all before I go
Just so you know
Whoa
Just so you know
Whoa
Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go
Of you but I don't want toI just gotta say it all before I go
Just so you know
Just so you know

cheryl sent me this song :D it was playing while i was digging out prawn shit, for the bbq. and i thought it was nice (: so thank you cheryl ho for sending it to me!

anyway, i'm not going for chalet today ): i'm sorry.
but chalet for the last two days was fun (: i've never laughed so much in ages (:

i like the first day!
met goh bee hiang and jenzi and eunice at whitesands. and all of them ate without me ): but bee hiang was nice and said she'll eat with me :D but she didn't! she only drank okay! pig. and we took a million years to decide on where to eat. and ended up eating macs. oh wow. lols. all of them bully me alright. jenzi took my nuggets and drowned it in chilli sauce and stuffed it into my mouth. i didn't know it was full of chilli so i just ate. then i was like, wth so hot. lols. and my mouth was dripping chilli sauce. lols. tsktsk jenzi! then as we were about to leave, iris came :D
then jas and cher and trish came :D i left with jas and cher and trish and iris instead (: so we took the bus. lols. and out came all the soft toys :D when we reached there right, jenzi's aunty wasn't there yet so well, we started crapping around. lols. and trish! she was super sick lah! about all the boobs dropping out and stuff. LOLS. she amuses me (: and bee hiang finally understands why i say when you hit people, don't hit the fats, cause fats hurt. LOLS. inside thingy (: so bee hiang, you know, finally understand eh!
then we checked in, like super late! and we went cycling :D and we all cycled the two people one. ehh, what's that called? but haiyah, you guys know what i'm talking about lah :D then i had to cycle with bee hiang =/ LOLS. but it was fun with her okay :D she made me laugh like shit lah. i was sitting behind, so i had no control over the bike. then she kept taking off her hands. i can't stand it! it's damn freaky! cars and bikes, alike. both hands on the wheel at all times! no scaring me. lols. i love bee hiang loads (: and it started to rain when we were cycling back. lols. oh oh! and the bike bee hiang and i took, had no brakes. which freaked me out even more, and she went super fast lah! she didn't realise that poor charis behind was so freaked out. lols. bee hiang, you made me laugh a lot lah! (:
and then we went back (: and we started playing cards. lols. and cheryl bianca and nana came (: and that's when everything turned gay. lols. it's scary at night ): and there was an odd number! scary =/ lols.

second day. ehh, was gross.
lols. i came from guides. which had already made me all sweaty and stuff. and so i had to marinate the stuffs, cause they all went to cycle. so that left me and cheryl to marinate. lols, like last year (: just that nana wasn't marinating this year ): lols, cheryl marinating is funny. she'll take all the fun jobs! leaving me the not nice jobs ): like, taking out prawn shit -.- lols. but it was fun lah (: and chickens err, have their periods too! lols. i was being damn gay cause i was high. and i saw joan (: and qc. omg, and when i called joan, wah lao, qc was damn noisy lah! lols. and the bbq was a whole big mess. lols. i slept on bianca's bed when i was dirty =/ sorry my dear! lols.

i think chalet has made some people bond more (:
i'll never really find anything like twoten. so special (:

i realised i've been living in my world of helplessness for too long. that i've forgotten that others have feelings too. that others have their problems too. that i've forgot to ask, forgot to care. i should stop caring for no one but myself. open my eyes, and realise there's so many people who need me more. no matter how strong, how independent, everyone, needs me. so i shan't coop myself up, i shall go out, and be who i was. someone who cared. (:

joan always used this emotion.

:/ + >:( + :( = >:'/
and this, is what i'm feeling now

it's been a really heavy burden.

chalet :D

thank goodness iris made me realise i could go. lols, if not i think i'll be like an idiot, staying at home wondering why everyone's not online. lols.

:D thank you iris siow :D

i read this very nice er, thing in chicken soup (:

please listen
when i ask you to listen to me
and you start giving me advice,
you have not done what i asked.
when i ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why
i shouldn't feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.
when i ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem,
you have failed me,
strange as it may seem.
listen! all i ask is that you listen.
don't talk or do - just hear me.
advice is cheap; 20 cents will get
you both drea abby and billy graham
in the same newspaper.
and i can do for myself; i am not helpless.
maybe discouraged and faltering,
but not helpless.
when you do something for me that i can
and need to do for myself,
you contribute to my fear and inadequacy.
but when you accept as a simple fact
that i feel what i feel,
no matter how irrational,
then i can stop trying to convince
you and get about this business
of understanding what's behind this irrational feeling.
and when that's clear, the answers are
obvious and i don't need advice.
irrational feelings make sense when
we understand what's behind them.
perfaps that's why prayer works, sometimes,
for some people - because god is mute,
and he doesn't give advuce or try
to fix things.
god just listens and lets you work it out for yourself.
so please listen, and just hear me.
and if you want to talk, wait a minute
for your turn- and i will listen to you.

it really spoke to me. that i should shut up and listen. there no need for advice, no need for solving problems. all i need is to shut up, and listen.

