this is a stupid day.
although you don't say it, i know all of you are sick of me. although you don't say it, i know all of you are sick of my being this way. althought you don't say it, i know your patience with me is running out. but you're my family, if it were friends, fine, i have nothing to say. but it's family. it's not like i want to be this way you know. it's not like i want to stay this way. i hate it too, i hate myself now. i want to stop all this crap. you said i'm hypocraitical? being so nice to my friends and being not nice to you guys? i'm not okay. it' s just different, the way i express my love for you guys and the way i express love for friends. i ask friends, how are you. cause i don't know what's going on. but i don't ask you guys, how are you, because i DO know what's going on. i don't tell you guys how much you matter to me, cause it's just not me to tell that to family. i show it by helping matthew cut his food, or telling ian not to eat oily stuff, or going with mum to eat lunch, or just simple things. i'm not a word person at home, i'm different, in school and at home. i'm different. i'm not being hypocraitical. i'm not. and in church, after you guys screamed so much in the car, i just started to tear. while writing on the board, teaching the kids i started to tear. and it was embarassing. but i couldn't help it. i wiped it away, laughed. and told the kids, never ever to learn from my example. i guess they didn't believe me when i said i was okay, cause they kept saying they loved me. but i don't know, sometimes that's why, i'm so afraid of kids. cause they just see right through me.
i hate crying. i really hate it. but today i felt the same helplessness as the day during lunch. where it's just uncontrollable. maybe i really am all the he said i was. perhaps. maybe this is just something i have to go through. i don't know, and i really really don't know. i don't know what to do anymore. just now, i just sat in my room, and i started to cry. and i kept saying, zen me ban. charis, zen me ban. i really don' t know what to do anymore. i don't know where to go and i don't know what i should do to help myself. i feel so alone, yet i want to be alone. i feel so stretched, that it's just at any point i'm going to break. why am i feeling this way? i don't even know myself. oh gawd, how. what's wrong with me. i don't want to be what he said i was, but what if i really am. i can see what will happen if i am, so many people will leave, again. so many people will leave me alone, afraid, or not knowing how to relate to me anymore. how. i don't know how to accept myself, what more understand myself.
i don't want to be like this. i know there are so many who are upset too. i don't want to go on and on about myself. i don't want to. but now truthfully, i'm too caught up trying to save myself, that i frankly have no time to save others. tell me how. i feel guilty, i feel ashamed, for being this way. and i just want to say sorry to those i've let down, and i want you to know, that this isn't what i wanted. i'm sorry for not being able to be there, i'm sorry for being so useless. i'm sorry for not being able to help. i'm just sorry.
i hate this. charis, please find yourself back, soon.