i realised i only start to get all upset and stuff when i'm alone, so i shall go out more :D
and mummy seems to realise that too. lols, maybe that's why she lets me go out (:

bbq was fun :D
HUR TOO BAD YOU HO JIA QIAN! YOU PANG SEH ME! so no fun for you :D
it was really fun (: i mean, fun in it's own way. i love faith lah (: i think her laughter is damn cute. and when she laughs, i can't help but laugh. lols. cause her laughter is funny. so we played card games through the night, and i kept losing. lols. but i know eugene kept giving in to me. playing smaller cards so i could win. thank you very much :D BUT I ALSO KNOW, you peeped at my cards! lols. tsk tsk! but still, thank you :D overall it was fun (: and i miss han class people ):

ehh, can it be called area gathering?
lols, not really lah :D only me, shawn the prawn, shawn, joan, rachel, gerlaine, and glen. lols, so it's not really area gathering lah :D but still, i think it was fun (: esp the last part of the day =/ stupid people lah! keep throwing rocks into the wading pool. so rachel, lols, pretended to step on the stones and kicked water at them. lols. LALALA. rachel rocks (: and the ride home was amusing. i was screaming my head off, cause shawn didn't hold on to the steering wheel. HE LET BOTH HANDS GO OKAY! and when i said he did, he claimed he didn't! BUT HE DID LAH! so i kept looking at the steering wheel, to make sure his hands were on it. i was freaking out lah. lols. and i think he sorta enjoyed watching me freak out. sadistic. and glen! tsk tsk! he took my leftovers from longjohns and gave it to his sister for dinner! if my brothers ever did that to me, i think i'll just strangle them alive or something. but it was a nice outing :D and we made a deal okay! SHAWN, THE NEXT AREA GATHERING, ON DEC 2, WILL BE AT VIVO, TO PICK UP ROCKS, do cip :D and then, we shall go to the snowing place! i don't care! that's the next area gathering, no matter how much you object :D and so, while i was waiting at joan's house for my parents to come, we were talking about kenneth. LOLS. i laughed till i couldn't stand properly lah. he's super amusing, lols, and not to mention freaky. :D

these two days, have been better (:

area gathering is cancelled ):
BOO HOO!

but today we're going to wu lao shi's house :D
lols, i miss jia qian and hanyu and eugene so much lah :D
esp eugene ho! lols, haven't seen him for so long! neither has he called anytime these few weeks! and i haven't heard his crap for so long :D and he hasn't heard my rantings yet! so i miss him loads :D i bet today's gna be so crap with him and me together. something wu lao shi said:
eugene+charis=havoc.
lols. oh well :D i hope today will be one helluva nice time for me :D and for everyone else (:

pls just don't play with me,
my paper heart will bleed.

lols, random song! listening to it, and the lyrics just typed out (:

JOAN IS BACK! finally. i missed you loads you know! i had no one to rant to with you gone! ahh, don't become cheena :D but still, i'd still love you if you're cheena :D lols, you're finally back! oh gosh, i love you!

i need some laughter, i need some joy in my life, now (:
cause i don't know, i need to get my mind of things! i need to do things on my own, and live my life on my own. without needing a particular someone to be there, for me to be happy. i need to learn how to do it, on my own (: and i'm sure i can. i just have to learn.

these few days have been really busy D:
and it's been quite hard, to catch up with everyone and all.

guides has made my holiday like not an holiday at all, but somehow, it's guide sessions that help me get my mind off stuff (:
we're growing closer as a batch, can you guys tell? although there's still someone other people, at least we're trying to support each other now. and at least we are all trying our best for each other. and although some of us don't think "guides is our thing", but for our batch mates, we're giving off our best (: i think that's such a nice thing.
well, i've been going back to school alot these few days :D yesterday we went back, and someone didn't come to school. she had the disc and everything lah. but oh well. so we just did our scarf. OOH :D my scarf is taking shape :D finally! at least now, i see something, and not just a lump of somethings! lols.
and i bought next year books :D i think the cover is ugly! but oh well :D
OH OH, AND I FINALLY BOUGHT NEW SOCKS! i bet 6 of you, are saying, like finally!

it's a scary thought to be in a new environment and all.
and it's even a more scary thought that i don't really have anyone.
and the most scary thought, is that, have you guys forgotten me? just talking about 311 and 312. how about 306?
don't worry bee hiang (: i promised, i'll kiss my ass for you to see if i can't keep my promise (:

alfi has been calling like a million times in a day, these few days. and he's amusing. haven't really talked to him in two years, and i thought it'd be awkward, but i guess, it isn't all that bad (: but tsk, he calls to ask me about another girl. lols, but it's fun to entertain his questions :D

i may be able to go chalet :D i didn't know korea trip was not during chalet! i finally realised! OOH, so i'm gna ask daddy today! i wna gooooo! :D

and there's many things, between me and you, that i'm not sure of, and i need to solve first.

i'm very excited :D
i'm very excited :D
i'm very excited :D
i'm very excited :D
i'm very excited :D

nicholas lee is going for a job interview at toys r us and suntec :D
i want him to get the job!
cause it rocks! man, there has nice memories :D
eh mr toiletbowl, let me know whether you got the job asap!
and make sure you get me a nice toy :D

and cher is sending me pokemon now!
get ready for the pokemon craze! yay, thanks cher :D
i love cher loads lahhhh!
and i'll CONSIDER getting the green bottle! as long as there are no cutie strawberries! lols, pokemonnnnnnnn!

okay i'm going mad :D
toys r us, and pokemon.
the two things that make me high :D

and i changed the photo (:
choral drama night picture :D
koped from ethel's blog, hope you don't mind :D
i love max! can you all see max! he's wearing specs :D
and i love muthu :D moustache!

<3

And something I shall take away from today’s movie I watched is,

Just what is it that I want in life?
And the answer I thought of, the whole way back on the mrt is, I have no idea what I want.
And I’m disappointed with myself.

I tried thinking of answers man, I swear I did. If I don’t even know what I want in life, then how am I going to achieve it? maybe the show is right. I have learnt not to want anything, in case I don’t get it, or I don’t even have a chance of trying it, then I won’t get disappointed. I don’t know, that’s how I feel. It ain’t being a kindergarten school teacher that I want. It isn’t. it isn’t mummy’s dream for me, becoming a speech therapist. I just, don’t know what I want.

And this made me think, I don’t want to go through life like this man. That’ll suck like shit. Not knowing what I want. Not being able to achieve anything. And even if I did achieve anything, so what?! I didn’t even aim for it, it isn’t even achieving cause I never even tried my best for it. so it was just pure luck. I don’t want to be a failure in life, I don’t want to just pass life like that. I’m living this life only once man, so am I just going to let it pass like that? No, no way I am going to let that happen.

I realized, I know what I don’t want. I know very well, what I don’t want in life. but I don’t know what I want. I mean, what’s the point of knowing what you don’t want cause you’ll never know what you want this way. I thought about it real hard, and I’m still thinking. What do I want. I want things that are so materialistic, but yet, I want things that can’t be seen and can’t be bought. And I’m starting to figure it all out, that I’m greedy, and I’m scared of hardship. I’m scared of being poor, and I’m scared of being left alone. I mean, I’m being so greedy, I want the best of all worlds which I jolly know very well I can never have.

I want to leave an impact on people’s lives, I want them to remember me, even after I die. It’s a selfish thought, and with a selfish motive, but I mean, I really don’t want to be forgotten. It’s a scary thought. I mean, like after you die, and no one remembers you, then why did you even live? When years later, to all the people on earth, no one called charis leong ever existed. Isn’t it such a scary thought? To be forgotten? I want to be remembered, cause I don’t want to be forgotten. That’s why I’m trying, I really am to be the best I can be. Maybe that’s why people say I’m fake, I don’t know. Maybe this is called motive, called being fake in being nice. I don’t know man. But well, there may be selfish motives behind, but when I care, I guess it really comes from the heart.

I realized, I’ve become more and more insecure, of my actions, of my thoughts. And maybe I’ve figured why I can’t seem to share anymore. cause I think my thoughts are too immature, too childish, too little for any others to know. Who knows, they may laugh man. I can’t read hearts, I can’t read minds, and I, truthfully, am scared of what people think of me, and I care damn a lot about what they think of me. can anyone tell? I guess, this is when I let it all out.

Mummy’s right. I’ve changed. I’ve changed a lot. In the past, I was never this havoc. In the past, I never laughed so loudly. In the past, I never got pissed at anyone. In the past, I didn’t mind being laughed at. In the past, I didn’t mind being the butt of every joke. In the past, I didn’t mind people making use of me. in the past, I never laughed when I didn’t think it was funny. In the past, I never had to think if what I’m feeling is right or wrong. In the past, I didn’t have to smile when I didn’t feel like smiling. And in the past, I was never what I am now. I’ve changed so much. Not saying that I don’t like the person who I am now, but life was easier when we were younger, although I faced, considerably more problems. Maybe this is the growing age, the feeling age, so they call it. and I guess because I feel more, I have more pride in me now, I begin to feel more, how do you describe it, betrayed when things don’t go the way I thought they would. I feel more put down when someone says something not nice about me, when in the past, I would just laugh it off. I guess it’s sinking in, all those comments, over the years. I thought I could laugh it off, but I guess it was just at the surface, and now it’s all starting to sink in. and I begin to question, is it all true? I mean, of course, if people say those thing, it’s to a certain extent true, but you know, it’s pretty hard to accept all those things about yourself.

And now, I’m really pretty like, how would you even describe it. like alright, if this goes well, good! If it doesn’t go the way I wanted it to, then well, I don’t really care much anymore. cause I guess, I’m used to it. In my mind, when someone says something not nice, when I see an act which I don’t exactly like, I’ll be like saying to myself, “I hate to prove you right charis, but you’re right”. I wish at times like this, I’d be proven wrong. I really want to be wrong this time. But time and time again, I’m being proved right. I know I’m too idealistic about this world, and I should accept the fact that it ain’t all that perfect and stuff. But it’s hard. and I’m trying. I’m still trying, and I don’t plan on giving up.

But I guess life’s not all that bad. I have those who have proven me wrong. And I thank those people, who prove me wrong. Cause without them, I don’t know where’d that leave me. probably, just, no where. Like what was said in one litre of tears, there are hurtful glances, but there are also always kind and gentle glances. And I won’t always look at those gentle and kind ones, cause then I’ll be hiding away from part of this world, but in times of need, I’ll look at the gentle and kind ones, so I know, I’m not in it alone. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. Who knows if we’re still going to be alive tomorrow. No one knows. So I’m going to live my life, with a smile, although I feel so much like crying. Cause what if tomorrow I can’t smile again? so when I can live happily, I guess I should. And there’s always a positive side to everything, and I have to look at that positive things. Of course, not overlooking the negative things, so I can improve and think about them, reflect, but I guess what’s important, is to fix my eyes on what is important, what is good. And things will be better.
I’m not saying my life’s not good now. It’s great, and to be here now, I’m really thankful. But the show just made me think of a lot of things. It’s a good show to watch (: everyone should go and watch it.

Went out with people today :D Cheryl, cher, jas, nana, trish (:

JAS LOOK HERE!
I miss going out with them! Went vivo :D I love vivo! Vivo is cool :D I like the wading pool! And I like the playground :D jas and I are still kids at heart! So we both ran like idiots across so many people to get to the playground. And when we got to the playground, we turned back, and we were like, WHERE ARE THE REST! Lols, I thought we lost them or something lah, but turned up, they were at the shop. So ohwell (: jas and I wanted to sit on the see saw! But other kids kept stealing our places! So we ALL ended up sitting on the turning thingy magic! And it was super fun lah :D well, at least for me (: I was laughing and laughing, it was scary! Not my fault! Jas is the best playground mate :D I love jas :D

And the wading pool :D
Oh man, my skirt got all wet! But it was so fun lah :D so it was all worth it! we walked one whole big round! Wading pool! I love throwing stones! We all stood in one line, and threw stones and the count of three, I think I can imagine how retarded we looked! Lols. I bet there were people laughing at us lah! Sure have, cause we looked super retarded! Cher and I walked together for a while :D ooo, I love her :D

We all bought trishy wishy her birthday present! I love trishy wishy :D trishy wishy, don’t you love me too! Lols. <3

Let me see, today how many packets of ketchup did we use? I know I went to take 6, and nana took 5. and the aunty gave jas 2 I think. So in total, 13! Chey, so little. But well, at least for once we didn’t take too many packets of ketchup :D I’m so proud of us :D

I wanted to do the sand thing! Stupid jas don’t want to do with me! hurmph! Jas, don’t friend you already lah! Lols, just kidding (: I wouldn’t abandon jas!

TOYS R US! Omg omg omg. I saw the doll with nana lah! And it freaked the hell out of me! it like just suddenly blinked! And then we tried showing it to the rest, and they weren’t even scared at all -.- lols, the funniness of the 6 of us together. But we sure missed Bianca loh :D

Okay I think I shall stop! :D
I love today (:
And I really did enjoy myself.

OH ONE MORE THING, I love that shop! All of us loved it lah! Esp Cheryl ho! Lols. That’s such a Cheryl ho shop! I love the typing machine though (: I shall do something like that and give it to nana for her to practice typing :D

lols, nicholas lee is entertaining (:
he wears spongebob boxers! and he doesn't like china ): i love china :D and he lives in a toilet bowl (: and etc.

well, thank you for cheering me up.

but now i'm back to this self again. ):

i need you; LeAnn rimes (:

I don't need a lot of things
I can get by with nothing
Of all the blessings life can bring
I've always needed something
But I've got all I want
When it comes to loving you
You're my only reason
You're my only truth

I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From heaven's gate
There's a freedom in your arms
That carries me through
I need you

You're the hope that moves me
To courage again
You're the love that rescues me
When the cold winds, rage
And it's so amazing'
cause that's just how you are
And I can't turn back now'
cause you’ve brought me too far

I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From heaven's gate
There's a freedom in your arms
That carries me through
I need you
Oh yes I do

I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From heaven's gate
There's a freedom in your arms
That carries me through
I need you
Oh yes I do
I need you
I need you

irwin lau sent me this nice song :D and i think i'm addicted to it or something (: it's really nice (: down load it! and you'll see :D cause it's really nice! and the lyrics are nice too! and.. it's just super nice lah :D

i acknoledge the fact that sometimes people don't mean it, when they say hurting things. i know that most of the time, they don't mean a single thing. but thing is, don't push it. if you've said it once, i let it go, then stop right there. don't go on about it, cause giving in once, doesn't mean i'll keep giving in. cause i have my limits, just like everyone else. so pls, i have feelings too.

yesterday was one busy day (:
first thing in the morning, rushed down to church. for the riverlife kindgergarten performance. i think, and i felt quite redundant. maybe cause i didn't know what was going on, and well, no one wanted me in the way. so i guess. oh well (: and i think, kids are losing their innocence. i sat there, wathcing them play, not playing with them for the first time, and i looked, so much snatching, so much lies when i tried to stop the fighting. oh well (:
and i don't like the way people look at kids with special needs. i mean, it's not like they're inhuman or something. they feel too okay, and when he cried, you should treat him like any other kid, and go there and comfort him, and not just let him cry, and let him be, and let him cry so hard just cause he has a special need, and needs more patience, and more attention. cause to me, you're just shriking your responsibility. and not to mention, right in front of his face, saying that he was "problem kid #1, and the other is problem kid #2" i mean, yeah maybe like what you said, they don't understand, but if YOU, as a person who "cares" for them calls them that, and give them such a hurting expression, then what more the outside world? if YOU as a christian, can't bring yourself to love him, can't bring yourself to his level to talk to him, then why talk about the love of god? why be so christ righteous, when you can't even do a simple loving act for this child? i always thought you were nice, but i guess, impressions change. when i talk to kids, i'll bend down, cause i respect them, i don't want them to look up at me, cause i hate looking up to people too. so don't come preaching to me about how i shouldn't bend down and looking stupid and all, cause i don't care if i look stupid, i care about the relationship i have with those kids. so stop it, cause it's hurting to hear you say all those words. and i guess, it's all cause we're so imperfect, that we need god, not cause we deserve his love, but cause we're just too sinful, and we need his love to tide us through.
then after that, at about one plus, went to visit mae-ann at her house (: she's discharged, praise god (: this is unfair, she grew 4 cm after the op! and she was poking fun at me lah! so mean. and now, as usual, i'm shorter than her. lols. but it's alright, i don't mind, cause she deserves 4 cm after such a painful operation (: we talked, and well, i think she really cheered up when we went to visit her. her mum said she ate, more than she ever did after the op (: and that she really "perked" up alot. that's the word she used! and i'm glad, to be there for her, cause i would like someone to be there for me too, if i had to go through such a painful op.
then went to pasir ris to get my brother's birthday party stuff. troublesome boy! today's his party anyway :D but his birthday is on the 25th. so yeah (: i officially declare, that parties are expensive! the goodie bags itself cost about 150. =/ i hope he has fun today (: and i hope the party doesn't screw or something. oh, and pls, no rain (:
then i went to church. the sermon was confusing. in order to really know what it is to fear god, you have to love god. in order to really know what it is to love god, you must fear god. (: i didn't really understand at first, but i asked mum and she explained to me. it's like a relationship between the parents and a child. when the child is young, naturally he would obey the parents cause of the fear of what the parents can do to him. and it's at this stage, where if the child loves the parent or not is important. see, if the child doesn't love the parent, then when he grows up, there's no more fear, cause i mean, parents will somehow or rather lose their "power" sometime. so if there's no love, the child would just "break free" of the relationship with the parents. but if there's love, then the child, even when the parents have no control, and no say, the child will listen and will obey. cause he loves his parents, he doesn't want to hurt them, he doesn't want to see them sad. so he'll do anything, to make them happy, cause he fears them, and he loves them. yes, in my own words it seems rather messy, but that's the main point i guess. and pastor vincent lun asked a very good question, "in 2007, what would you want to bring with you to the next year?" and the answer, should be the very presence of god. cause with that, i have everything. and without it, i have nothing. to say for this year, 2006, i have god in my life, and that's what, brought me through all those tough times. thank you god (:
then i went to jayna's house for dinner (: okay this is sure on helluva' day isn't it! i ate a lot =/ greedy :D then we played taboo (: and then we watched johnny english? or something like that! it was fun, (: cause normally i don't play with the kids anymore. i talk with the adults, lols, antisocial me (: but today was fun, and i guess, it's not all that bad :D

okay that was my day :D a long tiring day (:

ps, irwin get well soon :D
pps, just a random thought, i miss 7 of us (:
ppps, i want to go to church today, but cause of my brother's birthday party i can't ):
pppps, joshua chua i had a cho to cheer you up yesterday, but i forgot to give it to you. next sunday maybe (:

and it's all starting to sink in,
that fact. that i may actually be really seriously sick.
but no one knows.
if i die tomorrow, what would you guys miss about me? or would i be another passing stranger?

It has been bugging me a lot. And I do not even know if you even care, that I am bothered by it. I really do not know.

You said that I preferred her to you, but thing is, now that I have stopped the prejudice, have you? Something that really hurts me. When I just say "hi" to you online, you would not even respond. I mean, how am I supposed to feel? When I know you obvious are at your computer. Are we not supposed to do unto others what we want others to do unto us? I know, maybe I have hurt you deeply in the past, but is that not a thing of the past? I know it may not be that easy to forget the hurt, but I was hurt too. We are all entitled to our own hurts, and at our own pace, recover from our hurts. but, how do I even phrase my emotions. I do not know. It is like as though, every effort I put, goes unnoticed. Maybe you will say that it is not the case, but my feelings, they cannot be controlled, and if they feel that way, and even I know it may not be the case, but the feelings are there to stay, are they not? If I could learn, to not feel, I would. Maybe if I could learn just to justify things with logic, with my head, I would. But it is not all that simple, is it? I want you to see, that I am hurt. cause I do not know, what to do anymore, what to say anymore, cause what if it all goes unnoticed, unappreciated, or what if they whole thing just backfires? And I just make you feel worse. I mean, it is inevitable that I think of such things, after all that has been happening. I have tried my upmost, to let this not affect me, cause I tell myself, you need time. But I am tired, really am.

And then it all goes back to the question, do you even care?

And why I want to be a kindergarten teacher when I grow up. I have thought a lot about it, after that incident, after that CIP at that primary school. It really made me think, what right did I have to become a teacher, when thing is, I did not even have the patience for that one boy. What was wrong with me, I do not know. Maybe it just is not my nature to be patient. My parents always say I am too fierce, I am too over domineering. And just to listen to that, I have had enough. That is the way I express my love to those I am really close to. Cause I do not want them to get hurt, so I tell them what to do. I do not want them to do the wrong thing, so I be fierce, to make sure they listen. And I nag too, that I know. Cause to me, only people who are worth it, who will listen, I will nag. It is all cause I love and I care. Why cant you guys see? I know it is not the best way to express my love, my care, my concern, but really, I do not know any other way how to. I cannot possibly be encouraging those I love, everyday. Cause I would get tired too, do you not understand? So how can I be a teacher, when my love language is as such? But I really love kids. Ask me why, and I will tell you.

Where can you find, such innocence? It is not within our control to get a little polluted here and there in the mind cause of this world. But they, are so ignorant, and what do they know? " jiejie, what is a condom? Is it the shortform of condominium?" and then they would go around singing, I live in a condom, I live in a condom. And if an adult were to do that, he would be stereotyped as mentally unstable, but yet for a small kid, we would think it is so innocent, so very innocent. How much of the world have they not seen, how much of this cruel world have they not seen. I envy them, they know so much, because they do not seek to understand more. They accept things the way it is, they do not go around and try to twist and turn that fact, because they know it is a fact, and even if they do not like the fact, they would just forget about it after a while. Not saying that it does not affect them, it does, but they know, that there is nothing they can do about it. and they let it go. And it is so hard, for us, who are so much older, to learn to let go. Ironic world. They find joy, in such simple things. Be it a simple smile at them, or a simple game. I was at the airport that day, at swensens. And I was sitting at this table with my family. And just in front of us, there were these two small kids. And I just smiled at them, and they got so delighted, they kept turning back. Do not get me wrong, I am not trying to be ego here, just stating what I feel. And then I was a little hyper that night, I started playing peek a boo with them. And really, when you see how happy they were, it just makes you feel so happy. And trust me, the laughter you bring to them, it is not easily forgotten. I left swensens. And went to walk around. And when we were going home, it so happened that they were driving off too. And both of them round down the car window, and said byebye to me. they asked me to take care. And I just felt so cared for, so loved. Kids, they just say what they feel. There is not pretence, there is no lies. Kids do not lie, cause they see no point in doing so. That is what they feel, so that is what they shall say. Now a days, people will say I forgive you, I love you, take care, I am sorry, etc, but how much of it do they mean? You cannot really tell. But when kids say that they forgive me, they really do. I can see it, I can tell. They’d forget, they’d come and tickle me. they’d make things seem so normal again. when they say I love you, they mean it. when my nose bleed in church that day, they all asked, if I was alright. If I needed a plaster. Ironically, I did not need a plaster for a bleeding nose, but their innocence, really made me laugh, although I really hate nose bleeds. And when they say I am sorry, when they do something wrong, they do really mean it. and if you do not forgive them, or if I am still angry, they can tell. And they would just run to me, and give me a big hug, and tell me, if I would not forgive them, they would not let go. At such a time like that, when they say things as such, how can my heart not melt, how can I bare not to forgive. They would not do it again, and they mean it. they would try their best, to never do it again. and when you say that they are forgiven, the gratitude, the thankfulness on their face, it is just so obvious, written everywhere on their faces.

Maybe these are not valid reasons why I love kids, maybe they are just my worldly desires of what I want this world to be. But there is this indescribable love I have for kids, when I see them. And yes, I lose my patience with them at times, and that is what makes me love them even more. Because they know why I am angry, and they would stop doing it. they would not get angry with me for getting angry with them, but they would know. And they would say they are sorry. Maybe this all seems one sided, cause at times it seems one sided to me too, but I just cannot explain myself. I envy them, for most of all, their childlike faith. How they can just trust without questioning, I envy. Would I become a teacher one day? Would I be qualified enough?

Going to visit mae-ann at the hospital for the last three days have been really tiring, but yet, fulfilling. Not that I am particularly close to her, but going there for the last three days from 12-8, has made me grow closer to her. I have always had this problem with relating to younger people. Cause I feel like, they have their own thinking already, and what I do may contradict it, so I chose to keep it to myself. and they are at that age, where they will judge. So I do not think I should be that childish, in case they think I am some childish freak. But talking to mae-ann, acting retarded with Daniel for her, has made me grown to realise that at times like such, where she just had a major operation, it is when she needs people who will talk to her, who will make her forget about the pain, cause it is just too painful. It’s at times like this, when whatever you do, she will appreciate it. like just fanning the operation wound on her back for her, once in a while, she is really thankful. And at times like this, without support, I do not think it will be easy. Although it is really tiring to go down there, so far, but I think it is so worth it. I think it is tiring to act retarded, to act hyper when you are not, but seeing that laugh on her face, it makes me feel better. She’s a P6, and she has to go through so much. I think she deserves it, the support, the love, from everyone. But I think Daniel is brave too. For a sec one, to accompany me all the way down there, to accompany her with me, although I know it is tiring for him too, he never once said so. Yesterday, once we got into my parents car, we both slept. I guess it shows, how tiring, yet fulfilling it is, for both me and Daniel. And I thank god, for mae-ann, for giving me this experience, to know that support is so important in difficult times. And that a little love goes a long way, and a lot of love, goes on for a life time.

I have to lean on the lord's strength, not on my own understanding. I have to trust in the lord, not on my own understanding. And in all I do, I will acknowledge him, and god will make my path straight for me. and with his hand in mine, I will go where he leads me. His ways are higher than mine, he has reasons that I may never understand, but in him, I will trust, I will not lean on my own understanding. Bless my thoughts, my dreams, and my imagination lord. And step-by-step lord, delight in your creation as we learn to delight in your love. there are many things which the world does not understand, but I know, my god understands. And that is reason enough, for me to be strong.

one of the best days of my life :D

lols, had no time to update yesterday, so i shall edit my post today! warning, i think i'm high. lols.

i went out with irwin lau :D ahhahaha. and he was damn stupid lah! he wore a long sleeve shit-.- damn funny lah, and there he was complaining, "damn hot damn hot", and he thinks it's cause HE'S HOT, but thing is, it's the shirt making you hot my dear! so don't be too ego :D ahhah, and he said "i think, if i go to hell, there'd be no more hell, cause i'd be too hot, and burn up hell. so hell would just be ashes. and satan would ask me to go away, cause i'd be too hot, and i'd burn him", lols, or something like that! and i was like "what the hell", then he said, don't what the hell me, say what the heaven :D -.- ahhaha, he made me laugh alot lah!

and he has a bad sense of direction :D so he can NEVER EVER be a tour guide! we walked round the esplanade twice, cause we couldn't find our way. lols. and we got lost in the esplanade building itself. lols. omg, i'm laughing to myself -.- then he started buay song-ing some poor kids. lols, so annoying. oh oh, and every single mirror there is, he would never fail to look at himself -.- ego person.

AHHH, and at suntec, i found the atm :D lols. and i said, that actually i wanted the coin one but at OG they didn't have, and omg, he went to ask the person standing there. wth, so embarassing lahhhh. lols. okay i think this post is gay ><

AND SOME PEOPLE, didn't eat breakfast, and didn't eat lunch, and when i said go and eat, SOME PEOPLE, refused. so see lah, end up with gastric. lols, but it was funny. oh well, LALALA.

okay i shan't continue with a gay post, it seems too gay to be true! lols. in short, it was a marvelous day :D

HAVE A GOOD FLIGHT JOAN :D

ytd was fun :D
somehow, now i think there's a barrier between us. it's not even a friendship, not even an accuintance, or whatever you call it. it's more like, "i don't want you near me, go away" kinda thing. so maybe this is the way it should be, or maybe it's cause of my "kpo-ness" that's why it's become this way. frankly, i don't know, and i don't really feel like knowing, or caring. cause everytime i do, i figrue it is't worth it. i don't know why i bothered to ask you that day, i guess i thought there was a change, in the tension between us. but i guess not. and i think, i shouldn't try anymore. i give up.
the concert was nice (: i think the sequence of the songs were marvelous (:
and do you even care for me anymore? or are you just too occupied? it's a heartwrenching thought
i think i would have died if joshua wasn't there today lah, inside thing. i just don't want to be left alone with him. cause it feels awkward. and thank you joshua for chasing him away (: okay, so maybe not chasing, but you know i didn't feel comfortable (: thank you! (:

i kept fumbling. darn, i think i lost it.
oh well. it's over (:

and i'm pretty sad that everything's over ): how i wish time could have just stopped on stage, and everything will stay as 210. nvm :D i got flowers yesterday (: and a nice letter from bianca, and a nice pencil from cher (: and a nice heartshaped thing, from jenzi bee hiang and eunice (: oh yay, i love two ten :D

i think we did great :D to everyone who performed, i think you guys did great (: well done :D, after all that hard work, we went through it, together (:

and quit saying i'm short mum, cause it sucks. like as if i want it, and it seriously gets to me. esp when you're the one who gave birth to me. how would you feel if you kept being called short? even by the one, who says that she can accept you for whoever you are. how would you feel.

i'm scared, i'm nervous.
one last time, what if i screw it up?
one last time, can i make it memorible?
one last time, i want this to be the best time, can it be?
i just don't want, to see any sadness today.
and i hope i ain't the one showing it.
):

i can't seem to accept the fact, this is our last thing, we're going to do, together, as on class. and it's hurting, and saddening. i don't know, how to explain this feeling. this fear, that everything, may be gone after this. everyone will just move on, then will i be left behind, to think of our class? sigh. i don't want anything to change, from what it is now, cause it's so perfect. everyone loves everyone. everyone's so nice to everyone. sigh

thank you for your wellwish this morning (: it helped me loads my dear person (: thank you, for all you've done for me. <3

thanks joan (:
for i wasn't feeling too good after being scolded, thank you for telling me all that you said, cause it made me feel much better. and thank you for being so patient (: thank you, cause you make things so much better. what would i do without you! <3

i'm online, but i'm not talking to anyone. and i started thinking, and i figured something out :D
I'M WEIRD :D

yeah, i bet you a million bucks, i'm weird beyond description. cause i contridict myself. as in, my own thoughts, my own behaviour. i don't do what i preach, i say one thing and i do another. i don't know, but then again, it makes me feel stupid. to know that this works, but i do just that. it's amusing, yet annoying. i don't know, but i think, it aine't all that easy to do what you preach. i'm weird (:

i bet some of you all are laughing to yourself already lah! "like finally she realised she's weird!" i bet some of you are thinking that! it's alright (: i know i'm weird, i guess.. i always knew (:

i feel out of place, what happened to the close friends i once had? hur. life's a joke (:

cheryl wants me to post, at this time, when my brain is already dead!

we all have our insecurities, but __ that aine't what love is (: i promise, it aine't that way (: don't feel bad, cause there's nothing to feel bad about. and remember, if there's no one to turn to, i'm here, always!

i have nothing more to post about, except that i feel, exceptionally bad for yesterday. i'm sorry

Bianca, I’m glad that, at least on my part, I’ve learned to open up. Maybe it’s a little too late, but at least I did. And I’m proud to say, that I love you (: we’ve been through a lot, and we’re not all that alike, to be truthful. And we’ve never really been close, that I have to say. But you’ve helped me, and I guess there are times where you really care and love me. And I can’t be more grateful to have found a friend like you. I love you

Cheryl, thank you for all your voices of concern. Thank you for all the time, for all the emails, for all the talks. Something I can’t use words to express my gratitude for. And thank you for sharing with me your ipod :D I know I can get irritating! But thank you for still sharing with me!

Cherie, I love you I love you I love you (: I think she’s the world’s best assistant Monitress! Whoever agrees say “I”! I! (: and I think she’s the best friend you can ever have when you feel so insecure, when you feel like the whole world hates you, and you feel so left out. She’ll always be there for you. well, at least she was there for me. I think cher, you rock! Regardless of what others say (:

EugeNANA, I’ve been lacking much as a friend, and I know. I may have hurt you; I may have made you sad. But one thing I have to take back, cause now I think differently, and I have to say, “I think your house is pretty” (: I’m sorry for saying otherwise those times, and I think it must have hurt you. but thank you, for all those times you made me smile, all those times your comments made all of us laugh. And cause of you, I’ve always found a reason to smile (:

JasMINA, for always being jasmine (: someone who will always smile, who will never fail to make me realise, I have no right to be sad. Amina, you are a beautiful woman! Sometimes blur, but well, at least I have some company :D I have you for company to be blur with! You always make me laugh to myself lah, when I turn around, to find you sleeping on your table (: and it always makes me smile, to see you. no, I’m not les. But there’s something in you that makes me feel so envious. I love you amina (:

TriSHY wishy, you woman who’s video made me cry ): trish, you’ve been a blessing. For all those times the things you say make us all laugh, for all those times when you voiced out all of our opinions to the teachers. For all those times when after we cry, you never fail to make me laugh again. For teaching me the art to rebel, I thank you (: love you tricia lee :D

Irwin lau, thank you for always being there when I need someone. For always making me laugh with your “okay okay, increase to ten packets of tissue plus two shoulders” etc, and each time it just keeps increasing. Thank you for not being your old insensitive self, in the past. And laugh when I was upset. For now you always know what to say, always know what to do to make me smile again. Sometimes I take out my anger on you, and I’m sorry. Thank you for your calls, that make me feel a whole lot better, and thank you for insisting talking to me, even when your dad asked you to put down the phone cause you knew I wasn’t alright. Thank you. You’ve made a difference in my life (:

Iris siow, for always being the retarded, slow woman :D who never fails to make me laugh at your most retarded comments, and most lame words (: for you know, they never fail to make me laugh in amusement. And thank you for accompanying me home, and sharing the secret of staying young :D my dear, you’re amazing!

Eugene ho, I think you have the most patience man :D well, at least with me. I think in this whole list, you’re the one I have to thank the most. Cause over this two years I’ve known you, or less, you’ve always been the one who hasn’t screamed, hasn’t yelled, hasn’t scolded me, hasn’t lost your temper, hasn’t give me that why-don’t-you-understand tone. The only one who hasn’t made me feel stupid once :D which, is quite hard to do! And always, when I’m down, and you go home with me, you never fail to make me laugh. With your ways, although stupid, they always make me so darn happy. And during tuition, I think without you, I’ll just fall asleep. And you’re the one who keeps me awake :D and sometimes I take out my anger on you, although no more now, but I used to, but you never once got pissed with me. and I start to wonder if you’re human or not. :D I think you’re like super patient with me (: thank you for your un-balancing train act, for your agreeing with me on everything conversation, and everything. I’ll remember :D just hope we don’t end up in the same class in jc, cause that’ll be havoc ><

Joan, woman :D I love you! for cycling with me so slowly that day :D if not I think I’ll be left behind :O I think we’re really alike, our love languages etc. and maybe that’s why we get along so well. I don’t have much friends in church, you know that (: maybe cause I’m reserved, maybe cause I’m shy, I don’t know. But you’re one of my bestest friends in church (: you know? And everytime I’m down, you always show me my prize. And my prize is having a friend like you, who’s there for me, all the while. It aine’t on the other side of the rain, it’s you. to have a friend like you, loving is all worth it. do you know that’s what you make me realise? (: I love you joan swallow :D

Sandy & Yenjin, my darling batchmates! Thank you two for, that time after heritage trail, I was hopping mad, and you guys asked me what’s wrong, and well, empathized. (: thank you! and thank you for the presents too! And yenjin, for the postcard! I’ve got a letter for yenjin (: thank you for being so wonderful batchmates, supportive and loving. I am so grateful I have people like you in my life. cause you make my life ever so warm :D

Jerron, although I know I’m not close to you or anything, and I haven’t exactly gotten to know you very well, or even well, but you’ve made me laugh a whole lot, and sometimes get pissed a whole lot. But thank you for the day to sentosa (: for waiting for me when I was so slow in cycling. It was fun (: for laughing at me when I fell off my bike, I don’t like you! but I guess it must have looked hilarious to see me in a pile of grass. Thank you for such a wonderful day, oh and sharing your coke with me :D

Jeremy han, you always crack me up. I mean, seriously. All you lame jokes and riddles and everything. Although mostly it’s so cold, your jokes and all, but they make me laugh. Not cause they’re actually funny, lols, but how you think it’s funny, and how I don’t think it’s funny. Am I making sense? Bah, I think you understand what I’m saying lah (: thank you for always entertaining me (:

Who else is there to thank?

I think I wasn’t exactly in the best of moods last night, and I esp need to thank these two people. Well, it’s the same two people.

Eugene and Cheryl (:

Eugene, thank you for calling. Although I hung up almost immediately. Your sms-es helped loads. And truth is, you didn’t say much, but I felt a lot. And the tone of your voice showed me you cared, showed me you were concerned why I was sounding like that. And I could feel it, although I guess you didn’t say much. But I could tell, I could feel it. thank you Eugene. I know it gets irritating, when I keep going to you, when I have no one to go to, but I want to tell you this, that you always make things better. Although there are times when you are the one who makes me sad, but you know, the joy you bring, is a thousand times more than the sadness. And I thank god, I found a friend like you, who understands me. who knows what I need, who understands what kind of person I am

Cheryl, thank you for talking to online all the way till I went off. I never ever stayed up that late on the com, and i thought i would be pretty alone. and thank you for reassuring me, telling me things that i needed to hear. i know it isn't your way to show love by words, but still, for me, you said those words i needed. and cheryl, thank you for making things seem better, thank you. for you don't know how much your words meant, thank you. cause you make things better.

and time will heal everything, i guess

& i cry foolishly alone, at night